Chapter 24 Chapter Eleven Part One - Orenda
Without another word Azadou disappears, leaving me lying here naked and spent. Every nerve in my body is jolting with electricity and everywhere he touched me is burning in intoxication, but as the high begins to wane and the lustful fog begins to lift, shame starts to creep in.
I force myself to sit up, my limbs feeling like jelly. I gingerly caress my wrists, feeling a sting as I look down at the marks the ties left around them. The more I stare at them the more ashamed I become. Why do I let him do whatever he wants to me? I know there is a powerful bond between us, but Zarseti’s magic doesn’t rob people of their free will. It only allows two people to feel and be aware that their souls – or essrams in our case – are two perfect pieces of an intricate, cosmic puzzle. Her magic doesn’t turn people into sex addicts with no conscience or morality, so what the fuck is wrong with me?
Three times now, I have let him do what he wanted to me with barely any protest. We’ve never had a real conversation. He knows nothing about me as a person and I think I know as much about Azadou as he knows about himself. Yes, he has existed for a fraction longer than myself, but he’s never truly lived until now. Has he had time to develop a favourite food? Colour? Music? Our essrams may recognise each other but we don’t really know each other. We’ve never even kissed! We skipped over any normal levels of affection and intimacy and went straight to sex. Not even sex, that was straight-up fucking, and I’d be brainless to believe it was anything else.
When I feel his hands on me it’s like I become a slave to his touch. Rationality evaporates like water on a scorching day and all I’m left with is an insatiable urge to feel more of him. I do want him; at times I crave him more than my lungs crave air. But more than that, I want to be with him. I want him to see me and love me, not just use me. I need to make him understand that. I need to somehow chip away at that wall he has built up around himself and make him see that there is more to us than physical attraction. But how can I do that when the moment he touches me or speaks to me, the only thing I can think about is obeying his every command?
Forcing myself out of bed, I grab my robe off the floor, put it on and go to the bathroom. I lock the door, hang up my robe and step into the shower. I walk over to the faucets and turn them on full, letting the water beat down on me, the sting of the scalding water unable to compare to Azadou’s touch. I take my time scrubbing myself clean, almost trying to scrub away what just happened. The conflict of emotions swirling inside me are enough to give me whiplash. What we just did was the most exhilarating, mind-blowingly sybaritic thing I have ever experienced in my life, yet I can’t shake the shame and desolate feeling coming over me. It doesn’t help that the moment he gets me off he just disappears, leaving me feeling like some tawdry slut. I doubt he even knows what that means.
On top of that, part of me feels angry; unnaturally, indescribably angry to the point I want to hurt someone or something. The feeling is so raw it stops me short, shocking me to my core. I’ve never wanted to hurt anyone or anything ever. I don’t even like killing eyti for crying out loud!
Suddenly it dawns on me.
The anger isn’t mine…it’s Azadou’s! I remember now! That sensation I felt earlier like something was falling into place. I was so distracted I didn’t give it much thought but now I understand. Half of my and Azadou’s bond just clicked into place. I can feel what he’s feeling now, or at least part of it. The more I focus the more I realise it’s like a distant memory in the back of your mind, the kind you’re trying to pull forward but just can’t. Even though his emotions are lingering on the fringes of my mind, they’re so intense I was convinced they were my own.
I frown, turning off the water and wringing out my hair. Why is he so angry? Is he angry that we had sex? Can he feel my emotions and is angry that I’m ashamed? Angry that our bond is now stronger? Without context or being able to talk to him I don’t know what his emotions mean. They could mean anything! Taking a deep breath, I step out of the shower and dry myself off. I wrap my hair up and put my robe on. I step out of the bathroom and freeze when I see Ayawamat leaning against the wall in the hallway in pyjama pants, his arms crossed over his chest and a sly smirk on his face.
“What?” I ask him.
“I had no idea you were a screamer,” he teases, making the colour drain from my face.
Oh my God, he heard me! My brother heard me! I think I’m going to throw up.
“Do not even start,” I warn him, avoiding eye contact as I walk back to my room.
Aya chuckles exuberantly. “I’m genuinely surprised,” he continues, following behind me. “Not just that you’re a screamer – which definitely surprised me – but that Azadou was so skilled on his first time. I mean, I know he’s a God, but still.”
I freeze in my tracks and whip around to face him, “What did you just say?”
“Think about it. First time he was roaming the Earth was for what, like a few days? Maybe a couple weeks? He wasn’t exactly going around getting laid and then there’s the fact you’re the only person he can touch without turning them into a living shadow, so, stands to reason that that would mean he has been a virgin all this time,” he remarks nonchalantly.
My eyes widen. “But that would mean…”
“You just popped the God of Malice’s cherry,” he grins maniacally.
His words hit me like a bolt of lightning. How the fuck did I never realise this?! I was so caught up in what he made me feel and the fact what he does, he does so expertly that it never once occurred to me all of these were his first sexual experiences…
“Are you okay? You look like you’re about to fall down,” Aya utters in concern, reaching his arms out, ready to catch me if I drop.
“I…um…I’m okay. I’m just going to need a minute,” I whisper in a daze.
I walk back to my room, shutting the door and leaning back against it, my mind reeling yet providing me with a bit more clarity. Maybe this is why he’s so focused on the physical aspect of our bond. In a way, Azadou is like a God going through puberty. All of these emotions and sensations are new to him, he might not even understand them. He just feels them and acts on them because he has no idea how to find a balance. Gods feel things a thousand times more intensely than any mortal being, of course, his emotions would get the better of him, they’re all new and hitting him at once. Now that I know this, I just need to think of a way to calm him…but how the hell do I calm down an intensely horny God? Maybe I should ask Ezillus for help.