Chapter 19

“Fuck, Beckett,” I hissed in pain as my nerves fired rapidly through my left side, creating tingles under my skin as I laid on the wood floor of my apartment. I was on my right side with Beck kneeling behind me, his right hand on the small of my back and his left holding my knee with my leg under his arm, stretching my hip flexor.

“Just relax,” Beck muttered under his breath, distracted by the counting in his head like the physical therapist had instructed him to do. You know you found your ride or die when they’re willing to replace your physical therapist and listen to you curse at them the entire time. Beck had humbly volunteered, wanting his best defender

Back on the ice and his goalie back in the goal as fast as possible. That, and the fact that I refused to let anyone else touch me.

I could definitely feel the stretch in my quad and my hip, though there was a decent amount of soreness accompanying it. No longer did I struggle with walking or sitting, even working out. The only problem was stretching and opening my legs, aka the only move I actually needed to block the goal in hockey. I still had time left before I could go back though. Running from the cops hadn’t helped my case, pushing my chances of getting back on the ice out another week.

“Get on your back,” Beck told me when he released my leg from where he was pulling it back gently. It didn’t feel gentle, let me tell you that. It felt like someone was literally ripping my libs apart, everything was so tight.

I listened to him and flopped

Backwards onto my back with a groan, the cold wood bleeding into my pale skin and raising goosebumps under my sports bra. I watched as he put his knee over my right thigh, not applying weight but making sure I kept it flat on the floor.

Both of his large hands banded around my left calf, pushing my leg towards my abdomen, using his own chest to keep it straight. “Fuck, Beck,” I hissed again as the ball socket cracked, sparking pain but quickly following with a flood of relief and the release of pressure in my joint. I couldn’t help but close my eyes and exhale in solace, feeling the stretch in my hamstring.

“I still can’t tell if you two are having sex! Just tell me and I’ll leave!” I heard my idiot of a roommate yell through the heavy front door.

“We’re not having sex!” I yelled back, opening my eyes and holding in a grunt as Beck pushed on my leg a little

Harder. His eyes were pinned to my hips below him as he moved his left hand to the top of my thigh to make sure my leg was as straight as could be.

The lock on the door clicked with Sebastian’s key, opening a second later followed by the thud of his bag on the hard wood near the door. “I stood out there for that whole conversation trying to decide if I should come in or not. Low and behold you two are in the middle of this foreplay shit,” Seb announced after he closed the door, walking over to us and looking down at me on the floor.

Beck released my leg and sat back, running his hand through his jet black hair. “Well if you wanted to step in, then by all means.”

“I’m good.”

“You’re the one that’s going to be a doctor, for fucks sake,” I retorted, holding my hands out to Beck as he

Stood. His large hands encased my own as he easily pulled me up to my feet.

“Yeah but the thing is...”

“Your lazy?” Beck suggested with a raised eyebrow.

“Incompetent?” I added on questioningly.

“Fuck you guys. He volunteered before I could, so I’ll just leave you two to get to almost second base,” Seb retorted with narrowed eyes. “Just don’t ride him on my bed and we’ll be fine.”

“I haven’t ridden h-“ Beck cut me off with an ‘are you sure’ look to which I had to stop and purse my lips. I’d definitely ridden Beck before and it was fucking amazing. Instead of continuing, I crossed my arms and glared at Seb with a flustered and majorly red face. “Keep it up and I’ll make sure every guy I have over fucks me on your bed.”

We both knew I didn’t have guys over. I might have liked casual sex but I refused to take a man into my home unless I trusted him completely. I was scarred by Jenson Spack and there were some things that would never change. There was no ‘right’ way to handle rape; for me it was force myself to have sex because I thought my weakness made me a pussy. I did that for years until I snapped that night on the bridge when Seb found me. Since that night I couldn’t have sex with just anyone. I had to trust them somewhat via a friend vouching for them. To this day I still hated people touching me if my friends hadn’t approved of them, even if they were doctors.

To be completely honest, the only reason I gave into Beck so easily that night was because he was Axel’s old best friend. If Axel was willing to trust him and I was sober, I would give him a shot. I knew rapists could be anyone, but it had initially provided me

Comfort.

