A Queen Among Blood: Chapter Sixty-Four

A Queen Among Blood: Chapter Sixty-Four
OSHMIN POV
I lay back with my arms under my head already missing Yildiz being wrapped in my arms. As I stare through the glass walls of her room at the stunning view outside, I can’t help but become frustrated. I’m a cosmic being with the power to give Yildiz all the answers she seeks, but because of my own idea to prevent us Gods from meddling, I’m stuck laying here unable to do a single thing to help her. I feel like I shot myself in the foot before ever even realising it.

“You made the right call, Oshmin,” I suddenly hear Zarseti’s voice. I look over to see the fuchsia-haired Goddess standing off to the side in a rather stunning purple kaftan with gold beading across the bust and shoulders and lined down the arms and framing the sleeves.

“What is with you and the kaftan collection?” I enquire.

She walks over and leans against the window, ignoring my question. “Even my daughters need to learn life is not about cutting corners or taking the easy way. We all have our own destinies, even us Gods,” she says pointedly.

“Invading our room and my mind, you’re on a roll today,” I say dryly.

“Your thoughts were rather loud,” she says in amusement.

“I wasn’t projecting them, you were peering in,” I correct her.

She shrugs, “I was curious about your mental state. Last I saw you, you’d spectacularly nuked your love life, though it seems to be quite improved,” she says brightly.

“Last I saw you; you were lecturing me about all the ways I fucked up.”

“And rightfully so. I take it you told her everything now?” I nod. “Good, because if I had lost another daughter and it be because of you and Jartre I’d have killed you both myself,” she says threateningly.

I sigh and sit up, “I never meant to hurt her.”

“My daughter was minutes away from death. You knew the bond you shared was different. You knew that whatever Jartre did to you would kill her and still you took him on in a fight. What possessed you to be so stupid?” she spits indignantly. She’s not going to like this answer but lying has gotten me into enough trouble lately.

“I forgot,” I admit, wincing as I prepare for her wrath.

“YOU FORGOT?!” she screams.

“I know how bad it sounds and I have owned up to all of it with Yildiz. When I saw Jartre, I could only focus on my anger. I just wanted to make him suffer, and in that moment I completely forgot that we’re partially bonded. It wasn’t until I saw Yildiz and saw the agony she was in and the blood dripping from her mouth that I realised that our fight was killing her,” I confess as tears fill my eyes, “I hated myself. I hated that I let my anger get the best of me, that I didn’t think about what it was doing to her.”

“She held on for you. She was suffering and in agonising pain but she tolerated it because she feared for your safety. You’re a God, you can tolerate pain in ways she can’t. Just an echo of your pain was deadly. If Morrtemis and I hadn’t intervened she would have died,” Zarseti says with tears in her eyes, “I felt it. Thanks to Jartre’s stupid shield if I hadn’t felt Yildiz’s pain I wouldn’t have known what was happening and she’d be dead right now.”

My head snaps up to hers, my entire body quaking at the thought of Yildiz dying, but as I look at Zarseti I see the pain and sorrow in her eyes. “You felt Nuray die… didn’t you?”

She closes her eyes and nods. “I felt the moment her body started to weaken, and I felt the moment her life ended. I’ll never forget it. So when I felt Yildiz’s pain I thought ‘not again’. But this time my child was being hurt by a God. This time I could intervene all I wanted. I just wish I could have done the same for Nuray,” she says, choking back a sob and masking it by clearing her throat.

“I should have listened to you that day I came to you,” I sigh in regret.

“Everything that happened was a case of self-fulfilling prophecy. First, you wanted the bond destroyed because you felt you weren’t deserving. Then you realised that would kill her, so you changed your mind. You wanted to avoid ever bringing pain into her life, so you emotionally rejected her not once, not twice, but three times, which in doing so brought pain into her life and still she gave you a chance. She listened to your past and gave you patience and understanding because she saw you were suffering. All she simply asked in return was that you not lie or deceive her. That was her only stipulation. So you lied and deceived her anyway.” She sighs and absentmindedly plays with items on Yildiz’s dresser. “Had you made different choices things would have gone differently. If you had told her who and what you were and who cursed you when you decided to open up about your curse, Yildiz would have handled that entirely differently. She knows how to handle herself with Gods. She probably would have confronted him,” she says with a proud smile.

“Are you saying that as fact or are you guessing?”

