Chapter 37

Hapong-hapo na pumasok siya sa silid para sana magpahinga pero naagaw ng frame ng pinsan niya ang atensiyon niya. Kaysa mahiga ay kinuha niya ang litrato nito at kinausap.

"It's so chaotic in here, Cas. Lang is safe but kuya is not. Nawawala na naman siya. Hindi pa nga kami nagkikita ng ilang buwan tapos mawawala na naman siya ulit." She looked up to gasp for air. "Is it my fault? Is it the fate's way of telling me how wrong I am for insisting to follow what my heart wants?" Her tears began falling again as she hug the frame. "My brother is maybe dying somewhere and I can't even do something for him. I can only hope and pray for him. That's all I can do for him."

Biglang bumukas ang pinto at pumasok si Langdon na nahuli siyang hawak ang picture frame ni Casindra. Inisang-hakbang nito ang pagitan nila at hinablot ang frame mula sa kaniya.

"What are you doing?" His bitter voice thundered through the room. "Why do you have her picture?"

"I—I'm..." Nag-apuhap siya ng sasabihin habang pinupunasan ang mukha. "I was just talking to her."

"About what?" he asked angrily.

"A-About consolation." Nagbaba siya ng tingin. "Gusto ko lang siyang kausapin."

"And why would you do that? Did I tell you to do so? Did I? Did I tell you to do that, Cin? Did I?! Did I, Cin?!"

"No," she whispered not knowing how to meet Langdon's red eyes.

"You can't talk to her, Cin. Not when I'm still a failure. I failed again to capture her murderers. You can't tell her that because I don't want to be embarrassed in front of her!"

Tumalikod ito para lumabas na yakap ang frame.

"Lang," she called him out softly.

"Stop calling me with that name!" he shouted when he turned to her in a flash of light. "She has been calling me with that name ever since. Siya lang dapat ang may karapatan akong tawagin sa ganiyang pangalan. Hindi mo ba alam na palaging siya na lang ang nakikita ko sa tuwing tinatawag mo ako sa pangalang iyan? Even when we kissed, I tasted her lips in you. Every time you call me Lang, I always saw her in you. When we have sex, it's her I'm thinking. Not you. You remind me of her and it's okay with you." He laughed mockingly. "Don't you have any self-respect? Wala ka man lang bang buto sa katawan mo, Cin? Bakit ba ang hilig mong ipagpilitan ang sarili sa akin? How many times do I have to tell you that?"

Natigil ang pagtulo ng mga luha niya. Parang natuyo na lang bigla ang mata niya kasabay ng paglalagay niya uli ng filter sa tenga. She'll pretend she'd never heard that.

"Can't you really love me for real, Langdon? P-Pwede bang ako na lang ang mahalin mo? Can you please give me a piece of your heart? Hindi ko na hihingin ang buong puso mo kasi alam kong hinding-hindi ko siya mapapalitan diyan. She's the love of your life. I know she will always occupy the biggest part of your heart. But... Lang," she smiled at him with her eyes begging for his love, "can you love me for now? Sa kaniya na ang nakaraan pati na ang kinabukasan mo. Ang hinihingi ko lang ay ang ngayon, pwede bang kahit isang araw lang ay maranasan ko na mahalin mo rin ako? For one day, can you not think of her as me? Just think of me as your Cin, not your Cas." Pumiyok siya pagkasabi sa huling salita kaya tumikhim siya para pawiin ang bara.

But Langdon is cruel. He looked at her with so much pity rather than love

"Begging is only for lowly and insecure woman, Cin. Paulit-ulit ko nang sinasabi sa iyo, pinapaintindi na hindi ka ganitong klase ng babae. You are so precious, so pure, so you should love someone else who can give you the same love you can give. Hindi ako iyon, Cin. I will never be that man for you."

