Chapter 12: 12

K A T IE

The phone rang just as I turned onto Joel’s street. I reached for it without checking the screen, assuming it was Joel seeing how close I was.

“Hello,” I answered.

“Where are you?” It wasn’t Joel’s voice, but Marilyn’s.

I blanked. She sounded so accusatory. What was she talking about? Did she have a spy camera on me or something?

“Yoga,” Marilyn said. “You never miss it.”

I dropped my head back against the headrest. “Oh my gosh, I forgot all about yoga!”

“Yeah, I know. Are you okay? Are you delirious or something?” “I’m fine. I’m actually… on my way to Joel’s.”

Marilyn laughed. “What?” I frowned.

I hadn’t told her about us reconnecting a few nights earlier, but that was because we’d both been busy. Marilyn had been to an alternative healing convention for her acupuncture business, and I’d been managing the renovations at the daycare—which were taking place while we remained in business.

“It’s just,” she said between giggles, “I knew this was a matter of time. You can’t stay away from him.”

She didn’t sound accusatory; she was just being matter-of-fact. “You must think I’m an idiot.”

“Have I ever once said that?” Her voice was kind. “No.” I sighed. “But maybe I think I’m an idiot.”

I parked in front of Joel’s house and sat there with the engine idling.

“You do whatever makes you happy,” Marilyn said. “I just have my doubts that Joel is what does it for you.”

“Well… maybe you’re right. I called him the other night, just to end things cleanly, you know?”

“And that’s not what happened at all.”

“Nope.” I looked out the window, at a woman in yoga pants walking a fluffy black dog. “I ended up coming over and meeting his brother. It was kind of weird.”

“Weird how?”

“His brother wanted to talk about their childhood, and Joel immediately shut him down.”

“Uh-oh. That’s not a good sign.”

“I know,” I said. “But then Joel actually talked some later, after Daniel had gone to bed.”

“Oh.”

“You sound genuinely surprised.”

“I am,” she said. “Maybe Joel has more going for him than I give him credit for.”

“I’d like you to meet him.” I flipped down the visor and checked my reflection. “I think you’d really like him. I know I make it all sound bad when

I talk, but if you just met him…”

“Are you trying to convince me, or yourself?”

I flipped the visor closed. “Why do you always have to ask me the hard questions?”

“Someone has to play devil’s advocate. Anyhoo, I’m gonna hope into class. Text me later, okay?”

“I will. I’m sorry about missing tonight.” “It’s okay. Talk soon.”

“Bye.” I hung up, and with perfect timing. Joel had come out onto his front porch.

Grabbing the takeout boxes from the passenger’s seat, I walked up the driveway. As a thank-you for having me over for dinner earlier in the week, I had offered to stop in with takeout.

I wasn’t much of a cook, but I did know where to find the best pho in Los Angeles.

“Hi,” I said.

“Hello,” Joel nearly purred.

I tried to stay composed and not melt into a puddle. Would this crush ever go away? I had hoped that each time I saw him it would lessen some, but so far the opposite seemed to be happening. Even after the long days where we hadn’t talked or seen each other.

“Come in.” He took the takeout boxes from me and opened the front door. “Thanks.”

Soft lighting filled the living room, and a few candles flickered on the coffee table. The scent of lavender filled the air, and I felt instantly relaxed.

“Thank you for bringing dinner over,” Joel said behind me. “You really didn’t have to.”

“I know, but I wanted to.” I followed him into the kitchen. “Where’s Daniel?”

“He’s at a session with his new therapist.” Joel started unboxing the pho. “Oh… So he’s staying here for a while, then?”

“Yeah.”

It was hard to tell exactly how he felt about that.

“Would you like to eat out back?” He asked. “By the pool?” “I didn’t even know you had a pool. Or a backyard.”

He lifted a shoulder. “It’s not very big, but it’s private and pretty quiet.”

We took the dinner outside, where a table and chairs sat on the patio. The patch of grass was small, but the hedges around the yard were high and the pool looked deliciously inviting.

“I like this.” I settled into one of the chairs. “It’s cozy.” “It’s my favorite part of the house.”

“You spend a lot of time out here?” I opened a container of broth, and the delicious smell of spices and fresh herbs wafted out.

Joel looked pained. “Not that much time, actually. I’m not home much.”

It occurred to me that I didn’t really know how Joel spent his time when he wasn’t working.

