Chapter 13

J O E L

Sucking in a breath, I cursed myself.

What the hell is wrong with me?

One of the best people I’d ever known—maybe the best person I’d ever known—was walking out my front door, and I stood there like a dope, staring after her.

This had to earn me some sort of award. Idiot of The Year, for sure. “Katie,” I called.

She kept walking, her shoulders stiff.

I pressed my fist against my closed eyes. I needed to fix this, but I couldn’t even think straight. Why couldn’t I think straight?!

All I knew was I needed to go after her. Stop her. Keep her with me. After that I could figure out the next step.

Opening my eyes, I ran into the house. She’d nearly made it to the front door.

“Wait! Please!” Sprinting across the living room, I jumped between her and the door.

Her jaw flexed. “What?” “Please don’t go.”

She still stared daggers at me, but at least she didn’t move. She was giving me a chance.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I really am. Will you please… just come back and sit down?”

She crossed her arms. “And then what, Joel?”

I searched for an answer. There was the right thing to say, the answer that would appease her—temporarily, anyway. But if I wanted to make a difference long-term, I needed to be honest.

“I don’t know,” I admitted. “I don’t know, but I want to try. I’m sorry if I said the wrong things. I’m not… in the best place.”

She sighed. “Well at least you’re admitting that.”

I ran my hand through my hair. I’d gotten her to stay… for now, at least. Who knew if I could extend the moment.

“Will you please sit down?” I asked. “Have dinner with me?” She hesitated, but then nodded. “Sure.”

“Thank you.”

She walked back to the patio and I followed, feeling on edge the whole way.

The old me might have let her walk out the door. The old me might have convinced myself that I was better off without her.

But I must have been changing. That or Katie was more important to me than any other woman I’d ever encountered.

I wasn’t sure which possibility scared me more.

We took our seats on the patio, a new layer of tension in the air. She looked at me, waiting for me to start, and I don’t think I’d ever been more nervous in my life.

“Thank you for staying,” I said, my voice cracking at the end.

She smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes. “I’m your friend, Joel, and when I say that I don’t mean I’m your friend because we played mini golf together or share meals sometimes. I’m your friend because I’m here for you. Through thick and thin. That’s what true friendship is.”

I nodded. I knew that, even though I only had the vaguest of experiences with that kind of friendship.

Just like with women, I’d always kept a comfortable distance between myself and friends. I preferred to keep my life private.

“I know,” I said. “And thank you.”

Her eyes softened. “But I did overstep. If you don’t want to talk about things, then it isn’t my right to—”

“I do want to talk.”

She stared at me, but no one could have been more surprised than me. Had those words really come out of my mouth?

“Oh,” Katie said. “Okay.”

I licked my lips. There was no turning back now. But where did I even start?

“You said Daniel lost his job,” Katie said. “Do you want to talk about why?” I stared into my pho. It was getting cold, but I no longer had an appetite.

At least she’d asked me a question about Daniel, and not about myself. I could handle that.

“Probably the same stuff,” I said. “He’s struggled with depression. He’s on and off with the meds, I’m pretty sure. He hasn’t always been the best at taking them regularly.”

Her brow folded with concern. “They let him go because of depression?”

“I’m sure it was because he didn’t show up to work. It wouldn’t have been the first time that happened, him staying in bed for weeks.”

“That’s awful.”

I sighed. “Yeah.”

As much as I had once wanted to believe Daniel’s mental illness wasn’t real, that he just needed to buck up and pull himself together, I had come to the point where I had to admit he needed help. He didn’t want to be confined to bed any more than anyone else.

Not believing the seriousness of his affliction made me an asshole. I was well aware of that. I was just glad that I had finally admitted his struggle was real. He deserved for someone to acknowledge that.

Thinking about Daniel made me cringe. I hadn’t been the best brother. Sure, I was letting him crash at my place, but I hadn’t exactly welcomed him with open arms.

“Do you ever get depressed?” Katie asked.

I paused and thought about that, wanting to give her an honest answer. “No. I don’t. Do you?”

“Only a few times before, when I was going through rough things. Like when my mom died.” She twisted her hands. “But maybe that’s not depression. Maybe that’s normal grief.”

I nodded gently, looking off into the distance. “I didn’t feel anything when my dad died.”

“Nothing at all?”

I stared at the pool lights, the memory of receiving Daniel’s call coming back to me. “Relief.”

It took a long time for me to look back at her. I was that afraid of the judgment I would find there.

But instead of judgment, Katie only looked at me with sadness. “You must have had a pretty tough relationship with him.”

“Yeah.” I couldn’t hold her gaze for longer than a couple seconds. “I did. We, uh, I thought we were close when I was younger…” I guffawed.

“Looking back, I see that he was just trying to live vicariously through me. Always pushing me into more sports, more tutoring, more clubs. My grades could never be good enough. I could never be good enough. But it was all I knew. It was attention, at least. Meanwhile, Daniel got none of it.”

“I’m sorry.” She grimaced. “It’s fine.”

“What about when you became an adult? What was your relationship like then?”

I leaned back in my chair, folded my hands behind my bed. I could feel adrenaline rushing through me, felt on the urge of panicking. I was doing my best not to show it, though.

