Chapter 4

Thanks to March in Northern California, I had to pull a sweater on in the morning. A baggy one, that fell most of the way down to my knees. It went with the ripped up and stained jeans, so obviously I would stop traffic in the halls. Men would fall at my feet, begging me to allow them to fertilize my eggs, so that we may create the perfect human. That was the goal.

My parents didn’t say anything to me as I took a bottle of water from the kitchen. They didn’t even look at me, and the kids ran in before I could talk. I gave up before trying and headed out for school.

Cold wind nipped at my skin as I walked outside, missing the warmth of Peter’s car. He got us to school quick too, so I could sleep in an extra half hour. Not that I needed more sleep, since it was most of what I did to pass the time.

When I got to school, I had far too much time on my hands. I walked slowly through the halls, shuffling along as everyone around me got on with their lives. A handful of people chatted about a party coming up on Friday. One of the rich kids liked to throw one every couple months and invited anybody who wanted to come. It wasn’t my or Peter’s thing, so we never went. It sounded like a miserable time, being pushed and shoved by strangers.

The lacrosse team bolted through the halls, all in uniform, and louder than they needed to be. I moved out of the way so that I wouldn’t get trampled, and I looked down before my eyes could have found Peter. The last thing my morning needed was to see him.

I opened my locker, and started shoving my books into my backpack, biggest to smallest. My notebooks went in front, and then my pencil bag in front of that. Everything felt better when my life was organized, so I took the extra time to do it.

When I dared to look up, I saw Peter at his locker too. He stood all alone, staring at the inside of the door. I’d seen that look in his eyes before, and it worried me. Peter lost himself sometimes, everything coming to a pause in his head. That happened when he had a problem at home. Like when his father started acting up, or he stressed about something. He used to come find me in situations like that, and I would do my best to make him feel better. It never worked as well as I wanted it to, but he said he appreciated the effort.

Something was wrong, and Peter had no one to talk to. I couldn’t let him suffer alone, no matter how much he hurt me.

Slowly, I started walking over to his locker. My heart raced, and my knees shook in protest. I never used to be this afraid to go and talk to my best friend. Though I felt utter terror going to him, I still did it.

“Peter,” I said, my voice sounding small. He didn’t react to me, so I said his name again.

The boy blinked, and then looked at me. He smiled. “Clove, long time no see.”

I held back a wince at the nickname. “Um, are you doing okay? You look a little upset.”

He shrugged. “I mean, Dad’s being a dick, and Mom’s ignoring it like usual. Kind of stressful.”

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

I expected him to say no, but instead, he told me. “Dad’s getting on me about picking a college. I have like six options.”

“I remember.” I was in his house when he got the letter to the school he wanted to go to, and he’d been so happy. We’d started making plans for if he got to go there. We wanted to get a little apartment to stay in while he went to school, and I worked. I didn’t get accepted into any colleges near his favorite.

Peter rubbed his eyes, and he sounded so tired. “If I don’t pick where my dad wants me to go, he’s going to make my life a living hell.”

“He won’t help you pay for it?”

“Oh, he will, but he’ll spend the rest of his life taking jabs and telling me that I screwed up.”

Peter’s dad enjoyed throwing every failure or ‘wrong choice’ in his face. I’d been there for too many fights, and then breakdowns. Peter put too much effort into trying to please a man that would never be satisfied. I told him time and time again that he needed to let go, but the boy wouldn’t budge.

“Go where you want to go,” I said, having to stop myself from calling him a pet name. It had become habit at one point, and it took insane effort not to slip up now. “He’ll be a bastard either way.”

“I know. It’s still tough.”

I wished I knew what to say to make this better, but being human wasn’t my forte. Peter knew that and said that my being there was enough. “I’m sorry he’s being this way.”

He sighed again. “It’s fine. Thanks for checking on me. You’ve really been the only one who’s ever done that.”

I smiled. “No problem. I want you to be okay.”

When he smiled back, it hurt. Why did this feel like it always had, when everything had changed so completely? It wasn’t fair. Something should have been a constant reminder that we weren’t friends anymore, and that love between us had shifted into something worthless.

“I want you to be okay too,” Peter said before trying to kill me. “I love you, Clove. It kills me to think I hurt you.”

If you love me, why did you leave me when you promised you never would? Happier without you. Happier without you. The pulse came back, and I remembered that conversation. I remember how he’d cried, and said he was sorry he hurt me. He thought this was better for the both of us, but I didn’t see how it would help me. I had no one else and wanted nothing else. He would say that too, but he’d lied to me. Made a hundred promises that he didn’t keep. I remembered each and every one of them. Every kiss, and every I love you. Every time he said he could only hold it together because I was there.

