chapter 32

Tossing around in my bed, I pressed my palms into my eyes and tried to stop thinking. If I could just shut my brain off, maybe I’d be okay. It didn’t feel that way. It felt like I’d never be okay.

Cursing, I sat up and gripped the blanket in my fingers. It wasn’t fair. I’d spent so much time fighting what was happening that I hadn’t experienced enough. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry more. I wanted to find Macy and have her hold me while I cried like all the times before when I’d gone to her sad about one thing or another. I wanted to wake up and not have feelings for three men who were completely off-limits.

Whore. Slut. Milo’s words settled into my brain and I grabbed at my hair, frustrated. Twisting into my brain, those words threatened the beauty that was being with the three men at the same time. It started to look like something dirty, something wrong. Even as I sat there, multiple places on my body sore from being used and pleasured, the edges of the picture started to dinge.

I hid in my room that night, too afraid to chance facing the triplets after walking away from them. There was also the fear that Milo had told everyone. Macy would hate me. Everyone would hate me. It would ruin Macy’s wedding. She’d never forgive me. I didn’t want to lose my best friend. She’d been there for me since we were in kindergarten. She was my platonic soulmate.

I sat with the pain of knowing that if Macy never spoke to me again, it was all my fault. I’d let myself put her feelings aside for my own selfish desires. I’d willingly and knowingly walked into her brothers’ rooms and done things that would scandalize even some porn stars. It wasn’t a fun thing to sit with, but I couldn’t think of anything other than the guys, and that didn’t feel any better.

The next day I didn’t leave my room. I ignored the texts and calls. I ate the leftovers in my minifridge and spent most of the day curled up in bed, crying. Knocks rang out on my door, but I couldn’t face anyone.

The day after, I couldn’t keep it up. The rehearsal was in the afternoon, followed by a big dinner with everyone. Then, after that, there was a joint bachelor and bachelorette party. If Macy didn’t hate me, I had to be there for her. Her wedding was the day after, and she deserved her best friend to show up for her. If she didn’t hate me.

I got ready for the rehearsal, a headache nagging at me, and forced myself to not show up in all black, no matter how I felt. I had so much guilt as I walked into the ballroom. Guilt that I’d vanished on everyone. Guilt that I’d been a bad friend. Guilt that I’d slept with all three of Macy’s brothers during her wedding. And guilt that I’d maybe hurt Andrew, Lucas, and Warren’s feelings. I knew they’d called. They’d texted. They’d knocked on my door and called out to me. They tried to reach me and I’d ignored them.

I expected someone to shout that the slut had arrived and to have people start pelting me with old tomatoes. I expected Macy to look me in the eye and tell me she hated me. I took a deep breath and walked farther into the room, attempting to join the wedding party.

My hopes at blending in died a fast death as a gasp filled the giant ballroom and a loud voice rang out, calling everyone’s attention to me.

******************

“JesusChrist,shelives!” Macy rushed over to me and grabbed me in a hug. “Are you okay? You disappeared on us.”

I could see the triplets watching me, taking me in, and I knew I was lacking. I felt terrible and I knew I looked it. I was just so grateful to have Macy hugging me, though. I held her tight and fought back tears.

She knew something was wrong as she pulled back and looked me over. “Oh, babe. What’s wrong?”

Tears instantly formed and slid down my cheeks. I brushed them away and groaned. “You know that’s the worst question to ask when I’m trying not to cry. Nothing’s wrong. I’m just…I’m so excited for you.”

“You’re also the world’s worst liar.” She wrapped her arm around my shoulders and led me away from the crowd. “Is it Milo? Did he do something?”

I shook my head and fanned my face. “No, no. Really. This is just hormones, or something. I think I’m coming down with something and I’m just falling apart over it, apparently. Nothing for you to worry about, though, okay? Promise me that you’re not going to spend the night obsessing over me and why I’m a wreck.”

She shook her head. “Something’s wrong. I know you, Sara.”

“Please. Just…let’s enjoy your wedding. I want this to be all about you and your marriage. You deserve this.”

Her frown was intense, but eventually, her face softened and she sighed. “Fine. I’m not going to push you right now, but you’re going to talk to me when this is all over.”

I nodded, hoping she’d still want to talk to me by then. “Go on. Your dad looks lost just standing back there by himself.”

She groaned. “Don’t get me started. He has one job and it’s literally just to walk, and he’s acting like he needs codes to a bomb.”

I forced a smile as she hurried over to her dad. I just had to get through the rehearsal and then the party and then the wedding. I could do it. Even as I thought it, I was deflating.

“We need to talk.” Andrew’s stern voice was back, his grip on my arm unrelenting.

I kept my eyes down. Those were the same words I’d used with Milo. Maybe they wanted to end things with me. Maybe they agreed with Milo after hearing him say those words. “Now isn’t a good time.”

“The hell it’s not. You haven’t come out of your fucking room in almost two days and you look like you’ve been crying. Now is the best time.”

I was saved by Macy’s wedding planner strolling through the ballroom with a megaphone. I winced as she shouted through it, but I could’ve kissed her for giving me an out from talking to Andrew. I pulled away from him and moved towards the line of bridesmaids that had quickly formed under the rage of a bullhorn.

The walkthrough was fast and almost painless. Everyone was paying attention to the planner and her barked instructions, so I was able to fade into the background. I walked when I was told to and stood where I was told to. It was a thoughtless task that I gave myself over to.

The rehearsal dinner was a different story. Macy insisted I sit at the head table with her family. That meant I was seated at a table with all three of the men I’d been sleeping with, their parents, my best friend and her almost husband, and his family. The five-course meal we were having was being served by a waitstaff that seemed to have some major zen going on. They took their time and did everything perfectly before even dropping off our salad course.

I cringed in my seat, caught right between Macy and Jason’s mom, Sophia. The two families spoke and caught up, but they were relatively close, so eventually, the intrigue turned to the only outsider, me.

Sophia and Dane, Jason’s dad, took interest in me first. Dane spoke over the rim of his whiskey, his eyes crinkling in the corners just like Jason’s. “So, Sara, what do you do?”

I shifted in my seat and dabbed at my lips with my napkin. “I’m a baker.”

Sophia smiled. “Do you own your own business?”

Oof. “No. I work for A Sweet, Shore Thing.”