Can't say anything

Can't say anything
I knew I'd have to teach Ali’s class sooner or later, and for that I had no escape. I'd have to walk in as if nothing had ever happened, as if my heart wasn't hanging by a thread.

When that day came I didn't take any chances. I took my anxiety medication before hand just so I could look composed. I entered the amphitheater a few minutes late to make sure I could start giving out the test as soon as I got there.

I filled my lungs with air as I walked inside the loud room. Word had traveled fast about my test spree, so students weren't too shocked when I announced they should get off their desks everything except a pen.

I only looked up at the audience in front of me after doing everything I possible could at my desk. With nothing more to prepare and with the tests piled neatly, I had to look up and proceed to hand them out. I gulped, imagining Blair’s eyes burning into me, analyzing my every move and facial expression.

I pulled the bandaid and looked. To my surprise, all my students were looking at me quietly. No one was talking to their neighbor, no one was looking through their notes. The atmosphere was thick with tension, and I knew in that moment no matter how much I tried to fake it, I couldn't fool anyone. My students knew I wasn't doing alright.

I was scared to let my eyes search the room in fear that they'd find Blair, but they did. I looked everywhere, but he wasn't there. David and Maddox were sat together, but Blair was nowhere to be seen.

My heart broke at the realization that he wasn't kidding when he said I should forget him. Maybe it was better this way.

As the end of the three hours approached, students started handing in their essays. They walked over to my desk and gave me a polite half smile as I took their paper. One by one, the class emptied. I gave the remaining few a warning to hurry up, to which they obeyed without complaint. They made their way to my desk, standing in a queue as I collected their papers. One of the last students standing in the queue was Maddox, and I could tell from the hesitation with which he gave me his paper that there was something he wanted to tell me.

"Professor," he said, confirming my suspicions. "Could I talk to you for a second?"

My blood froze. Blair wouldn't say anything no matter what happened between us, right?

Right?

I nodded, trying to hide the sudden wave of anxiety that rushed through me. Maddox stood awkwardly close by as I collected the remaining papers. Once everyone had left, I knew I had no escape.

"What do you want to tell me Maddison?" I asked, trying as hard as I could to maintain eye contact.

He looked at the ground as he fidgeted with his hands. "I'm probably stepping out of line, this is none of my business, I know that, but I was just wondering Professor Reynolds... We've noticed you've been a bit off lately. Is everything okay? Is there anything we can help you with?"

I was so taken aback by his question that I looked away, too. I didn't want him to see the pain behind my eyes or my parting lips as I took a breath in. Was it that obvious?

"I was sick at the start of the week and I haven't fully recovered, but I'll be fine in no time. Thanks for asking." I replied, giving the most diplomatic answer possible.

He was quiet, solemnly taking a step back and shaking his head. As I looked at him, I realized he also had a little sadness hidden behind his eyes.

"Anything else?" I asked. As soon as I said that I regretted it. Maybe my sadness made me care.

"Well, since you're asking... Blair went back home on Sunday because of a family emergency and he hasn't answered anyone's texts. We're all worried about him but can't reach him. Has he reached out to you, Professor? Did he send you an e-mail or something saying he'd miss lessons? We're all worried about him."

My heartbeat skyrocketed and my hands started shaking. My mouth turned completely dry and my stomach twisted painfully. I had hurt him so much that he ran back home, putting thousands of miles between us so he could go to his safe space, so he could forget, so he could heal from me and what I'd done.

"No, he didn't say anything."

I quickly picked up my things and left, not giving a damn how my strange behavior looked to my student. I had to get out of there as soon as possible or I'd risk completely falling apart in front of everyone.

I walked with my head low to my car. As soon as I closed the door, tears instantly fell from my eyes. I blinked them away. I slammed the steering wheel as my car came to life, the sound of the motor muffling my heartbroken grunts.

As soon as I got home I opened a bottle of wine. It didn't matter that I was yet again skipping lessons and missing meetings, it didn't matter that I had around three hundred essays to correct, it didn't matter that it was only midday and I was already drinking. Nothing mattered.

Hours went by in a blur. In between crying and drinking, all I did was think of Blair. I was worried sick about him, but there was nothing I could do. He wanted me to forget him, but I couldn't do it. Unable to control my urges, I read all our text messages from start to finish. I was in utter misery. I read the texts where he'd send me hearts and kisses, where he'd flirt with me, where he'd ask me about my day. As I read more and more, I realized I was holding in my hands the evidence of our relationship, the proof that it wasn't all a dream. The feelings we had for each other were so true, and I had to fucking ruin it all.

I smashed the bottle of wine on the floor, the dark green glass scattering across the floor. I screamed and yelled at myself, curling up in a corner as my phone rang incessantly.

"Please stop!" I begged as my phone kept ringing. I was sure someone from Durham was calling, but I just couldn't handle it.