“Have you been getting out much?” Peter asked. “It’s so weird not talking to you. I’ve reached for my phone so many times before remembering that I’m supposed to leave you alone.”

I stared at the ground. “Yeah, I know the feeling.”

“I want to be friends with you. You’re my best friend, and it would feel weird without you in my life.”

My head snapped up, and I had to keep my mouth closed when I wanted to yell at him. He told me that he felt happier when I wasn’t around, so what did that mean if he wanted to be my friend? I could have asked him, but I didn’t want to hear the bullshit he would have told me. Every story changed with him, when it needed to.

“I don’t know about that,” I said. “We dated for a long time. I think it would be weird.”

“It wouldn’t,” Peter responded. “We know each other better than anyone does. We’d be great friends.”

He sounded insane to me, so I had to be honest. “I think it would be agony for me to have to watch you move on, Peter. Don’t you get that? I’m supposed to be your friend, and watch you as you slowly stop being in love with me? Or worse, as you start falling in love with someone else?”

He paled. “You’re gonna find someone else too. There’s some guy or girl that’s going to be so lucky to have you.”

That could have been you! I wanted to scream. But I didn’t. “I don’t think so. I’m a little hard to deal with.” And I had nothing to offer.

“You’re amazing,” he told me. “Of course someone is going to love you.”

Why would he have told me all the things he said while breaking up, and then try to convince me someone would want to snatch me right up? Did he even hear himself? He knew I’d only ever seen myself with him, and that I had looked forward to the future we’d wanted to build together.

“I’m not really looking…”

Peter wasn’t focused on me when I glanced up, and I knew a look of guilt when I saw one. Silence on him had never been a good thing, but I knew what to ask this time. “What did you do?”

He made himself look up at me. “Nothing, I swear.”

Arms came around him, and I saw Kelly peek her head over at his side. “Hey, guys. What’s up?”

My stomach bottomed out, and I wanted to run and hide somewhere dark. No, I didn’t believe this. He wouldn’t have done that. I’d been wrong about a lot of stuff with Peter, but this would’ve been a step too far.

“Can we talk later, Kelly?” Peter asked. “Me and Clove need—”

“We don’t,” I said, holding a hand up. “We really don’t.”

I started walking away, unable to look at Peter’s face anymore. Instead, I would have liked to smash it with that hammer.

I got all the way to the end of the hall, ignoring Peter’s calling after me. He grabbed me by the arm and made sure I couldn’t move anymore. When I stopped, he let go of me.

“Please listen,” he said.

I crossed my arms. “Yeah, sure. I bet you have a real great story you’re about to tell me.”

Peter wouldn’t look away from my eyes. “I swear to God, Clover, I never once cheated on you. Not a single time did I try. I loved you, and I do love you.”

“So you’re not dating Kelly again?”

He took too long to answer, and exhaled. “It happened after we broke up. I wasn’t planning on it, and she didn’t try anything while you and I were together.”

“How long?” I asked. “How long have you been together?”

Peter looked up. “A couple weeks.”

I made a weak sound, knowing that we’d been broken up for a month. He didn’t even wait. Didn’t take any time before he was over me enough to be with someone else. Did I matter at all to him? Was everything a total lie?

“A couple weeks? You were over me in a couple weeks?”

“It’s not like that,” Peter said. “I’m not over you. My feelings for you didn’t go away. They probably never will. You’re my best friend,” he said again. “I want you in my life.”

I shook my head. “No,” I said before I turned away. He didn’t get to throw me away, and then keep me on his terms.

My body trembled from rage as I pushed my way through the doors to the parking lot. Two damn weeks. I didn’t understand it. How could he have told me he loved me, kissed me, held me, and made plans with me, and then two weeks later, been with someone else? Why wasn’t I enough to make him feel like he lost something?

As soon as I made it outside, the cold air hit my face like a slap. I realized with misery, that Peter really wouldn’t be in my life after this. This person who I’d sworn to be with for the rest of my days, would eventually be a stranger to me. A fucking stranger, when I knew him so well right now. My brain didn’t know how to accept that.

I had class in about fifteen minutes, so I couldn’t go home, as much as I wanted to. My parents wouldn’t have thought this was a good enough excuse to skip school and cry all day.

I left the front of the school, not wanting anyone to see me as tears fell down my cheeks. They didn’t need to witness me being pathetic and hung up on someone who had moved on weeks ago. I didn’t realize it had been possible for me to feel like such trash, to be thrown aside with ease.

If he wanted Kelly, then he should have told me. I could have maintained some of my dignity, and not had to worry about how much of our relationship had been spent with him pining for another girl. How many times had he kissed me and thought about her lips instead? Did he mourn the fact that it was me he built a future with, or did he never plan to stick around that long? I would never know.

