Interlude Nine

Fitz.

Willow sat with her head in her hands while I drove as fast as I could to get to a hotel, so she wouldn’t have to be sick in a car. She was so quiet as she stared at the window. But she didn’t look very sick. Just out of it. I didn’t know what that meant.

“You okay, Sugar?” I asked, giving myself a second to look at her from the road. She moaned something at me I couldn’t understand, and I let it go. She wasn’t throwing up yet, so that should be a good sign. She already ruined my car enough.

Then she started laughing and she didn’t stop.

“Something funny?” Ferris spoke loudly to be heard over her insane laughter.

She tried to talk, but intelligible words didn’t come out. Then she laughed even harder.

“She’s high…” Juliet said. “What the hell did they shoot her with?”

This can only go poorly. I’d never seen her intoxicated in any way, and I honestly had no clue how she would take it, but if how she was right now said anything, I thought it might be fun.

“Something that wasn’t supposed to do this,” I said. “But we’re a mile out from a hotel. I’m going to try and put her to bed.”

“No!” Willow shouted, snapping out of her laugh in a second. “I don’t wanna go to bed.”

I smiled. “You should.”

She fought me until we pulled up to a motel I sent Juliet and Phin in to get our rooms while Dawnie pulled her bike up alongside us. I got out of the car, and went around the hood to get Willow. She was already unbuckled, and she jumped into my arms.

“Hi.” She smiled when her face was two inches away from mine. “How are you? I’m really, really good.”

I laughed, and set her on her feet. “I’m great. Will you try and calm down for me?”

Her eyes went big as they sparkled at me. “But I wanna dance. You should dance with me.” Willow grabbed my hands, and started trying to force me into an abominable version of a Waltz. I stayed where I was while she danced around me until her brother and Juliet got back.

“I’ll dance with you,” Dawnie offered, and took my mate right from me. The girls were hand in hand as they danced in the parking lot.

Phin walked up to me, and stared at Willow while shaking his head. “I’m glad she never got into drugs, because this would piss me off to see more often.”

Ferris smiled. “But she’s so happy right now. In the whole time I’ve known her, I’ve never seen her look anything but miserable.”

Phin handed me our key card. “Good luck, and try and be a good guy here and not take advantage of my sister. If I find out you did, I’ll kill you.”

I raised an eyebrow. “It’s not taking advantage if she wants it.”

“She doesn’t want you.”

He was right about that one. She might have enjoyed what I did to her, but I’m sure she wished it was anyone but me doing it.

I took the card, and went to get Willow, who was now dancing with Pepper. She dipped Willow, and I was so sure they’d both end up on the ground. Somehow they didn’t. Willow came back up laughing.

“Come on.” I reached for her.

“Nope!” She backed away. “You just want me to sleep. But I wanna play.” She eyed Dawnie’s bike and I got nervous.

“No, Willow. Come with me now,” I commanded her.

She did nothing, but laugh at me as she skipped over to the bike. “May I borrow this?” she asked the crazy demon.

“Sure.” She shrugged and handed over the keys.

That was it. I marched over to her, yanked the keys out of her hand, and tossed them over my shoulder. “Willow,” I said harshly as I plucked her off of the bike and onto her on her feet. “You’re coming with me right now. I won’t let you get yourself killed.”

She smiled at me with her eyes half open. “That’s okay. I kind of want to do something else now.” She jumped up on me, and her limbs went all around me. “Will you play with me?”

…oh this was going to end poorly. “Let’s just go to our room.”

“Yes.” She nodded. “We should do that. But hurry.”

“Phin?” I sighed, and turned to meet very angry eyes. “While I keep your sister from trying to jump off the roof to fly, can you get that tire taken care of?”

He was too busy glaring to answer, so Juliet stepped in. She put her hand on his chest as if to keep him back. “Yes we will. Keep her safe, please.”

“Duh.”

To avoid her brother trying to kill me, and me in turn killing him, I set Willow down, and we started walking. I got three steps before she hopped on my back. She rested her chin on my shoulder, and told me to hurry again.

We started walking up the stairs outside. I turned back when I heard the bike start up. I saw Pepper on it as she took off down the parking lot, Ferris chasing her and screaming out her name.

I got us into the room, and set Willow down. She was a handful on the best of days, so I had no clue how I was gonna handle this.

I made the mistake of not paying attention to her, and the little hooligan caught me off guard. She shoved me down onto the bed, and landed on top of me. She hovered with her face over mine. Her long red hair was all to one to one side of her as it pooled on the bed.

