Chapter 423: 2-2

“Because its one thing to think negative things about yourself, but it’s a whole other thing to have someone else say it. Even though you believe it, it just seems to hurt so much more when someone else is verifying your belief.” “And sometimes… sometimes we push people away so they don’t find out the dirty truth,” he did some things with his hands, two fingers on each hand up, he flexed them down. “You don’t want them to find out the person you think you are… you don’t want to feel humiliated or ashamed by what you’re holding inside. You think that they’re going to leave you anyways once they know your truth, so you push and push, keeping to yourself.” Nothing, I was giving away nothing. Then he went silent, just the picture of ease while I stared blankly, while inside the chaos was building, and I didn’t – couldn’t – I wanted to expel my thoughts just so I could get rid of the clutter inside. “Kieran, you mentioned something… you said white coats?” my eyes widened when he said those two words, as well as the fact that I had mentioned them. I had revealed that little piece of my past. “Can you tell me about the white coats?” my hands shook, my vision blurred and my chest squeezed painfully. Gasping, I grabbed the sofa edge between my hands to calm myself and to give my hands something to hold onto. Share that with him? Chelsea and Gabriel already know, Nyx thought. “Why don’t you just ask Chelsea and Gabriel?” I muttered, using Nyxs’ thoughts. “You would prefer that I go behind your back and get information?” No! I shouted in my head. “I wouldn’t like that,” he continued, “I mean, granted they know what I’m thinking, I think I would prefer giving someone that type of information, sharing my past instead of being investigated or having that information given, taken without my permission.” Again with the confusing run around, what difference did it make that I could give the details and Chelsea and Gabriel knew the details the minute I thought of them? Grant snorted, “It’s about trust Kieran,” I blinked, did I say that last bit out loud? I don’t think I did but then how – “Your facial expression… it’s about trust. It’s about talking and sharing what happened to you, because Kieran; you don’t see what happened to you as a problem. You say you deserve it, but what I want to know is, if you thought you deserved what happened, why would you push Oakley away? You were punished for something you did-” “Because I can’t be like other mates!” I shouted cutting him off, my chest heaving up and down rapidly, “They thought I could hurt someone! They knew me” I pointed to my chest roughly. “The white coats… they – they thought I would hurt someone like they hurt – punished – me,” I corrected myself. Grant sat forward, his elbows on his knees, “They wanted you to give out punishments?” I nodded, my mouth so dry, my memories flooding my mind. “But you didn’t want too?” I shook my head, my jaw clenched tightly. “What happened when you didn’t want too?” my bottom lip shook, he didn’t understand, none of them knew. Tell them, Nyx thought. “What happened when you didn’t want to do to others what was done to you Kieran?” Grant asked once again. Panting, I released the grip I had on the ends of the sofa, one hand flying to my chest, “I – I ran.” Grant blinked, “You ran?” Nodding, “I – I – I couldn’t… I didn’t want too. So I – I – I knew the codes – I escaped.” I whispered, he would know the truth now. “You were locked up?” I nodded. “Did you – Kieran did you always know how to escape?” his blue eyes full of something I saw when I spoke to Oakley. That look that made me want to lay myself a her feet and just tell her everything inside me, that hurt, that burned… that made me want to hide. I couldn’t escape though, didn’t he understand? “Kieran, did you stay because you believed you were bad?” panting I could barely exhale without my body jerking. “But you left – you escaped when you thought they were going to make you hurt someone?” I nodded. Grant rested back, his eyes watery, clearing his throat, I could see him swallow and the veins in his neck seemed to thicken. “Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me that Kieran,” he said after a moment, blindsiding me once again. Trust? Was that what I was doing by telling him such little details? And in a small part of my brain, I registered that nothing happened. I told him something, and he was still right in front of me, he wasn’t agreeing or even looking at me with pity or judgment, instead he was thanking me. “Kieran, are you okay?” I nodded mechanically not understanding. Sighing Grant leaned forward slowly, “Why didn’t you just go along with what they wanted you to do Kieran?” I opened my mouth, only to shut it each time, “I only ask because, you believed you deserved what you got. Doesn’t that mean that the person they wanted you to hurt, they deserved it as well?” I shook my head. “I didn’t – I didn’t want to be like them, I didn’t want to be a monster,” I whispered sadly, remembering that time. Knowing I was bad and deserved to be there, but not wanting to be like them, ever. He only nodded, “Why did it bother you that your m – Carla and Tony looked for you?” I just shrugged. “Can I tell you what I think?” he asked. Fixing my face, and inhaling I met his eyes, just waiting for whatever he was going to say. “I may be off target, but I’m very good at what I do… reading your behavior and expressions, picking up on the very little details that you give… I’ve formed a picture in my head. Would you like me to share it with you?” he asked one eyebrow rose waiting for me to give him some sort of answer. Did I want him to tell me what he was thinking? I looked away, because the truth was, I would. Because then if he were right, he’d know the truth, he’d have enough information to come to a conclusion about me. So steeling myself, I gave him one sharp nod. “I think those assholes played on the emotions of a frightened child… they made you feel weak and isolated to the point where nothing you did was right, but then instead of having balance, everything you did was wrong. You were never right, you could never win, and that was never going to happen Kieran. They made rules, and changed them, and I’m pretty sure that they had you bending over backwards trying to meet these unrealistic utterly pointless standards.” My leg was pumping erratically as Grant just continued speaking not looking for assurance from me. “Each time you failed, they said that it was because of you, each time you didn’t meet the standards it was because you were in some way inadequate, and after a while, when they knew that they had you right where they wanted you. Broken, and believing that you were everything wrong that they told you, they got sloppy… they wrote you off as someone that they had broken and rebuilt just as they wanted. The boy that had no faith in himself, that would dish out abuse that they wanted to give, but they didn’t break the part of you that knew inside that they were wrong.” “No matter what they made you do – and I’ll wait for when you’re ready to share that with me… because no matter what you tell me, I’ll still think you’re the strongest young man I’ve met in my life – there was a part of you that knew it wasn’t right. But you want to know what else?” By then, I think I had truly stopped breathing as Grant just laid his thoughts at my feet, “I’m guessing, purely based on what little I know, but I think it bothered you that Carla and Tony looked for you because inside you never grew up. You were always that little boy that they told needed punishment, and in that mindset you didn’t escape before because you thought that if you were just good enough, listened the best you could, that eventually your m – Carla and Tony would come and get you from the white coats.” “You never escaped because you were there because you were bad, you hadn’t improved, you were still as bad as the day they took you…” my bottom lip shook, and Grant’s clear shape blurred in my vision. “As bad as you were, you couldn’t stay and hurt someone the way they hurt you, so even though you were bad, you had to leave.” I nodded, and the poison inside me, rolled down my face, over my cheeks, and down my jaw.