Chapter 67 TRYING

Chapter 67 TRYING
RACHEL
I didn't push him away. Even though another part of my brain was already giving me a very convincing list of reasons I shouldn't be kissing the same guy who had yelled at me not too long ago and thrown me out of his car like I was the one who had done something unforgivable, only to return with the girl who was supposedly his dad's secretary.
His tongue had slipped between my teeth, gently brushing against my upper lip, while the sensible part of my brain kept screaming at me to stop.
What the hell was this kiss supposed to mean? Not after he'd just seen Jay kiss me. Not after I'd just seen him walk in with Nina.
Before the other half of my brain could convince me that it was okay to forget everything and sink into the moment for another ten seconds, my hands slid between our chests.
I pushed him away. The kiss broke, leaving us both dazed.
I wiped my mouth and tightened the towel around my chest. "Uh..." I blinked nervously, dragging my tongue along the inside of my cheek. "That was weird."
My eyes flicked back to him. "What was that kiss supposed to mean?" I tilted my head slightly.
He shrugged. "I just missed you."
I stared at him for a second. Then, somewhere between my anger and the disbelief that this was actually the response he had chosen, an incredulous laugh escaped me. But, honestly, it was actually funny, because what he'd just said was so ridiculous that I genuinely had no idea what else to do.
"What's funny?" he asked innocently.
I dragged my eyes back to him, fighting the urge to throw him out of my room.
I'd thought it would be easy to ignore him when I saw him again. To make him understand that I wasn't forgiving him this time. But standing in front of him now made that a lot harder than I'd expected.
"You seriously don't think any of this is funny, right?" My hand flew up in an angry gesture. "What? You think you can just walk in here and kiss me, and that's supposed to make me forget that you yelled at me and told me to get out of your car?" I shook my head. "Really? So much for pretending I'm your girlfriend."
"Don't do that, Rachel." He cut me off. "I'm not pretending. You're my girlfriend."
"Well, that's not how you're supposed to treat your girlfriend, Thane." My chest tightened. "And I'm sure you already know that, considering you're the adult." I made exaggerated air quotes. "While I'm just the girl who's supposed to cluelessly listen to you every time, right?"
I shook my head, my anger rising with every word. "I'm supposed to open my arms and welcome you right now because I'm an idiot who will always take your shit, am I right?" By the time I finished, my chest was hammering so hard I thought I’d cry.
After staying quiet for a long second, he finally opened his mouth. "I'm sorry."
A sudden twist tightened my chest as I swallowed. "That's the problem. I don't think that's enough to fix anything..." My shoulders dropped tiredly. "I don't know if I want to let myself be hurt by you again."
He bit down on his lip and turned his face to the side, as if he was trying to hide whatever emotions were showing on his face. Which was kind of ridiculous, considering I was the one most affected by everything happening right now.
When he looked back at me, his eyes seemed even more tired than they had when he first walked in.
"I hurt you," he admitted. Then he swallowed. "And I..." His jaw tightened. "I fucking regret it. I regret not being able to control my temper. It's all my fault, and I'm working on it."
I stared at him quietly. But the second my heart tried to soften, I hardened it again.
"To be honest, I'm really exhausted right now."
I looked away for a second.
"I've got a lot of really messed-up things to deal with, and the last thing I seriously want is to fight with my girlfriend right now.”
"Wait." I scoffed. "Are you being serious right now? What's that supposed to mean? Because last time I checked, this whole fight started because of you." I jabbed a finger at him, annoyance rising in my chest. "I was fine with accepting the Thane Adams who would rather shut everyone out and..." I swallowed. "...and deal with things by himself while somehow expecting people to just— I don't know—act like robots without minds. It doesn't work that way."
I stepped closer. "I'm angry at you right now because you still don't even know what the problem is. I want you to—"
"I'm sorry." He said it quietly, cutting me off before I could finish.
My face tightened. "What?"
He held my gaze. "You see..." He shook his head slowly. "I understand I've done a lot of stupid things. And trust me, I know I really can't keep being that person, Rachel but I swear, I'm trying. It's fucking hard when I've practically lived half my life dealing with all my shit—" He stopped himself, dragging a hand down his face as he shifted from where he'd been standing.
"You know, I just think you're too fucking good for me, and I keep screwing it up. But I don't want you to..." He rubbed a hand through his hair again. "I mean, I already hate myself for pushing you away like that, but I fucking hate it even more that I'm trying not to be mad about what I saw that asshole do tonight."
My lips parted, but I struggled to put the words forming in my head together. My face probably didn’t help hide it either.
"No." He started shaking his head. "Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about." He tilted his face upward in frustration before bringing it down almost immediately.
"I saw him..." His jaw tightened. "I saw how he tried to kiss your damn forehead."
He didn't yell, but I caught the hurt in his voice as his body tensed. This conversation wasn't supposed to go this way. But maybe I needed to admit that, deep down, whatever Thane had for Jay went beyond simple hatred. It felt more like the kind of anger that came from someone who had been forced to live with betrayal.
I tried to move my lips, but they felt sealed shut.
"You have no idea how mad I was," he continued. "But I had to keep myself calm because, you know, I didn't want to make any of this about me."
He gave a short, humorless laugh. "But I'm not going to stand here and try to make things right with you while someone out there is trying to find a way to take what's mine away from me—"
"What?" My voice dropped to a whisper.
"Yes, you heard me." He held my gaze again. "I'm a fucking mess, but hell…”