Chapter 418: 1-2

"He - Kieran doesn't trust me and he doesn't trust himself?" I asked pulling away lifting my head to look aunt Julia in the face. Again she had that small sad smile on her face, as she nodded and the wind around us picked up. Nodding to myself I dropped my head down to her slightly curved belly, "hey baby it's okay you can stop with the wind..." my head snapping back up when aunt Julia sobbed above me, her body jerking in the hammock. "What - what happened - are you okay?" I placed one foot on the patio stopping the rocking and my eyes darting frantically from her belly to her face. Only she wasn't crying, well there were tears but she had the biggest smile I've ever seen on her face, "You - your - Grant - he - he talks to the ba - baby too," she sobbed happily, bringing her hands up to fan her face, which I wasn't sure why she would need to when my hair blew around my face with the magic wind the baby created whenever she was emotional. "Should I go get uncle Grant?" I offered pushing the hair from my face as her crying turned to giggles. "No - no," she shook her head, sighing, small body jerks still occurring but the smile was lighting up her face. Pulling to her for a hug, she squeezed with all her might, which was getting a bit stronger now that she was channeling the babies strength. Julia leaned her head on top of mine, "I know you hold nothing against your uncle and I, but I - Oakley, you have no idea just how you've opened our eyes to just how much you were able to grasp back home. The effort and attention you must have been putting forth - I mean... I loved your uncle regardless of never having this experience... my mom had told me that I didn't know what I was giving up, but I did." The breeze calmed again as her heart beat stabilized to an easy calm pace, "The thing was, I knew what type of love I would be giving up on if I decided not to continue my relationship with him." Bringing my leg up, I curled it against my other just listening to Julia, closing my eyes, "A lot of people... they have these standards of what they want which is good... but sometimes you get some of what you wanted and some of what you needed." "That's what you found in uncle Grant?" I murmured. A slight puff of air hit the top of my head, I knew she was smiling without even looking, "Yes... he told me almost right away... putting my feelings first showing me how selfless he was. He told me, before our feelings got any deeper, he wanted me to know the truth," she released a breathy chuckle. "He could've been selfish, hiding it from me, and when I went home, thought about just how terrifying it must have been to put himself out there like that," I nodded. "You chose him anyways," a smile on my own face. "Oh yes... but I couldn't let anyone else make that choice for me Oakley, I had to know what I was willing to look the other way for. But while I was doing that do you know what else pushed me to call him to continue?" Listening out, I could hear the window above the patio in their room open, not loud enough for aunt Julia to hear, but I knew it was uncle Grant. "I could see your uncles own hurt by the cards he was dealt... it was like he had this guilt and shame over something he wasn't at fault for... and then... it hit me. I hated that pain I could see he felt, I wanted to do something, anything to show him that he didn't need to be those things. Not with me." My eyes welled, and my chest felt heavy, I released a shaky breath but aunt Juju just tightened her arm around my shoulder. "When my sisters were having their own children, or others were giddy over that experience, I won't say I'm so cold that it didn't ache inside, I did. But I wouldn't trade the love I share with your uncle... at first it was hard, but eventually I learned to know how I felt, as well as be supportive of those around me experiencing what I wouldn't." "But I saw you," I whispered, bringing up the memory. I couldn't quite read her face but it resembled, longing. "Yes... and that's what I'm talking about... okay, that small moment, you saw me. You noticed something I know was fleeting, and you saw it for what it was." Biting on my bottom lip, I tried to clear my head, I couldn't - I didn't want to cry but with so much rolling around, I was losing the battle slowly. "I can't begin to even process the things I know that you analyzed in that mind of yours, the events, the small moments that you've witness and have held inside you..." taking a deep breath I felt it all the way to my belly. I didn't respond, but she was right there were many things warring inside my head right now, but I don't think she could even begin to know now what was eating away at my heart, at my control. Swallowing, I reluctantly pulled away, standing, and looking away, fixing my face, before turning to my aunt, "I think I'm gonna head to my room now," I said nodding. Julia's eyes danced as she examined my face and I gave her a half smile for reassurance, anything more and it would have been a grimace. "Okay sleep well," I nodded making a dash for it, flying up the stairs and into my room. Sitting on my desk chair I grabbed the journal and my hand hovered over the pen, until I swallowed and picked it up. Dear daddy, I just had a really nice talk with Aunt Julia, it - I stopped not having any order in my thoughts at the moment. Sighing I put the pen down, wrapping my hands around myself tightly catching my breath... until I was a bit calmer in the head. Dear daddy, I'm trying to remember the last time you wrapped me in your arms, and I felt safe or really truly loved. Because while I can't really remember that time I remember feeling like wanting that love from anyone but Ben was something I couldn't get. I could hug Ben, without there being some sort of look shared between you and Sarah. A look that felt like you were telling her, 'she's coming around Sarah, and soon she'll come around to you.' Until each embrace felt like nerve-racking moments, where there was an unspoken price I couldn't and WOULDN'T pay daddy. Writing that I blinked away the tears. That's all I had to say right now about that but I always wanted to tell you, that even though I could've asked Chelsea to bring you here and I'm sure she would. I won't do that, because I know that you wouldn't come without the rest. So instead, I'll just remind you, that while you're angry that, YOU LEFT ME FIRST. Love, BumbleBee.