“Anyway,” I changed the subject, watching Seb and Beck simultaneously decide they were hungry as they headed to the fridge in the open concept apartment. Boys will be boys. “I have to go to therapy at seven tomorrow morning but after that Axel agreed to go with me-“

“When did you see Axel?” Seb interrupted like a child, tossing a grapefruit at Beck over the marble counter. I watched him catch it in one hand perfect before Seb pulled a knife out of the drawer and acted like he was going to throw it. Luckily, Beck stepped back even if Sebastian didn’t toss it. I swear they’re going to kill each other one day.

“And more importantly, where the fuck were we?” Beck chimed in, giving Seb a look as he handed him the knife this time, slicing through the grapefruit to reveal the refreshing pink inside. Beck cut the fruit between the membranes on both halves with a scary accuracy and speed. Seb and him might actually cut their hands off before graduation.

“Axel and I got dinner last night. Now I don’t know what you two losers were doing, but sometimes my gay best friend and I want to drink wine and paint shitty pictures while gossiping about you fools,” I responded sassily while crossing the apartment, plucking the half kiwi in Seb’s hand and spooning the fruit into my mouth with a smirk. “Thanks for that.”

“Bitch,” he muttered playfully while rolling his eyes.

“Anyway, as I was saying before you both interrupted me like assholes,” I sent them each pointed glare. “The two of us are going with Finn and Sylvia to Manhattan tomorrow for the women’s march. It’s last minute, but the two of you are welcome to come if you want. It would mean a lot to me, but if you

Have other plans, I get it. It’s short notice.”

“If it’s important to you, then don’t worry. I’m down,” Beck replied, resting his elbows on the counter. “What about you?” He asked Seb.

Sebastian had gone the last three years with me so I would understand if he didn’t want to go freeze his ass off with me for the forth year in a row. Finn and Sylvia has been going every year since they were eighteen, either in DC or NYC so naturally I had been going for many years too.

“I’m down too. What time are we leaving?”

“We gotta be in the city around nine so probably eight,” I shrugged. “Thanks for going though. It honestly means a lot after...everything that’s happened. It feels good to have your friends support you,” I spoke honestly.

It was such a safe feeling environment and there was nothing I loved more than getting to be with my closest friends while fighting for something I cared about. Not even as a survivor or a female in men’s sports; just as a person who identifies as a woman. I never had people close to me when I was in high school, so having friends like this now meant the world.

I grabbed my phone off the island and sent a quick text to my brother.

I couldn’t help but smile at Finn. I loved our relationship and how close

We were. Man, I was fucking emotional today. It must be near that time of the month because I was never this sentimental. That, or my therapist was finally kicking in. It was honestly hard to tell sometimes because my symptoms were so far and few between. To be completely honest, I was thinking about stopping therapy already but I didn’t know if that was the best choice.

There was nothing to be ashamed of; that wasn’t the problem. The issue was honestly just time. Besides, I had one episode. That made me okay now, right?

It had to be.

I wasn’t depressed like I used to be in high school. I didn’t have social anxiety anymore. I knew those were problems that never really went away, they were always lurking in the shadows, waiting for you to slip up when you least expected it, but I wanted to believe I

There was nothing to be ashamed of; that wasn’t the problem. The issue was honestly just time. Besides, I had one episode. That made me okay now, right?

I was alright for once in my life. Everything was at peace.

I just hope it stayed that way.

The sky was the same muddy grey as the day old snow on the ground, only prevalent in small piles on the edges of sidewalks. The cold air nipped at my skin but I barely felt it, I was too lost in the moment to feel it. Even the wind was avoiding my body, the rest of the crowd and the four six foot men around me taking the brunt of the forces at one time or another. It was loud but not loud enough that I couldn’t hear the person next to me. The early morning sun wasn’t visible but you could see the bright light shining behind the grey clouds, illuminating the city like a covered lamp.

There was a bright smile on my face as I snapped a picture of Axel’s sweatshirt

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And posted it to my Instagram. If there was one thing about having a famous brother and sister in law, it was that it made you popular by default. Sylvia’s various campaigns, success as a coach, sex appeal, and both her and her husbands Olympic greatness made it so they had millions of followers. As a result, I got some of that buzz but I wasn’t complaining.

My attention turned to Sylvia as she handed me a black coffee, wearing the navy woman’s march shirt with three

Women’s profiles on the front. The sign in her hand was definitely my favorite though. It was so quintessentially her and it was perfect. ‘If I wanted the government in my womb I’d fuck a senator’. If that wasn’t a role model, then I don’t know what was.