Tumango siya at nagpakawala ng bahaw na tawa. "Oo, ako na ang lowly at insecure sa paningin mo. Ako na ang pinakakawawang babae sa mundo dahil nagmamakaawa ako na mahalin mo rin ako. But Lang, I don't care about what others may say. Buong buhay ko ay hindi ko naranasan na sundin ang gusto ko at kung ano ang nilalaman ng puso ko. I'm a yes daughter and sister all my life. Just this once did I try to be so honest and bold for what I really want. Sa iyo lang ako nagkaganito. Sa iyo lang." Inabot niya ang mukha nito at hinaplos. "Bakit ba kasi ganito ako? Tanga. Bakit hindi ko magawang umiwas sa iyo, hindi ko magawang maipaintindi sa puso ko na walang pag-asa na mahalin mo rin ako."

Tinabig nito ang kamay niya palayo at marahas na huminga.

"You trapped yourself in the illusion of me as the man for you. Hindi ko na responsibilidad ang nararamdaman mo. Grow up, Alcindra. Stop trying to imitate, Cas. You're not her. You will never be her. I will never ever love you."

Para siyang dinurog sa narinig. Mas masakit pa sa sampal at dura ni Yvonne ang mga sinabi nito. Nagbaba siya ng tingin at hinubad ang salamin para hindi niya masyadong makita si Langdon.

"Kahit sinabi kong kontento na ako sa kung ano ang meron tayo kung meron man, still, it didn't stop me from hoping that you'll give me just a quarter of what you have for her. Kahit kapiraso lang. Kahit isang gramo lang ng pagmamahal na kaya mong ibigay sa kaniya. But... When I saw you that one night in your car crying for her burnt picture, I told myself to never ask for it anymore. When I watch you long for her every time you look out the window, I knew then that I can't make you look at me in the same way. Watching how you crumble in front of her picture, I know it's really impossible for you to love me. But still.... still, I can't kill this hope inside me. It yearns for you. It wants you so bad, Langdon."

Nginitian niya ito ng buong puso. "Kasi kahit paulit-ulit mo akong saktan, tanggihan, mamahalin pa rin kita. Even though I know you won't love me, you can't love me, I don't care. Masaya na akong makita ka sa malayo noon kaya nang makasama kita, nasabi ko sa sarili ko na sino ba ako para maghangad pa ng mas higit pa rito. I'm blessed to have a chance to be by your side, to talk to you, to touch you, to smile at you and to be smiled at back." Ibinalik niya ang salamin at nakahinga nang maluwag nang makita na wala na ang galit sa mukha nito. Tanging awa na lang ang natira. "And I'm so thankful for all of that. I'm more than thankful. I... I'm sorry for begging for your love. Promise, hindi ko na iyon gagawin pa." Hinawakan niya ang braso nito. "I won't do it again. I promise. Sa labas lang ako, ha. Just call me if you need anything."

Mabilis siyang lumabas ng pinto at tumakbo papunta sa garden at doon inilabas lahat ng mga naipong luha. Ganito pala talaga kasakit. Parang pipilasin ang buong pagkatao niya sa sakit.

Naramdaman na naman niya ang pangangasim ng lasa at ang pagbaligtad ng sikmura. Hindi na siya nakaabot sa loob ng bahay kaya lumuhod na lang siya sa damuhan at doon nagsuka. Puro laway lang at tubig ang inilabas niya dahil wala naman siyang kinain sa hapunan.

Nanghihinang napahiga siya at ipinikit ang mga mata. She covered her face with her hands and poured out everything letting only the stars and the moon witness her pain.

Madaling-araw na siya pumasok sa loob. Si Langdon ay nakaratay sa sahig, lasing, at yakap pa rin ang frame ni Cas sa dibdib.

Kumuha siya ng unan at kinumutan ito. Ginamot niya rin ang mga sugat nito pagkatapos ay ginugol ang nalalabing oras bago sumikat ang araw sa pagtitig dito.

"My brother is lost and in danger but here I am tending the wounds of the one who caused him that," she thought.

She touched the tip of his nose and smiled when he scrunched. Hinuli nito ang mga kamay niya at bumulong.

"Please don't leave me. Stay here with me. Please." He jerked in his sleep and panted for breath.

Hinawakan niya nang mahigpit ang mga kamay nito. "Calm down, Lang. I'm here. I'm here with you."

"Cas... Cas."

"Y-Yes, I'm here. I'm here with you," kagat-labi niyang sagot na nakapagpakalma rito.

She spent the rest of the dawn by his side holding his hand and crying the whole time he would call Cas.