CHAPTER TWO HUNDRED AND FORTY-THREE : DESERVED IT

CHAPTER TWO HUNDRED AND FORTY-THREE : DESERVED IT
My hands trembled as a low sound left my lips yet, it was surprisingly I managed to continue reading.

“I sent you a total of one hundred and fifty notes, Leah.

One hundred and fifty! 

And they were supposed to be more, but I had to end it somewhere.

Because I knew I would not survive another day, especially with the kind of pain I was in.

But then, I deserved it, and a whole lot more.

It was my penance for every fucked up thing I did to you.

I deserved it for ruining your life, Leah.

You never deserved any and everything I did to you.

And I know you’ll probably be very glad to see me gone.

But can you at least pretend to cry at my grave?

Atleast, just to give me some peace while I’m burning in hell.

And also, can you please not tell my children the truth about how I die?

Please make up some story of me being a hero, so they’ll think I died as one.

I know you must probably be happy to hear I’m dead.

And I understand, after all, I’m the man who has put you through so much.

So I deserved it.

But, can I tell you something Leah?

You probably would not be able to answer me, not that you’ll even want to either, so I’ll just say it anyway.

You are the first woman to ever make me cum in all my thirty-five years of age.

Shocking right, knowing my history with women.

That's why I was shocked when Jennifer claimed she was carrying my child.

And worst, it still shocked me that I was even able to get hard for Jennifer when she was not you.

It still unbelievable to me that she carried and birthed my child, when I knew I’ve never been able to ejaculate with any woman but you.

That is why I wanted to keep you after that night.

It was my deformity, not being able to ejaculate during sex. Maybe my parents did hurt me more than I thought.

I was the heir— I’m expected to produce children who’ll take on our family’s business.

That was why I proposed to you to become my submissive, but then, you refused.

And when I got you arrested, I saw it as an opening, and made you sign the contract with me to become my sex slave.

I thought you could heal me.

I was desperate, but I never saw us getting married.

And when I discovered you were a Harnes, I was livid and started to hate you.

I hated you because I still carried the weight of my father’s death.

It was not fair to him. But I should have known that life was never fair.

But I hated you more than I should have.

I should have let you go seeing you were a Harnes, but for some reason, I could not.

For some reason it felt impossible to ever let you go.

And the thought of you with another man made me want to commit murder.

Being with you was overwhelming.

You got under my skin so easily—and I started to develop feelings for a woman I was supposed to hate.

So I wanted you to hate me too at some point.

And at some point, I was just looking for each and every single reason to remind myself that I was supposed to hate you.

Pretty fucked up right?

Yeah, I guess.

But I had no idea what to do with my emotions.

I was never taught how to handle them, and it felt unwarranted to me.

Like an intruder, so I desperately wanted to kill it.

I made too many mistakes with you, Leah.

Far too many.

And I wished everyday that I could go back and start all over again with you.

Then, I’ll treat you right.

But a man like me could only wish.

I wanted you as a cure.

But you healed not only my body, but my heart too Leah.

And for that, I’ll be forever grateful.

Our relationship was too toxic.

I abused the power I knew I had over you.

I choose to cause you pain.

I made you cry time and time again. 

And it took you to be away from me to finally see the tremendous pain I put you through.

And I’m glad you got away from me, Leah.

I’m extremely glad.

Because, you never deserved any of that.

And then, for that bastard Killian.

You both must be approximately three months into your marriage by now.

I prayed that he’ll treat you way better than I ever did.

And I know he will. I’ve seen it in his eyes, the way he looks at you.

Although, part of me doesn’t want you two to be happy.

I also prayed that you’ll grow to hate him, realizing he was not good enough for you.

Then, you’ll divorce him, and leave with my children.

I don’t know the wish of my prayers God would answer.

But then, I hope it’s not the latter because if you divorce him then who’s going to look over and protect you and our children.

I can’t be worrying about that in hell.

So please just stay with him.

I know you must have received the Blackwoods shares by now.

You are a strong headed woman.

I know you’ll probably reject it, but please accept it.

You can do anything you want with the company.

I already told you that all that’s mine is yours, and will forever be.

And for the twins' trust, I hope that bastard read that part of the will to you.

Please, make sure that bastard lawyer does not steal any of my children's money because I’m not there

I’ve heard of lawyers doing that before.

And lastly, I need a favor from you.

Please take care of Kayla for me.

You must not know who she is, since we’ve kept her hidden for years.

But she’s mine and Jennifer’s daughter.

And she’s my princess.

I know it’s evil of me to request that you care for a child who is the product of my infidelity, but I have no other choice.

Can you check up on her once in a while in the foster home she is at.

I just want to be sure that her foster parents are treating her right.

“My dearest, Leah,

I’m sorry for not believing you did not kill my grandfather.

I should have no soul as beautiful as yours could never do something like that.

I’m sorry for every single hurt and pain I caused you.

I’m sorry for every bit of tear you shared because of my actions.

I’m sorry for everytime I chipped a beautiful piece of your heart off with my ignorance.

And I’m sorry for cheating on you with Jennifer, Leah.

You were and are the only woman I had ever had eyes for.

And I’ll forever hate myself for taking her to our bed.

I hope my penance would be enough to pay for all the evil I’ve done towards you, Leah.

I’m sorry for…”

The letter ended there, smudged with ink almost as if he couldn’t write any more.