Chapter 51 Chapter Twenty-Five Part One - Orenda
Leaning over the bathroom sink, I take slow, calming breaths as I cautiously wait for my stomach to decide if it’s done rejecting every item of food it has consumed today. Of course, it’s not as though it needs the presence of food to make me suffer. Yesterday after it had successfully emptied itself, it still wasn’t done. I spent hours just vomiting bile. I had to force-feed myself just so I’d have something to throw up and not have to endure my stomach acids burning my insides.
I’m no stranger to regurgitation. I’ve had a lifetime of experiencing the downfalls that come with eating too much of something that didn’t agree with me, drinking far more than I should have or consuming food that resulted in food poisoning. That one mostly occurred back in the ages when people hadn’t mastered food preparation, however, I was at least able to cure that by shifting into my bird form and allowing my rapid healing to do what it does best. But this? This is an entirely different beast. I would rather be burned by apatite every day for the rest of my life than go through another day of this.
Finally feeling like I’ve been given a reprieve, I take a steady breath, rinse out my mouth, and then rinse out the basin. I look at myself in the mirror and scarcely recognise the woman staring back. My skin’s once rich copper tone is now a sickly shade of taupe, and my long and treasured brown hair is a frizzy mess with a texture that could rival straw. I have been putting great pride and care into my hair long before beauty routines ever existed, so to see it in this state, watching it fall out bit by bit each day is devastating for me. I’m not sure if the fallout is due to the pregnancy, the apatite or my stress levels – maybe all three – but it adds another layer to this ongoing demoralising experience.
With a resigned sigh, I slowly walk back into the bedroom as the chain that keeps me bound to this hell hole clatters against the wooden floors, intermittently muffled as it drags across the sparse carpeting. I sit on the edge of the bed and stare down at my growing belly, placing my hands around it as my heart swells with love and despair. By a human’s standard, I look like I’m four to five months pregnant but based on my timeline, I’m probably two or two and a half months along. That means I’ve spent half of my pregnancy chained up as Invidia’s glorified blood bank and even welcomed the new year from inside a well-furnished prison.
I know it’s been a month because Invidia has no issue telling me the date when I ask. It’s now late January, making this the longest I have ever gone without seeing my brother. Not being able to talk to Aya or be comforted by him fills me with such an oppressive sense of loneliness that it might kill me before the apatite does.
I gently rub my belly in a self-soothing motion as my eyelids begin blinking and droop from exhaustion. I can feel the apatite and pregnancy literally draining the life out of me but as weak as I know I am, I also feel stronger at the same time. It’s a very confusing and conflicting state to be in. My body is undoubtedly weakening by the day if not the second, but my mind and my essram feel stronger in a way I’m not sure they have before. It’s like whatever magic is growing inside my baby is emitting an energy through me that is feeding and healing my essram which in turn is strengthening my mind.
I look down softly at my belly, picturing the life growing within. “You know, after your father and I rejected each other I was certain that if I did manage to survive, I would never be myself again. I thought I would live out my eternity as a hollowed-out husk of the woman I used to be. Even all these weeks later I still feel that pain. It’s like a deep scar has been placed around my heart while my essram feels like a throbbing wound where the nerves are desperately trying to repair themselves but never seem to be able to,” I explain sorrowfully.
I don’t believe the baby can understand me. Or maybe as a growing God they can, I don’t know, but talking to them brings me comfort. It eases the loneliness and makes me feel closer to them, which I know doesn’t make sense. They’re growing inside me, so they can’t possibly get closer than that, but it’s just how I feel. There is also the possibility that I'm going insane.
“While my essram still feels shattered into pieces, I feel like you have been able to put some of those pieces back together. Just knowing you exist brings me comfort and gives me some of the hope I had lost,” I utter with a warm smile before letting out a deep sigh. “Don’t get mad at me, but I don’t regret rejecting your father. I sure as hell regret the timing.”
I can’t help but shake my head, reflecting on the series of events that brought me here. I can’t tell if this is all some elaborate test or a horrific punishment for an offence I am painfully unaware of. I try not to think about what-ifs, but they pop into my head more often than I would like. While I can’t speak with one hundred per cent certainty, I am pretty damn sure that I wouldn’t be in this hell if Azadou had just embraced me from the beginning. Invidia wouldn’t have targeted Aya because he is her animai and if Azadou and I had been bonded, then I would have been too strong for Invidia to try anything with. She never would have been able to put her plan into action. I don’t want to be a resentful person, but I can’t stop the resentment that grows towards Azadou each day over the fact that his Gods’ damn stubbornness is one of the main reasons I’m here.
Then there’s the overwhelming irony in my circumstances. We rejected each other to free us of our bond and yet here I am, pregnant with his child. We are bound forever by the life we have made. I can’t deny that deep down, there’s still a part of me that yearns for him; that aches for what could have been. It doesn’t make any sense that I still have such a strong need for the person who has brought me so much pain…
As if jinxed by my own words, a faint memory plays out in my mind of Azadou and me, sitting together in his home, just talking like two people who weren’t weighted down by the chaos around them. It was such a nice albeit fleeting moment and I realise it’s that moment that makes it hard to let go. I had a brief taste of hope and saw his potential to open up and because of it, despite everything I have gone through, I’m still clinging to it like a fool.
I sigh in frustration at the direction my thoughts have taken as I rub circles against my belly. “For your sake, I really hope you haven’t developed the ability to read minds yet because burdening you with the storm of emotions in my head is the last thing I want, Sihasin,” I admit ashamedly. “I know I haven’t done right by you so far. I haven’t been able to protect you from all of this, but I swear, I won’t give up. I won’t let you come into this world only to be harmed. I don’t care what it takes, I will protect you, no matter what,” I vow, meaning every word with every fibre of my being.