“So what do you do then?” I asked. “For fun?”

He grinned. “You mean, what did I do before hanging out with you?” “Sure. If that’s how you want to put it.”

He had to think about the answer. “Work out.” I made a face. “That’s fun?”

“I think so,” he laughed. “You don’t?”

“Sure, I like going to yoga, but I prefer a day at the beach.” “I also like… watching the stock market.”

I stared at him. “You’re kidding.” “I’m not.”

Indeed, he looked dead serious. “I like running,” he added. “Joel. That’s also working out!”

He rubbed his jaw, where there was a five-o’clock shadow. “I guess you could call it that.”

I laughed and tried to stop staring at his jaw. Something about the bit of stubble made me want to rub my face against his. More than usual, anyway.

“What about friends?” I asked.

He shrugged. I felt my jaw tighten. I was increasingly starting to feel that he had this whole secret life that I knew nothing about, and it was absolutely infuriating.

“You don’t have friends?” I asked. “Other than me?” “I have friends. A… few.”

“How do you know them?” “From work.”

I blinked slowly at him. Work friends weren’t the same as close friends. Best friends. The kind of people you could always call at three in the morning and, no matter what, they would be at your front door within the hour.

“Sometimes we get a drink,” Joel said. I raised my eyebrows.

“I have a soda,” he added.

I didn’t know what to say. It hurt to hear that he wasn’t really close to

anyone. From what I’d seen, his brother didn’t play a prominent role in his life.

“What?” Joel asked.

“Do you ever feel lonely?”

The question shocked him into silence. “Why would you ask me that?”

“Because…” I fiddled with a plastic fork. “It doesn’t sound like you have much support in your life.”

“Support for what, exactly?”

“For everything. Who do you call when you’re having a bad day?” “No one. I go for a run.”

I bit my lip.

“Not everyone likes to talk about their problems.” He busied himself with assembling a bowl full of veggies and rice noodles.

“I love doing it.”

“You and I are different in that way, then.”

I frowned at the pool. Of course I knew that everyone had their own way of processing events. But to never, ever talk about your problems? That couldn’t be healthy.

“Don’t feel sorry for me.”

I looked over at him. “I’m not.”

“Yes, you are. I can see it in your face, Katie.” He sighed. “Listen, not everyone…” He ruffled his hair.

“I just want you to know that I’m here for you.” “I appreciate that.” He didn’t look at me. “Really, Joel.”

“I know. Thank you.” Finally, he looked at me, but his eyes were guarded.

I hesitated, but the floodgates had been opened. “Is there anything you would like to talk about?”

His eyes flashed in alarm. “No.”

The mere fact that he seemed so upset by the word “talk” was a bad sign. Some people—like Marilyn—would have left right then and there.

But I wasn’t some people.

“Would you like to go to a Lakers game again?” he asked.

I pressed my lips together, frustrated. “You’re just going to change the topic like that?”

He gave me a look like he didn’t know what I was talking about—which, of course, was nonsense.

I crossed my arms. “Something is bothering you.”

“What makes you say that?” He lowered his gaze and sipped his broth.

“For one, you’re barely looking at me. Two, I don’t believe that Daniel showing up here isn’t bothering you.”

Joel put his bowl down, his eyebrows knit in anger. “You know, you really need to learn when to mind your own business.”

My jaw dropped. Had he really just said that to me?

I closed my mouth, my heart slamming against my chest. Maybe he was right… in his case, anyway.

If Joel didn’t want my help, then maybe I should stop offering it. I was running in circles, always expecting a different result. Wasn’t that the definition of insanity?

I swallowed hard, my throat painfully dry. “You’re right.”

He looked surprised, which made me angry. Did he expect me to just let him talk to me that way? I was kind and forgiving, but I wasn’t a doormat. I had a limit.

Standing, I gathered my purse. “I’m going to leave now. I hope everything works out for you, Joel. I really do.”

Tears smarted my eyes, but I didn’t try to hide them. I wasn’t ashamed of my feelings. Unlike some people.

Joel sighed and stood. “Katie…” “Yes?” I lifted my chin and waited.

He blew out a breath and raked his fingers down his face. The answer didn’t come.

Maybe he didn’t know what to say. Maybe he just wanted me to stay in order to distract himself from whatever drama or pain was happening in his life.

Well screw that. “Goodbye, Joel.”

I turned on my heel and strode toward the front door.