Chapter Forty-Four

Again, I woke up without Fitz, and blamed my nightmare on that. I felt as cold as I did the day before. He was already in the shower, and there was a tray of warm food on my bed next to me. I sat up, and started eating while I waited for him to come out. Because that was what I was doing. Waiting for him.

He came out of the bathroom with his shirt unbuttoned, and running his fingers through his wet hair. He smelled like steam, and rainwater, and the earth. He smiled at me like seeing me brightened his morning.

I was losing my battle, and I could feel it in my bones. I haven’t even been fighting very long. I was the definition of pathetic. I guess all it took was a couple weeks of mostly sweet behavior before I lost it. I needed to keep reminding myself of who he really was. Once he got what he wanted, that man would come back.

“How did you sleep?” he asked me.

I almost panicked. The dream came back, and I didn’t want to tell him about it. No one but me knew, because what could anyone do? I needed to deal until it went away and hope that it actually would go away.

“Fine,” I lied. “You?”

He smiled, and looked away from me. “I had a pleasant dream. You and I were in bed together. You were naked of course. Then I went under the covers, and you started making the loveliest of sounds after I put your legs around my head, and started—”

“Too far! But thanks for letting me know you’re gross even in your dreams.”

His eyebrows went up as he sat on his bed. “Gross? I think you mean talented. Where on Earth did you get the idea that that’s anything but wonderful?”

I frowned, and looked at the floor. “I don’t know. It seems unpleasant. I’m pretty sure I’d hate it. Like everything else you want to do with me.”

His mouth hung open. “I am so upset that you think that. I assure you that if you give me five seconds, you will never let me be anywhere but between your legs.”

“No thanks.” I went back to eating.

“Oh.” He shook his head, and sighed. “You sweet, innocent, naïve, beautiful little virgin. You have no idea what you’re missing. Five seconds. Just give me five. What kind of man would I be if I didn’t take care of my mate?”

I set my hand on my hip. “We are NOT mates.”

He returned my anger with softness. “Sugar, just because I’m not your mate doesn’t mean you’re not mine.”

That sent a flutter and an ache through my chest that I wanted to ignore.

I shook my head. “You can’t possibly think this is happening.”

“Why? You’ve let me get you off before.”

I nearly drowned on the water I was drinking. I choked it down, and ignored the fire in my cheeks. “Not the same thing. I was sleepy, and I was way past trying to tell you to stop.” And well past wanting him to. “Even a deviant like you can see that what you want to do is way more intimate than what you did before.”

He smiled and shrugged. “Maybe, but you have to admit we’ve had more intimate things happen between us. You held me while I cried like a little bitch. I think my mouth wandering below the belt isn’t much compared to that.”

My eyebrows knit together with lingering sadness. “Don’t say that. Don’t try and diminish what you felt, because you don’t think you should feel it.”

His eyes were weary. “I shouldn’t waste my life mourning her.”

“Mourn as long as you need to. What do you think is going to happen when you see her today? If you keep up like this, you’ll never be okay with her. You’re staying. That means you need to be able to function with her around.”

He smiled, but it wasn’t happy. “Willow, she won’t want me around. She didn’t then, and she doesn’t now.”

“That isn’t true. Even if it is, I don’t care. I told you that you’re staying and that means you’re staying.”

Again, he shook his head. “If she tells you to make me go, you’d do it.”

“I would not. I told you I wanted you. You were supposed to believe me.”

He put his hands on his knees, and laughed miserably. “Can we go back to talking about me going down on you?”

“Don’t downplay this, Fitz. If you’re worried about something, you can talk to me. Always.”

He looked back up at me from the floor. “Fine. Since you’re so hell bent on my humanity coming out, how’s this. When I tell you that you’re everything to me, I mean it. I have nothing without you. I have no home. I have no one. You are literally half of my soul. I am disturbingly attached to you, Willow Warren.”

My body warmed at the idea of that for reasons I chose to ignore. “You’re not going anywhere. I’m the reluctant leader of this damn group, and I say that we never leave a man behind. You proved that when you went back for Twix. So if you wanna leave…well too bad.” You’re half my soul too.

“That’s a beautiful thought, Sugar, but soon it might not be your choice. I feel so deeply for you, so don’t get offended when I say this.”

Uh oh.

“Your parents raised you to be weak. You were when I first met you. I don’t think you are anymore. I know now that a lot of what I was seeing as weakness was actually compassion. We both know I’m not too wise to that emotion.