“I went to med school because of him. That was his biggest dream, for me to become a doctor. I guess to him that was the epitome of success. I thought things would change the day I graduated.”

“They didn’t?”

I felt my lips turn down. “No. He was the same grumpy man he’d always been. That’s when I started distancing myself from him. My mom had been dead for years anyway, and there wasn’t anything left for me in Covina. Daniel was out of school. He had his own life. When I got my first job I moved to LA and from there… we talked less and less. When he died, I hadn’t talked to him in months.”

Katie shook her head. “I can’t believe it. You’re so successful. Didn’t that mean anything to him?”

I shrugged. “Apparently not. I don’t think anything could make him happy.” She slumped against her chair. “That’s awful, Joel. I’m sorry.”

My chest tightened. “It’s fine.”

Her features twisted. “It’s not fine… Did you even want to be a surgeon?” I bristled. What kind of a question was this? “I like my job.”

“Do you? Because based on some of the things you’ve said, it doesn’t seem like you do. It seems like there would be other jobs you’d like a lot more.”

I shook my head. “You can’t just throw away years of medical school.” “That’s… beside the point I was making.”

I leaned forward. “And I’m making a point that you seem oblivious to.”

Her lips pursed, and her face turned red. I felt bad for making her angry, but I also didn’t want to take back what I’d said. Things weren’t as simple as she liked to make them seem.

“I’m good at what I do,” I said. “I help people. That matters.” “Of course it matters, but your happiness also matters.”

I opened my mouth, ready to volley back an argument… but found I had no response.

“Or do you not think that?” Katie asked. “Of course I know that.”

She looked at me with pity in her eyes. It was almost too much to take.

“Look, Katie…” I shook my head. “I like my job. I’m not going to switch careers. Just because my father wanted it for me, doesn’t make it evil.”

Deep down, a pain started. The kind of pain that told me I was lying.

I pushed the sensation away and picked up my fork. “Want me to heat up your pho?”

She tested it. “No. It’s actually still pretty warm.”

We ate in silence for a few minutes, a discomfort in the air. Part of me wanted her to leave so that I could just be alone.

But the other part of me—the bigger part—needed her here. Close to me.

She gave a damn about me, which was new. Most people only wanted to be around me for my success and my connections. Then again, it wasn’t as if I spent much time fostering relationships, so maybe that was partly my fault.

After a while, Katie put down her fork. “Have you ever thought about therapy?”

My insides went cold. “You think I need that?”

“Well, Daniel is in it.” She said it like the answer was so obvious. “Daniel doesn’t have a job.”

“Just because someone has a job doesn’t mean that they’re doing well in life. They could still be struggling.”

I put my fork down. “You didn’t even answer my question. Do you think I need it?”

She stared at me. “Why do I get the sense you’re waiting for me to say the wrong thing so that you can bite my head off?”

I pressed my lips together. Hard. She had called me out, and I wanted to hate her for it.

But of course I didn’t hate her. This was Katie, a bright ray of sunshine in my often dismal life.

Still, she wasn’t right about everything. “I don’t need therapy,” I said.

“Lots of people go. It’s helpful for everyone.” “Have you ever been?”

She hesitated. “Well… no, I haven’t. But—”’ “Then how would you know?”

She pursed her lips. “It’s not as if it could hurt you, Joel. It could only help.” “Whatever problem it is you think I have, I don’t have it.”

She huffed. “Really? You mean to tell me you’re not afraid of getting close to anyone?”

The question was a punch to the gut. I swallowed hard, looking for the words to answer. When I finally spoke, I kept my voice controlled and measured. Somehow.

“Not everyone is cut out for a relationship. I told you when we met that wasn’t me.”

“It’s not just romantic relationships I’m talking about. You don’t have any close friends. You spend so much time alone.”

“I like it.”

“Do you?” Pure sympathy spread across her face, and I couldn’t stand it for a second longer.

I’d made a mistake getting so honest with her, telling her so much about my life. I’d done it in order to make her stay, but it hadn’t been worth it.

“Listen,” I said. “You’re not my therapist and you’re not my girlfriend. I don’t need to be saved by you.”

Her face turned red. “Well then that’s perfect, because I would hate to be either one of those things to you. Talk about a headache.”

She stood and grabbed her purse. My pulse racing, I stood as well.

“Newsflash, Joel. I never asked to be your girlfriend. I heard you loud and clear when you told me what you wanted. The only mistake I made was thinking that we could be friends.”

She spun away from me, but I grabbed her wrist. “Katie.” “What?” She turned back around, eyes flashing.

Next thing I knew, my lips were on hers and my hands were in her hair. Realizing what I was doing, I stopped and took a step back.

Katie’s eyes widened.

I opened my mouth, about to tell her I was sorry, but suddenly she threw herself against my chest. It was as if a switch turned on in my brain. In one instant, everything changed. I only wanted her; nothing else.

My hands slipped over her shoulders and down her back. Pulling her hard against myself, I used my tongue to urge her lips open.

A little sound of pleasure escaped her throat, and I groaned. Just like that, I was a goner.