“It was a possible future I saw. But instead, you withheld information, and so Yildiz chose to give you emotional support instead or prioritising seeking justice. Then there was the matter of the bond,” she says, staring daggers at me.

I groan and rub my face, “Again, I already owned up to my shit with Yildiz. I confessed that I didn’t want to complete our bond because ultimately I didn’t want her to know what I was. It was fucked up, I know that.”

“True, but you’re missing the bigger picture.”

“What bigger picture?”

“You’re a God,” she says rolling her eyes, “A bond with you would have meant she’d share in your gifts. Yes, it would mean all your pain would be physically shared, but it wouldn’t kill her. She’d have your tolerance and a long list of ways to protect herself. You convinced yourself you were scared of completing the bond because it would kill her when really you just wanted to keep living in denial. But the fact of the matter is completing the bond would have been the most efficient way to protect and save her life,” she says bluntly.

I feel as though the rug has been pulled out from under me and I’m falling through a bottomless pit. She’s fucking right. Yildiz would have shared in my powers. She could have knocked Jartre into the next century if she wanted to. Everything I did that I convinced myself was me keeping her safe, was in fact me putting her in more and more danger and why? Because I was stubborn. The more time I’ve had to process this, the more I see what the other Gods have been trying to tell me for the last thirty-thousand years. Jartre held onto his anger, and it nearly destroyed everything around him, but I held onto my pity, and it had the same results.

Fretez, Morrtemis, Zarseti, even Ezillus. They all tried to pull me out of this depression and I wouldn’t let them. It got to a point where I began choosing suffering over happiness. Just look at Mattias. For nine-hundred years he saw me as his friend and not once did I return those feelings. I kept everyone and everything at arm’s length because I believed I was a danger to them, but in doing so I was hurting people who cared about me. Then I met Yildiz, and I only got worse. She accepted the monster and showed no fear. She saw me at my worst and still tried to save me from myself, but even then I still didn’t know how to get out of this hole I dug myself into. I saw I was hurting her, hell I could even feel a bit of it at times, and still, I weighed up her hurt and my denial and I chose denial every time. For thirty-thousand years I chose to pretend to be someone else and run from my problems. Mei being the first time in thousands of years I played the role of Oshmin, and I did it because I worried about her well-being. Yet as Yildiz pointed out, I couldn’t do the same for her. A few years of this behaviour might be understandable, but thirty-thousand years?! At that point the only one hurting me was me.

If Jartre hadn’t told Yildiz the truth I would have kept up the charade, but she would have found out eventually. The truth will always out. She would have confronted me and if she was smart she’d have rejected me, and I would have let her. Instead of fighting for her, I’d have let her walk away because I’m a self-wallowing bastard who will choose pain over happiness any chance I get. But my entire thought process changed when I realised my stubborn and selfish behaviour of only thinking about what I wanted, nearly got the woman I love killed. I couldn’t live with that. Yildiz didn’t deserve that, and I had the power to stop it, I just had to be willing to pull my head out of my ass. Seeing Yildiz reach her final straw was the final wake-up call for me to get my act together and finally move on from all this wallowing and guilt.

Now I’m someone who wants to be happy. I want to make Yildiz happy. I want to live my life to the fullest and I want to do it with her by my side. No more running or playing make-believe. I’ve been given a gift and I won’t squander it. I want to be more like Yildiz. I see the way she carries the pain of her sister’s death only two short weeks ago and she embraces the pain and pushes forward. I’ve never lost anyone I’ve loved. I’ve never known the level of pain that comes with losing someone who had a deep place in my heart. Yildiz lost that and still was there to get me through my dark point. I got cursed and in return, I abandoned every single responsibility I had. I abandoned the nagata altogether and let them descend into their own hell. I was never there for them, never guided them. I just cast them all aside, and I can’t even think of a good reason as to why.

Jartre’s actions make sense. The love he had for Apaki had the power to move worlds. I, however, never loved Apaki and I wasn’t heartbroken over her death. I was disgusted and found my actions revolting because I’m someone who values life and doesn’t believe she deserved such a brutal death. But do I miss her? No. I barely ever even think about her. The more I think about it I remember what a nasty bitch she used to be. She loved fucking with humans and seeing what would happen. She was the Goddess of Mischief after all, and she played the part well. If she wasn’t the Goddess of Desire as well I’m sure my dick and I would have kept our distance.

“Are you done with your inner thoughts, or would you like a little more time?” Yildiz asks in a bored tone.