“Willow, you’re soft in a million beautiful ways, and a couple of scary ones. In certain circumstances, your personality is taken over by a stronger one. I’ve done that to you, and I’m sorry. It was me taking advantage. You were right about that. You let people overpower you, and make choices for you that you may not want, but you go with, because you feel you can’t fight. But you can.

“I think that once you’re around the people who so strictly policed you for nearly twenty years, you’ll fold. It’s Jemma. She’s your mother, and you love her. If she wanted you to make me leave, I think you would. You love her too much to say no.”

“But I—” Oh, son of a bitch. I knew what almost came out of my mouth, and I couldn’t believe it. It wasn’t true. I was gone, but I wasn’t that far gone.

I needed something else to say. Something that I knew was true. So I stood up, and went to him. I held his face in my hands so he couldn’t avoid eye contact. “I’m promising you right now that I’m not going to make you leave. I am not my mother. I don’t abandon people that I— that are mine. And you are mine. Do you hear that? That stupid Link goes both ways. You made me yours, in a really fucked up way, and you’re just as much mine in that same fucked up way.”

His eyes dropped when he breathed slowly out of his nose. I watched him as he thought through my words. His hand covered mine on his face. “Do you still hate me?” He wouldn’t look at me while he spoke or even after.

I knew the answer in a second. I hadn’t hated him for a long time. Not after the night I died. He thought I was little more than catatonic, but I was entirely aware of everything he did and said. I could see all of the worry in his eyes, and how gentle he was being with me. I saw what he could be if he only tried a little harder. My monster wasn’t always a monster.

“No. I don’t hate you.” A tiny voice in my head poked at me with more words to follow. Words that I would never say. They weren’t true. I couldn’t let them be.

He looked back up at me. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I can’t be what you deserve.”

He may not be what I deserved, but that didn’t make me want him any less than I did. I didn’t know how to comfort this pain in him, but I tried anyway. “You’re so much more than you think you are. Don’t hold onto who you were just because it’s easier and less painful.”

His eyes were so soft while he looked at me. They held old and new pain. Hope and despair. An edge of helplessness. “Do you think I can be a good man?”

“Only if you want to be.” I dropped my hand from his face, and went to shower.

We were so close to where we needed to be, so I hurried. I think we were only a few hours out from the border, and then it was a matter of finding a needle in a haystack.

I pulled a white dress over my head, and wondered how this one was going to get stained with blood. It seemed to happen a lot. I could have gone with pants and a shirt. I had both now that we had stopped at home, but I wanted to wear a dress today. Fitz liked me in dresses.

He was ready to leave when I walked out of the bathroom, so I pulled my shoes on, and we started loading up the car. A loud engine drowned out all other sounds, and made Fitz and me turn around.

Dawnie was riding up on a motorcycle, and the first thing I did was laugh. She had fingerless leather gloves, goggles, a leather jacket, and a scarf thrown around her neck. She stopped in front of us, and got off the bike.

“Why?” was all Fitz said.

She took her helmet off, and shook out her long hair. “Because I saw it and wanted it.”

I sighed. “You stole it? Remember what happened when you tried stealing something before?”

“I didn’t steal this. I borrowed it. I will return it soon.”

The others showed up before I could ask how she even knew how to ride that thing. They all went through the same questions I did, and I decided to tune it out, and finish packing up.

“I’m taking my bike.” Dawnie smiled as the rest of us got in the car. “I’ll follow behind you.”

“Are you sure?” I felt uneasy about it.

“I’ll be fine. Just head in the same direction that you were going. The light is fading, but I can still see that they haven’t moved. If we don’t hurry, then I’ll need to track them again.”

I nodded, and we left for Mom and Dad. Dawnie stayed close behind us as Fitz sped down the road.

The car was a little tense the closer we got. I could tell that Phin was antsy, and that made Juliet quiet. Pepper played with Twix while Ferris probably watched her. Fitz drove, and I stared out the window so I wouldn’t have to look at him. Not after what I thought I felt this morning. I had to be careful.

We went for a little while, and after we broke through the border, we stopped to eat. We opted for quick this time, instead of comfortable, so we ate in the car. As soon as Dawnie and Fitz were done, we started up again.

We were close to the facility, and it made me nervous. God only knew how many of those people were crawling around, looking for us, and probably my parents.

“How much longer do you think?” Ferris asked after we got back on the road.