“Clover?” someone called out behind me.

I turned to see Poe getting out of a plain blue car. He pulled his backpack out from the passenger’s seat, and I got to pretend I wasn’t balancing on the edge of a breakdown.

“Hey,” I said, faking a smile. “How are you?”

He approached, taking me in. “Better than you, I’m guessing. You look like you want to break something with a sledgehammer, and then start sobbing.”

I swallowed and took a deep breath. “I won’t bring your day down by complaining.”

He crossed his arms. “Oh, don’t worry about it. Vent if you need to. Holding it in is how people become murderers.”

On a normal day, I would have kept my mouth shut, but I felt like I could have blown up at any moment and sent little Clover chunks all over the cars in the parking lot. With clenched fists and a growl in my voice, I couldn’t shut up.

“My fucking asshole of an ex-boyfriend got a new girlfriend two weeks after he dumped me. Which was only a month ago, by the way. Two weeks, and he went right back to the girl who dumped him, saying he had way too much baggage. All I ever did was make sure he felt supported and loved. I listened to him cry and talked him down more times than I could ever count. Now he acts like that didn’t even matter. Which I guess it didn’t, since he would go back to someone who never comforted him. Why the hell am I so expendable? I don’t get it. How could I be the most important person in his life, and then he’d be just fine without me?”

My chest pumped, and I felt like I could have punched a hole in a tree. Poe’s eyes widened on me, and even though I looked like I wanted to murder a person, he took a step forward, and opened his arms.

“What?” I asked.

“Do you want a hug?”

I huffed…and then started to sob. I hunched over, and I couldn’t keep it in anymore. Violent and painful tears fell, and I could hardly breathe. Poe put his arms around me and patted my back.

“I’m sorry I’m an insane person,” I hacked, watching tears fall to the ground. One hit my shoe.

“It’s okay,” Poe promised. “You have the right to be crazy. Your ex sounds like an ass. I’m sorry he messed around on you.”

I looked up at Poe and sniffled. “He promised he didn’t cheat. It’s just that they dated before I came along, and I guess he wanted her. But what I don’t understand is why he wouldn’t have said anything before. Peter is always so honest. I mean, he told me why he didn’t want to be with me anymore.”

Poe loosened his hold on me. “What did he say, if you don’t mind me asking?”

Sighing, I had to glance away. “He said he was happier without me around.”

“What?”

I nodded and pulled back enough to wipe my eyes. “We spent all of our time together for more than a year. Neither of us had any other friends, but I didn’t care, and he said all he needed was me. Then I went away with my parents for a week. I missed him like crazy, but he wasn’t really texting me after the first couple days. I got home and went to see him that day. Peter told me that he had been thinking, because we didn’t feel right to him anymore. He was always so sad, and broken, and I thought I made it better for him. But he looked me in the eyes and said that he’d been better once I left. Without me around, it didn’t feel as heavy. Like I reminded him of hurting, because I hurt too. He said he was happier without me, and we couldn’t be together anymore.”

Poe took a moment, and then his eyes narrowed. “What a dick.”

“Huh?”

“There’s a right and a wrong way to break up with someone, and he didn’t have to say all that.”

I shook my head. “He’s really honest. He was only telling me the truth.”

“He could have said that he didn’t feel like it was working anymore, but he didn’t have to say he felt happy without you around. Did he want to send you to therapy for the rest of your life?”

I didn’t understand. The words had hurt me, but it had been my fault Peter wasn’t happy with me around. I wasn’t enough, and I didn’t have any right to be upset with him about it. Peter had never been mean to me, he just wanted me to know what he thought.

“It wasn’t like that,” I said. “He needed me to know.”

“He did not need you to know that. It was unnecessarily cruel of him. Jesus, did you have anyone to talk to after that?”

“No.”

Poe frowned. “I’m sorry that you had to deal with that.”

“It’s fine,” I lied. “He told me he still wants to be friends.”

“A lot of people do that when they’re breaking up with someone.”

I jabbed my thumb to the door. “No, I meant just now. He said I was his best friend, and he wanted me in his life.”

Poe looked at me as if I had started speaking Hebrew. “Okay, well I’m gonna pee on his car. Point me in the right direction.”

I actually laughed. “What?”

“You look miserable, and he deserves some pee on his car. I don’t have to go right now, but I’ll force it out if it’ll make you stop crying. Why? Do you not want me to do it?”

“I mean…a little. But no. Don’t do that.”

Poe grumbled. “Fine then, my pee stays inside of me for now. How about I buy you an ice cream instead? You still look miserable.”

I would remain looking miserable, so I couldn’t tell him it would have helped. “I really need to get to class.”

The boy frowned but nodded. “I’ll walk you.”