I roll my eyes, “Anyone ever tell you how annoying that is?”

“Truth be told, I didn’t come here to bust your cosmic balls. I know you and Yildiz have hashed it out and you have been brutally honest. Things are looking up for the two of you and for that I am thrilled. What happened is in the past. Actually, all of that isn’t why I’m here now,” she admits, her tone becoming serious.

I sit forward and give her my undivided attention, “I know that look. That’s the look of you’re about to drop a cryptic bomb on me.”

“Am I that transparent?” she says with a wry smile.

“No, I’ve just known you a long time. What’s going on?” I ask, cutting to the chase.

“When I told you I gave you an animai because I wanted you to be happy, that wasn’t a lie.”

“Never thought it was…” I say tentatively.

“That being said, I had additional reasons for wanting you to be happy.” Her face is an emotionless mask, but her liquid silver eyes are filled with knowledge. Knowledge that goes beyond that which the rest of the Gods can and will ever know.

“Okay, I’ll bite. What’s this additional reason? Why would a God be so desperate for me to be happy that she’d go to the extreme lengths of creating an entire person for me?” I ask as I rise to my feet and fold my arms over my chest.

“Because we need Oshmin back. You were running from what you are. Going to any and all lengths to deny who you are, but who you are is exactly who we all need. A war is coming, and every life on this earth hangs in the balance,” she says gravely.

Her words hit me like a comet, and I have to take a second to process them. “What kind of war?”

“The kind where everything could be lost if I’m not successful. I’ve spent eons carefully moving every piece into place, and if even one of them goes wrong, the results will be cataclysmic,” she warns.

“Whether I’m Osiah or Oshmin, that wouldn’t stop me from joining in the fight if it was needed, especially when the very world hangs in the balance,” I argue.

“It’s not the fighting I need you for. It’s the abilities that only you possess that will be the difference between victory and destruction. When the time comes, I’ll need those abilities. I need Oshmin back at full power. So I am asking you now when the time comes and I call on you, will you answer the call?” she says, slowly walking over and looking me right in the eyes.

I’ve been alive long enough to know that if Zarseti has known about this for eons and has been slowly working to save the future without telling a soul, it’s because the future is more fragile than it’s ever been. Zarseti isn’t the kind to ask favours frivolously, and I can see in her eyes how desperately she needs this; how badly my answer can tip the scales. I don’t know what the future has in store, but I know that I trust her and her judgement. Zarseti is a benevolent God who has only ever done what she could to save lives and help people find peace and love in their life – me included, even when it doesn’t seem that way at first. If my gifts can help save this world; a world I love deeply; a world that the love of my life calls home, then I don’t have to think this over. Whatever she needs of me, I’ll do it.

“Call on me and I will answer,” I tell her, placing a calming hand on her shoulder.

She sighs with great relief and squeezes my shoulder, “Thank you,” she whispers gratefully.

“I won’t ask, I know you’d tell me if you could and if you’re keeping this tight-lipped then it means you won’t risk anything affecting the future. I’ll just tell you that I’m here, and I will be ready when the time comes. I promise,” I swear.

“Players are slowly moving into place. Time is approaching fast, and a single mistake could cost us everything. I will do whatever it takes to keep this world and those in it alive. I have worked too long and too hard to see it all fall apart now,” she says vehemently, her silver eyes burning with an intensity I have never seen before, but beyond that, I see exhaustion and worry. How long has she been carrying this burden on her shoulders? How long has she taken it upon herself to be our Atlas, holding up each of us and the world itself and each of us completely ignorant of what she’s going through? I spent all these years being the squeakiest wheel in the universe, complaining and whining at every turn, but Zarseti has been enduring this in silence. Not because she’s trying to be a martyr, but because that’s how much she is unwilling to risk anything going wrong.

Suddenly I’m filled with nothing but compassion and admiration for this Goddess I call my friend. I wrap my arms around her and pull her close as I soothingly stroke her hair. She stiffens in my arms, and after a beat, slowly begins to relax into my embrace and wraps her arms around me.

“Thank you for always taking care of us,” I softly whisper in her ear.

I’ve caused a lot of people grief in my life, but that ends. Whatever Zarseti needs from me, I am at her disposal. For the first time in a long time, I have something worth living for, and I’m not letting anyone or anything take that away from me. Whatever’s coming, we’re not going down without a fight.