“Maybe two hours,” Fitz answered.

Two hours from my parents. I was halfway between excited and worried. Fitz was right when he said that I tended to let people control me. I didn’t want to be that anymore, but I didn’t know what being around my parents again would do. They had ruled me my whole life, and it would be easy to slip back into that life.

In the beginning, I would have done anything to have my mom and dad to tell me what to do, and take over. But I’d been the leader here to some extent since we were separated. I’d like to think that Fitz wouldn’t let them control me, but the truth was that I needed to stand up for myself. He shouldn’t need to do that for me. Standing up to my parents wouldn’t be an easy thing to do.

Fitz’s voice broke through the noise in my head. “Are you all right, Willow?”

I snapped back into reality, and nodded. “I’m fine. Just a little tired.” Not a total lie. My nightmare didn’t allow me to sleep very well. There was a fairy good chance I’d doze off in the ca—

A loud popping sound came before Fitz nearly lost control of the car. He cursed, and pulled over. “Damn tire blew out.” Fitz got out of the car to look at it as I unbuckled my seatbelt.

The road we were on was— like all the other ones we took —small and almost hidden away. By design. The only other person we saw was Dawnie, and she pulled up alongside us.

Fitz knelt down to check on the tire that was slowly losing air. His eyebrow went up as he reached for something in the rubber. He pulled hard, and came back with a dart in his hand.

“Uh oh,” was all I got out before we heard a shot ring out. The bark from a tree three feet from us exploded into dust, and Dawnie hit the deck.

Fitz stood quickly, and shoved me behind his back as he looked for the source of the shot. Everyone got out of the car as we prepared for what was coming.

I tried to move past Fitz, but he was intent on not letting me get hurt. Even if I was stronger than he was. I stood at his side as a black car sped up to us.

“Not again,” Juliet moaned. “Phin, get in the car while we take care of this.” He started to protest, but she yelled for him to hurry. He closed the car door as the car screeched to a stop, and the men started getting out.

It was clear to us all that the men were from the facility. Who else would be trying to shoot us? There were only three of them, and Fitz smiled like this would be more fun than something to be sorry about.

“Hello, boys.” He grinned.

One of the men held up a gun, and said, “Get in our car, and bring the boy with you. We need to take care of the others.”

Fitz put his hands behind his back. “No, I think I’m fine here.”

The man with the gun looked confused. “Did the hybrid take you or did you willingly go with her? Your father is under the impression you and Ferris were taken against your will.”

Fitz shrugged. “Sorry. A pretty girl needs help, and all I can do is oblige.”

The man’s finger went to the trigger. “I’m sure your father will be very disappointed when we bring your body back.”

Before he could pull the trigger, Pepper had his gun in her hand, and she wore a smile as she pointed it at him. “Oh, is this yours?”

The three men rushed to the car, and Pepper took one of them down in a second. Fitz and Juliet hurried to the other two, and I was left standing without knowing how I could help. Fitz threw the man he had, and his back slammed against the shot tree. I heard his spine crack as he crumbled to the ground in a heap.

The man on Juliet threw his elbow into her stomach, and grabbed another gun from the car. My feet started moving to her, and I didn’t know if I would make it in time. He had the gun in his hand, but he wasn’t aiming for her, he was going for a more personal approach. She wasn’t quick enough to dodge his next punch to her stomach, and she landed on the ground. Behind me, I could hear another gunshot, and I assumed it was Pepper.

I got to Juliet as the man above her pulled a knife from his side. He raised his hand into the air as he got ready to send it into her heart. I knocked into him, and he fell to the ground. The knife fell out of his hand, but the gun didn’t. He aimed at my stomach and fired.

A sharp pain hit me, but it wasn’t what I thought it would be. I looked down and saw a little dart stuck in my flesh. Again. Dammit.

Before I knew it, Fitz was there. He snapped the man’s neck like it was nothing before taking the knife, and sinking it into his chest. Then he picked me up, and set me on my feet. His hand went to my stomach immediately as he pulled the little dart from me, making the sharp pain a little worse.

“Fuck,” he said as he examined the thing. “Red.”

“What about it?” The last one I was hit with was yellow, and it was meant to make me pass out. So what the hell did red do?

“It’s meant for demons, so I really don’t know what it’ll do to you. We need to get you somewhere safe in case you get sick.” He tossed the dart aside, and started leading me to the car while Juliet rose to her feet.

We were on the road for three minutes before I started getting light headed.