CHAPTER TWO HUNDRED AND FORTY-EIGHT : NANNY

CHAPTER TWO HUNDRED AND FORTY-EIGHT : NANNY
The moment his words registered in my head, I laughed.

The dark and anger filled kind, one that echoed through the room as I spat.

“So I was right.

Everything was just a game for you."

He looked at me in disbelief as he shook his head quickly.

“No…no, that’s not it, Leah.

I swear.

Yes, I didn’t want you and Killian to get married

But I’m not so selfish as to pull such a move,” he said.

“But you are Ethan.

You are everything selfish and wicked.

You never thought about how your words or actions affected anybody but yourself.

You are…”

“I’m not Leah!” He barked, and I flinched watching as his jaws hardened and he stared at me with so much regret.

“I agree I was like that before.

But I swear, I’ve changed.

I would never repeat my past mistakes

As much as I hated seeing you and Killian together, I still wanted you both to get married,” he muttered.

“Killian was good for you.

He took care of you better than I ever did.

And it hurt me more than I’ll ever say, but I swear I did none of this to stop your marriage.

I knew if I did something like that, it would only make you hate me more, so I didn’t dare.

I had made sure that only one note carried my death, but it was dated three months after you must have married Killian.

I did not know when you would have discovered I was dead.

But I thought that was a long enough time ,” he sounded wretched.

Slowly drawing out his words like they were killing him to say.

And above all, he sounded so genuine.

“If it’s not to stop my wedding, then why did you do this then?” I asked, helpless that I could not make out any other reason.

That had been the only thought that made sense.

I watched as his hands curled, tightening into a fist, as he gritted out.

“It was my punishment,” he responded through a ragged breath.

He must have seen the puzzled expression on my face because he continued.

“I caused you so much pain, Leah.

And whipping myself was my punishment for it.

It was my payment, my penance for every harm you have suffered as a result of my actions.

I knew it probably was nothing compared to what you went through, but at least it gave me some semblance,” he paused, choking on his next words before he finally spat them out.

“When my father died and my mother was arrested, I had a nanny.

She taught me that for every wrong I committed, I needed to pay for them.

And that payment was always through pain.

She said that was the only way to understand how the other person felt when I hurt them.

So she cut me with a razor across my chest anytime I did something bad.

She said I needed to bleed to attain forgiveness.

And she was right, Leah,” he breathed, raising his head to look at me.

I could see the tears glistening around his eyes.

I shook my head, feeling sorrow for young Ethan, and how much they damaged the little boy within him.

“No she was wrong, Ethan.

Whipping yourself, cutting your body and even sucide is self harm.

And that's it.

You can never attain forgiveness that way.

She was evil for teaching you that.

She just wanted to hurt you.

And she made you believe she was doing the right thing by doing that,” I snarled, in anger wondering how someone could be so inhumane to a small child.

But what she did to him was evil.

Completely evil.

It made my mind flash back to those marks on his chest when we were together.

She was the one who had caused them.

And some had even looked new.

“I never intended to try and kill myself, I swear,” he rapsed, snapping my attention back to him.

“I just wanted to pay for what I had done.

Although some part of me was happy when I realized my wounds might have been too deep and I wouldn’t make it.

But that was because it was hard enough to bear the thought of you and Killian together.

But seeing you both married was going to kill me.

So it was better to die now,” he mumbled.

“Please Leah tell me what I can do to get you to forgive me.

I swear, I’ll do anything,” he pleaded, and I could see the sincerity bleeding in his eyes.

But it was too late.

“If you want me to forgive you, then move on, Ethan.

And let me move on too.

I want to leave in peace,” the words slipped out of my mouth, and I watched as he stilled.

Completely frozen.

“I am going to marry Killian sooner or later.

And now that you are back to your health and out of danger, we can finally get married.

And I don’t want to delay it any further,” I continued, watching the shattered expression that curled on his face.

But I meant every word I said.

“You can not continue to drag me back with your letters or your apologies.

I’m fed up already.

I just want to live my life on my own terms from now on.

We were never meant to be together, Ethan.

And I would never find it in my heart to forgive you.

The pain you caused me was unbearable.

I can never put myself through it again,” I muttered.

And I had no idea when exactly the first tears slipped down my cheeks, but I felt it when it landed on my palms.

“Even in death, Ethan, I would never forgive you,” I hissed.

Then, I stretched my hands out for him, my face as hard as steel as I bit out.

“Promise me.

Swear on my life that you’ll leave me and my children alone.

Swear that you’ll never try to hurt yourself again.

And lastly swear that from this day henceforth, we'll never see each other again.”