Chapter 60: When Restraint Breaks

He kissed me until it hurt.

There was already that strange gap between us, so I could predict clearly where this would go.

I pulled myself free from under his lips with difficulty, slightly breathless. "Aren't you leaving?"

"Do you want me to leave?" Caspian asked.

I didn't think twice before kissing him again, answering with action instead of words.

The kiss stumbled from the entrance all the way to the bedroom, clumsy and desperate, and neither of us was willing to let go first.

I thought it would be the same as the two times before. After all, I wasn't prepared here either, and he'd always held back before, always stopped at some invisible line he'd drawn for himself.

Turns out I was completely wrong.

"Caspian..."

In the darkness, I couldn't see him, but I could feel everything, every touch and breath and the weight of him pressing me down into the mattress. I didn't even have time to react before it was already too late.

Why was it different from that day? Why could he hold himself back then, but now he was like someone else entirely, like whatever control he'd had just snapped?

Something felt wrong. He didn't seem like the same person at all, like several people had taken turns instead of just him. I even started wondering if I'd somehow slipped into some parallel universe because how could one person's body possibly store this much energy?

It seemed endless, one round after another without stopping, and I kept calling his name over and over, but never got any response.

He was like some beast that had been dormant in the darkness, finally waking up to peel away my skin and bones bit by bit and swallow me whole. And I could only lie there watching myself lose everything, body and soul, again and again, until I wasn't sure who I was anymore or if he was still himself.

When it finally ended, tears were streaming down my face, and I hadn't even realized I was crying.

Caspian held my face, and I knew he felt the wetness there. He stopped and slowly released me a little, and for a second, I thought maybe it was over.

But then I heard his voice, hoarse and strange and full of something dangerous. "Crying won't help."

I didn't even know I'd been crying until I tasted salt in my mouth, passed to me through his lips and tongue when he kissed me. It reminded me of Moonrise Terrace, in his bathroom in the darkness, when I'd also tasted myself in his mouth and felt like I was falling apart.

My body trembled, but I held him tighter anyway because I felt like I was drowning, desperately trying to grab onto something between the tides, and he was the only thing I could catch. Except he was also the one pulling me under, diving deeper and deeper into the abyss until I couldn't breathe and there was no way to escape.

All night, Grayson sat in the car on the side of the road waiting.

He didn't know when he fell asleep, but when he awoke, the sky was already showing that pale pre-dawn light. He looked at the time on the center console in shock, it was already past five in the morning. Since Caspian had seen the delivery driver and changed his mind to go back up a second time, Grayson knew he wouldn't come down quickly. But this was way too long. He straightened his seat and was about to call when he looked up and saw Caspian finally walking out of the house.

Grayson couldn't help frowning, the plan had been to just check on Vera's situation, but somehow that turned into the entire night. How could this possibly continue?

\---

I woke up to my phone ringing over and over again, drilling into my skull.

I reached for the bedside table like I always did, but the second I moved, pain shot through my entire body and woke up my brain at the same time. I came fully awake, aching everywhere, lying alone in my bed.

The sheets had been changed. The floor was clean. Even the clothes I'd thrown off last night were folded neatly on the chair, as nothing had happened at all.

But the memories in my body and the marks covering my skin told a completely different story.

The phone kept ringing, and I reached out with difficulty to answer. "Hello?"

My own voice shocked me. Was that hoarse, wrecked sound really coming from my throat?

Lucas sounded equally shocked on the other end. "Vera?"

"It's me."

"What's wrong with you? Why do you sound like that? Are you sick?"

I held the phone and looked down at myself, at all the evidence scattered across my skin. No wonder he'd held back so many times before. Some desires, once you finally let them loose, spiral completely out of control. That loss of control compared to his usual restraint was like looking at two entirely different people.

"Vera?" Lucas called again.

"I'm listening."

"A lot of people have been coming to the company today, one after another. They're all asking for cooperation." He paused. "Are you sure you don't want to come back and take a look?"

That snapped me back to reality fast.

I dragged myself up and took a scalding hot shower, trying to wash away the ache and the memories, then pulled myself together enough to head out. The car rolled out of the community, and I was about to turn onto the main road when I suddenly hit the brakes and pulled over to the side instead.

I flipped down the visor, put on my mask, then got out and walked into the pharmacy next door.

"A box of morning pills," I said to the clerk.

She placed it on the counter without expression, and I paid and left. Back in the car, I opened a bottle of water, tilted my head back, and swallowed the pill, then chased it with several big gulps before finally pulling back onto the road.

When I got to the company, one of those investment bank managers who'd rejected me before was just leaving. The second he saw me, he stepped forward eagerly, trying to get my attention.

I didn't bother with pleasantries. When he said he'd left a cooperation proposal, I just told him I'd read it and kept walking.

By the time I reached the office, Lucas's desk had accumulated four or five of those things already. It was absurd. I gathered them all up, carried them to the shredder, and fed them in one by one with my own hands.

Lucas watched me destroy them and asked, "Are you sure you won't tell me what happened?"

"It's not that I won't tell you. I just can't." I kept feeding paper into the machine. "It's another one of Damien's methods for humiliating people. That's all you need to know."

After dealing with all of it, I turned around and drove straight back to Jade Bay.

I took another quick shower and then just collapsed into bed, falling into sleep so deeply it felt like losing consciousness completely. I had no idea what was happening in the outside world, no awareness of time passing, until I felt someone pinching my face hard enough to pull me back.

I opened my eyes slowly to find the room still dim, and someone sitting on the edge of my bed.

My mind was foggy and confused until I realized this was my own home, my own bedroom, and then awareness hit me like ice water. I was about to make some sound when a large hand covered my lips gently.

The familiar cedar scent washed over me, cold and heavy and somehow grounding. It was a scent that could calm my racing heart, but I was so startled that even after I realized it was him sitting there, my pulse was still hammering wildly against my ribs.

Once I came fully back to myself, I sat up and wrapped my arms around his waist, burying myself in his embrace again.