“You have made a whole lotta promises to me about this. So you better deliver, sweetie.”

Awareness hit me in a second, and every part of my body was screaming at another. My brain was winning, for now. “Willow.” I set my hands on her sides to keep her farther from me. “We’re not doing this right now.”

She didn’t seem concerned. She sat up on me, and I sat up too. “I know I’m not going to be very good at it, but I’ll get better the more times we do it. So for a while you can do whatever you want to me and I’ll go with it.”

I was not a good man. It’d been something I told her a million times since we met. I was the kind of man who takes what he wants when he wants it. I didn’t wait for an invitation. So here I was. The girl I was madly and completely in love with was telling me to do whatever I wanted to her, and she’d happily roll with it. She was on my lap and ready to go. Everything I wanted was mine to take.

“No, Willow. You don’t want this.”

That physically hurt me worse than anything I’d ever felt. I would hate myself later, but at least I didn’t right now.

“I really do,” she corrected me. She took the bottom of my shirt, and ripped it open. The buttons came undone like the traitors they were. She ran her tiny hands up my chest, and back down again. “Do you have any idea how pretty you are? Jesus, how did I not try this a long time ago?”

Damnitdamnitdamnit. I moved her hands off of me, and she looked confused. “You’re high out of your mind. This isn’t happening.”

She cocked her head to the side. “But you said that any time I wanted, I could ask you to do anything to me, and you would. I know what I want.” Her hands went back to my chest, and she nearly purred.

I’d done a lot of bad things in my life. This had to be my punishment. What else could it be?

She bent down, and started kissing my neck. Soft and slow as her nails bit into my shoulder, and her body rocked on mine. “If you want,” she whispered in my ear. “You can do what you wanted to do this morning. I bet you can make me like it.”

I groaned for all the wrong reasons. “Please stop,” I said flatly. “I’m moments away from doing something truly selfish and just…” I stopped because talking about it only made it worse. Willow noticed.

She looked down at my lap and sat up. “Oh,” she said with the biggest smile in the world. “I can go first if you want.” She dropped down so that she was eye level with my zipper, and she started undoing my pants.

“No!” I sat up, but she didn’t move. “I am trying so fucking hard to be a good guy here.”

“I know.” She still smiled. “You’ve been very good. So.” She put her hand on my chest, and shoved me onto my back. “Now, I’ve never done this before, but I’m going to try my very best to make you like it.”

I sat up again, before she tried pulling my pants and boxers down. I caught her by the wrists. “Sugar,” I sighed. “First, it doesn’t matter if you’ve done it before or not. There’s not a thing you could do wrong for me.” Any touch would be nothing short of perfection. “But we can’t do this now. You’re not in your right mind. The second that you are, then I promise you I will do anything and everything to you. I’m yours to use in any way you wish, but for right now, we’re not going to do this.”

I hate myself…

She sat up on me again, and put her arms around my neck. She looked sadder than I’d seen her today, but it was in an oddly peaceful way. Like she didn’t quite understand what was happening. “But I thought you wanted this.”

I hung my head, and pressed it to her collarbone. “I do. God I do. But I need you to want it too.” I picked her up, and laid her on her back. “Sleep this off. I need the real Willow back. The one who doesn’t want me near her.”

Her eyes shifted to something sympathetic. “I always want you, Fitz. I know that you’ve been betrayed a lot in your life, but I won’t do that to you. Not ever.” She sat halfway up to take my hand.

“I really want to believe you.”

Her eyes narrowed. “You should.” She pulled me on top of her, and her hands went to my sides. “You talk such a big game. I’m starting to think that’s all it is. Talk. Cuz the last time we were like this, and I was almost begging you to get me naked, you choked then too.”

“Choked?” My eyebrows went up. “Do you think that I’m so egotistical that I’d screw you just to prove a point?”

“Fitz,” she said seriously. “I feel like I’m on fire right now, and I literally think I’m going to die if you don’t do something for me.”

I smiled. “Sorry, but I can’t.”

“Please.” Her eyes were wide. “It’s starting to hurt a little. I’m not kidding about the burning. I didn’t know that happened.”

I tried not to laugh or cry. Cry because she wanted me so bad that she was in actual pain, and because it was adorable that she didn’t know a thing about how her body worked. “Tell me about it,” I sighed, and threw a lazy glance to what was happening between my legs.

