Chapter 36 Chapter Seventeen Part One - Orenda
“Are you okay? You’ve barely even touched your ramen,” Ayawamat points out with a concerned lilt to his voice.
I shrug, absentmindedly pushing the ingredients around with my chopsticks. “I guess I’m not that hungry.”
Ayawamat slides the bowl away from me and takes my hands in his, turning me gently on my stool to face him. I manage to look at him, but the worry and compassion etched deep into his face has my heart clenching painfully in my chest and tears burning behind my eyes.
“Did Azadou say or do something? I’m not judging, I swear. I just know that he was here and now…Orenda, I’ve never seen you like this and it’s honestly scaring the fuck out of me,” he explains, his voice cracking from his concern.
That did it.
I squeeze his hands tight as the tears break through and fall from my eyes. I throw my arms around his broad shoulders and bury my face in his neck as sobs wrack my body and I struggle to breathe air into my lungs. I thought all the crying I did in the shower was enough, but I was wrong. So, so very wrong. I feel Ayawamat’s arms wrap around me and hold me tight to his chest like a strong blanket of protection and love. I sink into it, letting out all the sadness, the heartache, the shame and disgust that is weighing on me.
He tightens his hold on me, his hand softly caressing my hair, “I’ve got you, it’s okay,” he gently coos.
“He’ll ne…ver love me…Aya,” I gasp between sobs.
“Why do you say that?” he asks sadly.
“The…way…he…treats…me…” I try to force out the words but my lungs spasm and ache to the point it’s like they have forgotten how to breathe altogether. I begin to choke on my sobs, own sorrow literally suffocating me.
Ayawamat grabs my face in his hands, his multi-coloured eyes staring into mine with worried wrinkles around the edges, yet nothing but love and warmth radiating from within.
“Breathe with me. Take in one deep breath,” he instructs, taking a deep breath into his lungs.
The tears stream from my eyes as I try to take in a deep breath, only to cough and splutter mid-way, my sobs turning my breathing ragged.
“You’re okay, just keep focusing on taking that deep breath. You can do it,” he reassures me, brushing his thumbs in gentle motions against my cheekbones.
I cling to his shirt, staring into his eyes as I try to focus on my breathing and stalling my tears. It takes a few minutes, a lot of light-headedness and a strong amount of panic, but finally, I get the tears to stop, and I can breathe in and out much easier, though my chest and lungs now feel like I’ve just sprinted my way through a marathon.
“Feel better?” he asks with a kind smile.
I nod, wiping the tears from my face, taking in another deep breath and releasing it with a shuddering exhale.
Aya lifts his tank top and holds the edges up for me, “Blow your nose,” he instructs.
With an emotional chuckle, I lift the edge of his tank top to my face, blow my nose onto the fabric and clean myself up.
“Thank you for that,” I say with an appreciative smile.
“It’s just material,” he shrugs, unbothered. He reaches up and tucks my hair behind my ear, “Do you want to talk about it, or do you need another minute?”
I hold his free hand between mine, focusing on the creases and tiny hairs in his skin. “And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.”
“Why are you quoting Nietzsche?” he asks curiously.
“Because he was right,” I answer, looking up at him in defeat.
Ayawamat frowns, “Orenda, you’re not evil or corrupt. You have not become the monsters you hunt. How can you even think that?”
“Maybe I’m not evil, but I don’t feel like myself,” I explain, feeling those tears brimming in my eyes again, my eyeballs now burning like I’ve rubbed them with sandpaper.
“What do you mean?”
“When I’m with Azadou…I become someone I don’t recognise. At first, it felt exciting to give into desire and what I thought was passion but now…I just feel consumed by disgust and shame. The way he uses me tells me he doesn’t love me. I’m just property for him to conquer, and instead of standing up for myself or holding onto my dignity, I just let him do it.” I look deep into his eyes as tears slowly roll down my cheeks. “Why do I do that?”
Ayawamat sighs sympathetically, holding his large hand to my cheek and brushing my tears away with his thumb. “You wanted to share something special and intimate with your animai; there is nothing wrong with that. You let yourself be open and vulnerable, hoping that he would do the same in return. The fact that you were so willing to give so much of yourself for him is not something you should be ashamed of. If anyone should be ashamed, it’s him. He took advantage of your hope and your willingness and gave you nothing in return.” He lets out a deep sigh. “Azadou is like…an abused pet. He bites and claws at anyone who comes close because it’s all he knows. I want to believe that there is part of him that cares for you or at least yearns to be close to you, he just doesn’t know how.”
“Since when do you defend him?” I ask with deep surprise.
“Oh, I am not defending him,” he fervently corrects. “I will go full raitruum on his ass if I ever see him and strike him down with the full weight of the sky for making you cry to the point of almost passing out. I don’t give a fuck if he’s a God or your animai, no one treats my sister like this and gets away with it,” he says forcefully, his jaw tensing with anger as he clasps my hands firmly.
I smile softly, comforted by the protective authority radiating off my brother. Ayawamat has been by my side my whole life and there is no one I trust more on this Earth than him. If there is anyone I know to always have my back, it’s him. Even though I know his feelings towards Azadou, I knew I could open up to him because how much he cares about me will always trump how much he dislikes someone else.
“Thanks for always having my back,” I murmur gratefully.
He smiles warmly and kisses the back of my hands. “Always will, sis. It’s a raitruum guarantee, and those are for eternity,” he says with a playful wink.
I chuckle and take another deep breath into my tired lungs. “I wish I knew what to do, Aya,” I sigh.
“Are you thinking of rejecting him?” he carefully asks.
I give him a disheartened shrug. “No, but I don’t know where to go from here. I now know he wants to hurt me…I just can’t understand why.”
“Maybe it’s self-sabotage,” he suggests. I look at him curiously, urging him to elaborate. “You see it with all kinds of people. They’re so used to bad things happening to them that good things terrify them, so when good things start to happen in their lives they sabotage it because while the bad things are bad, they’re now familiar and comforting in a fucked up way. Maybe that’s the case for Azadou. I mean, it’s no excuse to treat people like shit, but it might explain a few things.”
“If you’re right, then how do you counter that? How do you get someone to embrace or try to embrace happiness when they don’t want to?” I question as that wave of despair in the pit of my stomach makes a comeback.
“I don’t know,” he answers sombrely. “But I think there comes a point where you can’t be the one to help him or save him. Sometimes you have to let people save themselves or they’re never going to learn. I think maybe you need to let him fall. You keep thinking you can save him but right now he needs to save himself because if you keep doing what you’re doing…he might just end up dragging you down with him,” he gently warns me.