Chapter 21: Depths of Grief and Mate Bonds

I stilled, his presence in my mind forcing me to freeze in place. It felt almost like being kissed from within, like his fingers were tracing the most intimate, hidden parts of me.

But those parts were a lie. Those parts were a camouflage that he wasn't supposed to find.

I closed my eyes and turned away, breaking his immersion and my trance. I felt his presence fade away from my mind, and my wolf immediately growled, needing more of its mate.

"You should eat," he said after a minute, gesturing down to the food. "If you faint again, who knows where you will end up?"

I nodded slowly. "How about we share?"

He met my eyes. "You are sitting all the way there."

I slowly stood up, then covered the distance to the bed. He didn't move from where he was, and I sat on the other edge of the bed, my eyes falling to the tray between us.

"These seem... curated."

He didn't say a word as he adjusted. "Maybe."

I took the empty plate, then picked a piece of everything, then handed it to him.

He hesitated for a second before accepting the plate. His fingers gently grazed mine, his touch warm, slow, almost addictive.

I raised my eyes to meet his, and he was watching me too, the plate suspended between us.

I immediately moved my hand, and he held the plate before lowering it to the bed in front of him.

I didn't realize how hungry I was till I started to eat, and I could barely stop. My eyes flickered to him once, and he was watching me keenly between slow bites.

Once I was done, I leaned back, a satisfied laugh leaving my lips.

"That was good," I said, tapping my stomach, something that Valerian and I did as this weird symbol of satisfaction.

I saw his eyes flicker between my eyes and my hand, and he gave a small nod.

"Valerian used to do that, too."

I immediately sat up, my heart hammering in my chest. "Well, it's... a universal gesture, isn't it?"

He simply shrugged, moving the plates away from between us. I couldn't bring myself to leave the bed once again, and I simply turned, both of us watching the locked door in front of us.

"What do you think he would be doing if he was still alive?" I asked suddenly, turning to Eros.

"Probably talking my ear off about his sister," he said, then broke into a laugh. His eyes met mine. "You know, Kian, if you weren't a boy..."

His voice trailed off as his eyes darted between both of mine.

As if catching himself, he turned away, shaking his head. "Nothing."

"Would I be a more worthy mate?"

Neither of us had spoken about the searing mate bond between us, and I could hear the breath he sucked in, as if the word somehow cut him open.

"Not quite," he said to my surprise.

I raised a brow. "I can't seem to understand you. You like the difference between Valerian and I, yet hate it. You hate that your mate is a boy, yet a girl won't fit. What do you want?"

He shrugged, his lips slightly pursed. "Maybe I don't know too."

"I won't judge," I said, leaning closer. "What is it really, Eros?"

He turned again, his eyes holding mine. I could see the internal turmoil, the way his lips parted, but no words came out of them, the way his seemed to plead for someone to search his soul instead.

"I..."

I nodded. I didn't push, I just waited, hoping he would see it. I hoped he would unravel on his own.

"Something doesn't feel right," he said slowly, and his body leaned a little closer to me, his eyes a dark, deep abyss that threatened to pull me in and never let me go.

"I know who my mate is. It is a girl, Kian. I saw her. I know her. I feel like she was standing in front of me, I would know all of her. I would want all of her. "

I bit down on my lips, my chest heaving. "You... you have seen your mate?"

He swallowed hard, and fuck, I prayed he wouldn't stop now.

"I have," he said, his eyes blinking rapidly. "Multiple times. In my dreams, Kian. Two years. I heard her voice. I drew her. When Valerian spoke about her, it felt like I knew her. When he died, it felt like I had lost her too. I saw her when he was buried. I smelled her. I watched as she cried that night. You... you confuse me. You look so much like her, like them."

He suddenly covered the distance to me, his hands trembling as he cupped my face, his eyes darting across both of mine.

"You feel like my punishment. You are all the right things in the wrong body. You are everything that I want in a person that I shouldn't. I loathe you. Yet I stayed up all that night after that kiss."

"Eros," I whispered, my eyes filling with tears.

He knew me. He knew Skylar. He has seen me. I wasn't the only one having those dreams. He was too.

Now, it all somehow made sense. The fact that he saw me like an intrusion because I didn't come in the way he knew I should have.

My heart broke. For him. For us. Because in a way, he was right. When Valerian died, his sister, me, Skylar... I died with him.

"Kian," he said, leaning further, his chest heaving, his breath caressing my skin. "Do you understand?"

I nodded, my fingers moving up to hold his hand, my eyes filling with broken tears.

I hated this. I hated everything.

His forehead rested on mine, and I closed my eyes, tears running down my cheeks.

"Stop," he said, his voice low. "It reminds me of that night."

I remembered that night, alone in my bed, the candles light flickering in the distance, as the emptiness hit me.

It was a different sort of emptiness. This time, Valerian wasn't away in school. He was dead. Forever.

Before I could let myself think, I leaned in closer, covering the distance between us.

My lips faltered when I tasted the slight saltiness in his, and I started to lean away.

Before I could break away, he pulled me back into him, his lips crashing down on mine, his hand gently wrapping around my neck.

His kiss was slow, sensual, needy, his hands tracing my skin, like he was trying to memorize it. Like he was trying to memorize me.

And like a fool, I kissed him back. I sighed his name. My body needed his, and a piece of my heart felt like it was being held together.

My body slowly hit the bed, and his body hovered above mine.

He broke the kiss for a second, his eyes holding mine in a brief, electrifying gaze before he took my lips again.

My nails dug into his back, then raked through his hair, and for a minute, it felt like I could own him.

But then, it came back.

Valerian's death. The necklace. The fake suicide letter. The fact that he had been Eros's only roommate and no one had access to Eros's room except him.

It all clicked, and before I knew it, I pushed him off me.

I sat up, turning to him, my eyes wide, my breath broken and shattered.

"Kian," he said.

His eyes were wide, confused, his hair carrying a bit of roughness from where my fingers had been.

I heard a faint knock from afar, and I blinked as I stood up, putting distance between us.

"That... was a mistake."

His brows furrowed, and I saw a pang of hurt pass through his eyes. "What?"

"I..." I bit down on my lips. What would I say? What would I use?

I heard footsteps walk in, and a knock came on the door.

Knox? Wait. Knox.

"I like Knox!" I blurted, just as the door opened, and Karl Carpenter stood outside the door.