“Fix it. Please.” She looked at me with something very wicked, and I almost lost it right there. She didn’t give me the chance to tell her no again. She moved away from me, grabbed my hand, and shoved it under her dress, right where the burning was. She wasn’t lying about how badly she wanted this. She smiled as she guided my fingers along her skin.

“Oh my god,” I almost groaned again. I think I hate my life. I really do.

She took her free hand, and pulled my head down to nibble on my earlobe, stopping only to moan right into my ear. Just… just right into my ear.

“Willow,” I said her name desperately as I forced myself to speak the words to end this. I wasn’t putting anything into it, but that didn’t seem to matter much to her. She was moving and humming and panting all the same. “This needs to end. I can’t do this.” I removed my hand with a lot of willpower, and left it next to hers on her stomach.

Almost helpless, she said, “But I don’t know how to do it myself, and I really need it.” She grinned again. “Maybe you can teach me.”

Yet another groan left me, and I pressed my forehead to the center of her chest and whined. “You’re killing me.”

“I’m sorry,” she said sincerely. “I don’t mean to upset you. I just really need you on top of me right now. So hurry up.”

I laughed with more frustration than humor. “Oh... You had to go and look like this today, didn’t you? I love you in white too. You look so innocent. If angels were real, they would envy you.”

She laughed. Like it was a silly notion. “I’m sure,” she said sarcastically.

I didn’t move my head. “They would, love. They really would. You’re perfect. And in that dress…why do you keep wearing these damn things?”

“Because you like it when I wear them,” she said sweetly.

“You wear them because I like it?” I couldn’t process that idea. She wouldn’t do that for me.

“Of course. Because I love you, and I want you to be happy. We can’t be together, but I don’t want you to be sad about it. I thought this might make it a little better for you. Plus.” She smiled and her whole aura shined. “Your eyes get all big when you see me like this, and it makes my heart go all fluttery.”

I stopped breathing.

Love.

She said she loved me.

My brain short-circuited as I played her words over and over again in my head. They couldn’t be right. She told me she could never love me. Life didn’t cut me breaks, or give me the things I needed. It wouldn’t give me this.

I lifted my head up, and didn’t notice that I fell between Willow’s legs. “You…you love me?” I whispered.

Her hand went up my arm, and she held onto me. “Yes.”

She was high. Nothing she said should be believed. Oh, but it didn’t do anything less to my insides. I still heard the girl I love say she loved me too. She didn’t say what kind of love it was. Do I risk disappointment by asking?

Yes.

“How do you love me?”

“What do you mean?” Her head tilted to the side.

“I mean, you love Ferris, and you love Pepper. Juliet and Phin…”

“Oh,” she said when she understood. “Ferris and Pepper are like my siblings. Juliet is too. Phin clearly. It’s not the same with you. I love you like…” Her nose scrunched up, and her eyes flickered to the side as she thought. “I don’t really know how to say it, but I think about you, and sometimes I get goosebumps and my tummy feels all warm. When you already had a name for our fake baby it made me a little…” She smiled again. “So I guess I love you in the way that would really start hurting if I didn’t see you anymore.” Her eyes turned down, and her lip quivered like she wanted to cry. “Like after I left, and didn’t see you for three weeks. They kept telling me you weren’t coming for me, but you promised, and I believed you. So I waited. I was so sad.

“And you keep talking about when we see Mom again. You think she’s going to make you leave. I’m scared that you want that. That you’re looking for a reason to leave me.”

“No. Never. Even if you were forcing me out the door, I couldn’t go.”

“Good.” Her voice was steadier. “Because I don’t know what I would do if you left me again.”

I couldn’t get my hopes up. I shouldn’t…but it was happening anyway. Everything around me slowed down as I tried to figure out how this was happening to me. I didn’t deserve it. I knew that much. Still, I wanted to hear it. I needed her to say it.

“Willow, are you in love with me?”

She nodded as she searched my eyes for something.

My heart stopped beating in my chest, and I almost forgot every hurt I ever felt. Jemma leaving me. The man I thought of as my father betraying me. Using me. Every time Willow told me she hated me. None of it mattered. She was in love with me.

“I think I know when it happened,” she added in her beautiful, soft voice. “Do you want to know?”

I nodded, because I couldn’t remember how to talk.

“It was when we were in Mom and Dad’s room. When you were crying, and I was holding you. I figured it out then. That you weren’t a monster at all. You were broken. It’s okay to be broken. You can do monstrous things, and still not be a monster.”

Was that possible? Could I not really be a monster? I didn’t believe it, but she did.

