But today had been a long day and I was starting to feel it. "Thanks for coming today. Her worker called in sick. She didn't want a different one to come in." "Anytime. She looks exhausted." "She's almost always depressed. She wants to go home." Home meant Philippines. "So why don't you take her on a vacation? On Christmas break. You'd get two weeks. "No, Kar," she said in a grave voice. "She wants to go home. Permanently." My heart fell to my stomach. "What?" "Maybe it's the depression that's talking. I don't know." I stopped. "If she goes, you go, too, right?" "Let's not talk about it. There's no point in stressing over it right now." "Let's talk about it now." "No. Let's really not. But..." she sighed. "I don't know how to make her happy anymore. I'm doing everything she wants. I'm taking Business just like she wants. She can't wait until I graduate so I can take over the our stores in the Philippines. But..." "It's not what you want." She looked at me helplessly. "That's the thing, Kar. I've been following my mom's plan for so long I don't even know what I want anymore." I didn't stay long at the Bautista's place, so it was still early when I got home, and still preoccupied about my conversation with Tala. Ever since her grandmother passed away a year ago, Mrs. B's health had declined. If she wanted to move, it wouldn't be a problem for them financially. Tal's family was loaded. What I couldn't get out of my mind was the helpless anguish in Tala's eyes. The back porchlight turned on as I looked for my house keys in my purse. Tired to the bone, I prepared myself to have a hard time opening the door, but it opened easily. Dad must have repaired it already. The apartment was ancient, and the wood gets too swollen from moisture when it got too cold out. Dad had to trim it. It should've been replaced but doors were pretty expensive. I heard the sounds of the tv before I pushed it open. "Hey, Kara Koala, you're early. How was your girl night? What's wrong?" I stored my boots in the closet, dumped my keys in the bowl on the console table by the door, hung my purse on the hook, and walked to the kitchen to get something to drink. The light from the fridge made a yellow slash on the floor. "I think Tal's mom wants to go back to the Philippines for good." He sat up from the couch and muted the tv. "Hmm." My dad knew me enough not to say anything. To give me time to formulate my thoughts. The more people demanded what I was thinking or feeling, the more closed off I got. I took my time, storing the Tupperware filled with pancit that Tala gave me in the fridge, boiling water, cutting up lemon wedges to make honey lemon tea for me and my dad. I handed him the cup and sat beside him. We watched tv for a while. I was lost in my thoughts, and I didn't realize there was no sound from the tv until I heard my dad sipping his tea. "Dad?" "Hmm?" "You never asked me to be anything," I said quietly, staring intently at my cup. "You never told me what you want me to become." He took another sip. Sighed deeply. "That's because you already are what I want you to be." I felt the threat of tears. "You know what your favorite sentence was when you were a kid?" I sniffed. "Gimme food?" He chuckled. "You eat like me, but we never gain weight, do we? I got supreme genes, I tell you." I nodded. "That you have, Mr. Hawthorne. That you have." The light from the tv was playing on my dad's features when I looked up at him. "Your favorite sentence was I can do it." He laughed as if remembering a funny memory. "I don't know if you remember, but you were five years old, and you were watching me wash the dishes. All of a sudden you tugged at my shirt, said 'Dad I wanna do it'. "I remember how big the plate looked in your hands and I thought you were going to drop it. I tried to take it from you, but you got mad and said—" "No, I can do it." He smiled warmly, nodded. "And that moment I realized how strong you are. It's very hard for a parent to step back, watch his kid struggle. But I'd learned that protecting you too much isn't doing you any good. "One day I'll be gone, and I want you to be strong when that time comes. Before that happens, you have to learn how to handle pain. "When you're sick, when you're sad, when people hurt you. If it hurts you, it hurts me more. You're my life. How can it not? "When your ma left, I was terrified. How the hell was I going to do this alone? I know I'm not perfect. And I'm lacking so many things. But then I look at you. And I know I did something good on this Earth. And that's all I need. That's all I need, my baby girl." I stayed with my dad for another half hour after that, trying not to cry, sipping on my honey lemon tea, watching tv. When I collapsed in bed, my body was exhausted, but my mind was buzzing with everything that happened today. Everyone was trying to control someone's life in some way. It didn't matter whether they had good intentions or bad. Andrew the joke of the jungle, trying to suck the life out of everything as usual. Mrs. B's depressive state and her need to control Tala's life. Tala's helplessness and anguish. She might move away soon. She was going to leave me. I tried not to think about that. And last but certainly not the least, my blackmailer, the right-hand man of Satan. Leaving me little choice but to be his chauffeur ninja. Be ready at his beck and call. Like a circus monkey. He didn't even give me a treat! I was sick of it! I'm a strong woman who takes control of her life. I can't control what others do around me, but I can control my reaction. And my reaction is to go to my blackmailer's house right now and demand what the hell he wants. The terms and conditions. Make a contract. Take back control. I sprang up in bed. Cracked my knuckles. Stretched my neck. I'm ready.