My own shirt was a black sweatshirt like Axel’s with ‘my body my choice’ printed in white blocking on the front. I had to admit that I was looking very goth in my leather jacket and black ripped jeans. Lord know Beck and I had a thing for black ripped jeans, because we had both ended up wearing them with our black vans. I swear we were the same person. It was almost annoying how often we saw each other on campus and just thought ‘god damn I should have worn something else’. Granted, half of our apparel was the same Quinnipiac hockey shirts, sweatshirts, jackets, etc.

I was about to take a sip of the scalding liquid when Seb plucked it from my

Hands, probably burning his own throat as he gulped it down. “Dick,” I muttered, glaring at my best friend as he handed it back, the warmth radiating through my fingers. Beck and Seb were wearing pink bandanas around their necks, with Finn and Axel wearing them in their hair and Sylvia and I on our thighs.

“You love me,” Sebastian retorted, crossing his arms.

“At this point Danny’s version of ‘I love you’ is cursing you out,” Finn quipped, taking a sip of his green tea. I don’t know how I was related to someone that couldn’t do coffee. That fact never ceased to amaze me.

“Does that mean I should text mom that I love her?” I asked teasingly to which Beck elbowed my ribs with a glare, not finding my joke that funny considering how horrible our relationship actually was.

Regardless, Finn snorted but Sylvia elbowed her husband aggressively too. “You two are fucking incorrigible,” she muttered to herself. Her warm brown eyes shifted to Beck. “It’s not to late to haul ass out of here. Seb and Axel had the same option, now they’re stuck with the shit show that is the Riley siblings.”

Beck let out a throaty laugh while Finn rolled his eyes. “I think I’ll stick around. Worse comes to worst I get to watch the shit show.” Pft. As if my life wasn’t already a shit show. That’s fucking adorable, Beckett.

“You’re definitely in for a ride then,” Sylvia huffed sarcastically. Finn and Axel has already lost interest, instead wandering to look at a sculpture a few feet away from our little group. “Children. I swear I have three of them,” Sylvia muttered to herself before going to follow her husband. I couldn’t help but smile. Sylvia could act like the adult all she wanted, but we all

Knew Finn was the responsible one in their relationship. They really were a match made in heaven.

I took a sip of my coffee, the hot liquid warming my insides on this freezing winter morning. I had already been up for hours, but the coffee still made me feel better. As soon as it left my lips the brown cup with the white plastic lid was taken from my small hands again, instead Beck was the one who took it this time. “You both owe me a coffee sometime in the near future,” I announced, crossing my arms and watching Beck’s strong neck as the drank my coffee before handing it back to me with a taunting smirk.

“Or you could let me take you to dinner, sweet talk you a little bit, maybe end up in my bed by the end of the night,” Beck’s voice dropped a little, taking a step closer to me so I had to look up at him to see his face. Sebastian slipped away to follow the others when he saw what was happening, deciding

To stay out of the twisted love triangle between Beck, hockey, and myself. I wanted to roll my eyes, but I found myself staring at Beck’s sapphire ones instead. “I’m quite a fan of those noises you make, especially when I’m causing them.”

“Hitting on me at a women’s march is a very bold move, Sampson.”

“Well like the shirt says,” Beck said, gesturing at his grey T-shirt with black lettering. “’A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle’. You don’t need it for anything, but you might have a little more fun if you use it once and a while. If anything, I’m trying to pick up a strong, independent woman.”

“You’re a smooth talker, Sampson. But we both know it can’t happen so you might as well stop trying.”

“Can’t happen?” He raised an eyebrow. I could guarantee that if we weren’t in public this would be where Beck

His body. He might even have tried to kiss me, but right now he just stood there, looking down at me with a smirk on his face and his hands casually in his pockets. “Because a lot of things can happen behind closed doors without people knowing about them.”

“And I know a lot of things that can happen behind closed doors and still see the light of day.”

Beck’s lips were tight as he responded monotonically but not unkindly. “If that is what you want, then so be it. Just remember that you were the one who kissed me the first time at that concert.”

I couldn’t even respond before he turned and walked away, off to find his new best friend, aka my brother.

This is what rejection felt like but I had no one to blame but myself.