“Now that you know.” She smirked, and her hands pulled my head down again. She kissed my cheek, and then kissed a trail down to my neck. Her legs moved farther apart, and I finally realized the position we were in. I was still partially frozen, so I only half noticed when her hands glided down my spine, and slipped into my back pockets. “Hmm…”

I was little more than weight on her, since I just couldn’t do a thing. I didn’t know if I could trust what she was saying in her intoxicated state. It would either make her truthful, or it would exaggerate what she really felt. I’d need to hear it from her again before I could do anything about it.

“Fitz.” She kissed my neck, and paused. “This is getting a little boring. Come on, do that moving thing you do.” She grabbed my ass, and tried pulling my pelvis against hers in the same motion I typically did.

“This still can’t happen,” I told her, somehow. She didn’t stop moving me against her, and I eventually started moving with her. This was nothing. She wouldn’t be upset later over it.

“But,” she paused as I shifted around, and moved against her in what was apparently the right way. Her eyes widened before they closed halfway. “But I love you. Don’t you still want to…”

“Yes. But not right now.”

Her lips parted, and she sucked in a quick breath before looking down. “Um, ya know, if you wanna move a little faster, you can. Or a little…uh, harder. But only if you want to.”

If she hadn’t told me a couple days ago that I wasn’t allowed to kiss her anymore, I would be…all the fuck over her. I was probably risking her wrath by being on top of her. So fulfilling her request wouldn’t be right…

“Next time,” I promised. “I will go as hard and fast as you want me to.”

She laughed. “I think I’m a little sleepy now.”

Thank God, because I didn’t know how much more of this I could take.

“Can I ask you something first?”

She nodded.

“Why can’t we be together if you love me?”

Her sleepy eyes started closing, but she held on. “Because you do bad things. A lot. You keep saying you’re bad. You’re bad and I’m good. How can I keep being good if I’m with someone who isn’t?”

She thought I would sully her. I would. She was like a beautiful field covered in a fresh blanket of snow. Pure and white and soft and perfect. I was a truck driving by, splashing the scene with mud from the gutter. Worse, I was the mud. Once the snow was dirty, there would be no going back. It would be ruined forever. She thought I would ruin her.

I would.

So what did I do? I loved her. She might love me. Did I stop fighting for her, and let her be pure and perfect without me? Did I do the unselfish thing, and rid her of the mess that was me? Did I keep fighting for what was never really mine in the first place? What I had no right to want.

Or did I do what I’d never done before? Did I become the man that she wanted me to be? The one who could let go of the only thing he’d ever really wanted in as long as he could remember. What he needed. Just because it would be better for her. It would be the hardest thing I ever had to do, but it would be best for her, so I could do it. I could be something that I wasn’t. For her I could evolve into something more than this beast.

She was every part of me that was worth a damn. Without her, I knew what I was going to be again. When this ended, she would keep my soul with hers, because God knows I didn’t have one without her.

So there it was. No more fighting for her. No more kisses or touches. No more holding her hand when no one could see. No more joy. No more light.

My chest felt hollowed out. I felt like I was lifted to the highest point in the universe and left to fall. Yes, that was it. Like I was falling and I didn’t have anything to catch me. The landed would kill me.

I got off of Willow, and my hands trembled as I laid her on her back. She stopped me before I could leave. “Wait. Will you sing me to sleep?”

I could do that. Just this one last time. I half laid down next to her. She crawled onto my body, and laid down like I was her very own bed. My eyes stung with tears that I would never allow to see the light of day. Her head rested on my chest over my heart, and she held my hand with hers, like she needed it to soothe her.

Hardly able to keep my voice from shaking, I started singing. Quiet, so, so quiet. Each word burned in my heart.

After she fell asleep, I moved her as gently as I could. I laid her down and took her shoes off before I pulled the covers up on her. She had a hint of a smile on her soft lips.

I could do this. I had to do this. For her. Not me. I needed to live with the pain I earned, so she could have a shot at being who she wanted to be. It was the right thing to do. The only thing to be done.

I kissed her forehead, letting my lips linger for the very last time, and stepped back. I got into my own bed, and it felt a mile away from her. I had to face away from her so I had a chance at sleeping tonight. Though I didn’t believe it would come peacefully. It hadn’t since I stopped sleeping with her.

Funny, I thought as nausea rolled through me. She asked me to try for her, and then she could try for me. Funny that the one truly profound and significant act of trying that I could do, was not try anymore.

The End.