Chapter 378: 1-2

“Daddy never wanted to go, so we didn’t go. Then when she moved in, she wanted to go, so we went and found dresses, I was really excited too. I – I don’t think I realized that he wasn’t going for me until we got there and Amelia made this big fuss about getting to dance with him first. Then that turned into a second dance and then he came and sat next to me, and he was all happy,” pausing I swallowed, “He said ‘you’re up next Bee’ but by then I was so – just so,” I couldn’t even stress just how I felt. Shaking my head I put my chin on my knee, “The next time I just didn’t go at all. Amelia was always there… asking to tag along and Daddy never just said no to her. It was always, ‘be nice Bee, or  ‘It’ll be fun if she comes Bee’ – and it was never any of those things. It wasn’t fun, he’s my daddy, hers left and she just moved in and took mine.” My lip wobbled, “And daddy let her, he was so excited to be her daddy but not mine,” my vision blurred. “When we go back home, I don’t want it to bother me,” I muttered. “I just – I’m only thirteen, I don’t think I can put up with feeling like this forever…” I added not sure if he understood what I meant. I kind of just wanted to put it all behind me, leave daddy, Sarah and Amelia to be a happy little family. I wanted to know that was what he wanted and not be hurt by that. I would never see Amelia as my sister and I would never, ever see Sarah as more than an insecure woman that tried to push herself onto me, while bad talking momma. “I – Oakley, I don’t know what’s going to happen when we get back, but one thing I do know is that, you never used to be so open with what you were saying… about anything. You sort of – from my perspective – got lost in the shuffle, and even then you never gave out a shout to alert anyone of where you were. You’re father – no not just your father – no parent can read the mind – well no human parent,” I chuckled at his attempt to correct his statement, “can read their child’s mind, they just can’t. Although, you were fairly obvious in your disdain of Sarah and Amelia, I think – to help you put it behind you, to help heal, you’ll have to face them all. You can start to work on yourself though.” I could feel the sadness drip down my face, “You – geez I don’t think I’ve ever seen you as happy as you are now, here on this island. You’ve – you and Ben both – been so mature about all of this, just finding your own groove and I don’t want you to let that go. Use it… work on healing yourself, your wounds and being the person you need to be.” “Remember what I told you about loving the little girl inside you?” I nodded, “yes, thirteen year old me should show six year old me all the love and comfort she didn’t get,” I repeated his words in my own way, but basically he wanted me to build up the self-esteem and worth of the girl I was. Doing little things to care for her, by caring for me. “Keep working on that, using that. Keep a journal, write down your thoughts about all of this, all the things you’ve keep inside, whenever it comes to you. Just write it all out, leave it on the paper, and remove it from inside your heart. When you get back home, give the journal to your father… let him see your words in a way that he can’t ignore it. But don’t just do it for that reason alone. If you think it’s a good idea, do it because you want to take out all the darkness and pain you’re feeling, you’re carrying with you, and leave it in that journal.” “Talk to me, to Kieran, to Ben, your aunt Julia, Chelsea and Gabriel, your friends, just don’t hold it all inside,” he stressed. I wasn’t sure I could do what he was asking, I was so used to keeping my thoughts protected, because I was sure that no one was listening, but maybe they were. Maybe it was me that wasn’t looking closely enough to see that I had people in my corner all along. Daddy might have written me off, and not given it his all, but that didn’t mean that I had to shut down. I was here, and I doubt that daddy had stopped living just because Ben and I were gone. Daddy still had Sarah, Amelia and their new baby to replace Ben and I – “Hey Oak one more thing,” Uncle Grant called me back from my thoughts. Exhaling, my body shaky, I turn to face him completely, “Well…” he starts off slowly, his head cocked to the side as his eyes dance from different places of my body to behind me, and back, “how are you treated here on the island?” I hadn’t been expecting that since, well there weren’t any secrets here, there was really no point. “Uh – nice… I mean some kids still talk about me but that’s cause they think it’s weird that I’m friends with Kieran, but I don’t care about them or that,” I answer openly. He nods, “that’s good, but you know you can always tell Chelsea and she can talk-” “So they’ll talk about how I told on them to the Luna?” I snorted. He shook his head, chuckling, “Ok so no telling, but Oakley don’t let them bully you okay?” Was there anyway to stop someone from bullying? I had never understood why people do it in the first place… especially when it’s teasing someone about something they can’t change, something they shouldn’t hate about themselves but they do because a group of people said it was wrong. “Hey come back to me now,” Uncle Grant joked, “what I really want to know is have you changed?” Did he mean my clothes? No that couldn’t be it. “Do you need more?” I nodded. “Back in Middleburg, when you woke up, you told your daddy and I, that you hated everything about yourself, you’re eyes, hair, nose, lips everything… remember?” oh, that. “No I haven’t changed…” every morning I was the same. “But some how, people here aren’t teasing you about your looks, they aren’t talking about you the same way?” “They aren’t.” “So if the teasing stopped – in terms of who and what you look like – and you haven’t changed from the person you were back home to the girl you are right now what does that tell you?” my eyes focused on his icy blues before looking away. “You take your time to think about it, Oak,” he said standing and leaving me outside alone. A lot had changed, but none of them were about me directly… I was still the same and here I had three friends, Ben, Uncle Grant, Aunt Julia and Chelsea and Gabriel. I guess that isn’t true though, I knew that Byrdie was my wolf, that the voice in my head wasn’t me going crazy, but no one knew you were hearing me Oakley, only you were aware of that little fact… I used to stay away from everyone… Because they were talking badly about you… Byrdie replied. I wasn’t much different, I was still as smart as I was before, I had the same face when I woke up, my voice was the same… I think you’re uncles trying to show you it wasn’t your fault, the teasing and talking wasn’t even about the way you looked, but that couldn’t be right, I thought frustrated. What about Ben? What about Ben? I replied distracted. Has his loved changed Oakley, from back home to here on the island? Byrdie questioned again. No, Ben has loved me no matter what, I don’t think my looks counted to him, it’s never mattered. No it hasn’t changed but – but – I stop abruptly thinking about everyone all over again. Everything changed when momma died and people thought she left, daddy changed and it was like he didn’t love me anymore, I couldn’t understand why though. There was no reason, only that he was sad, it never hit me that the reason he didn’t love me was the way I looked until he brought Amelia and Sarah home. He complimented Amelia to no end, her blonde hair, how pretty her momma looked, her lovely brown eyes, day after day and she basked in all that attention. Going out and people assuming that she was his biological daughter when we weren’t in Middleburg, even strangers never said a thing about how he and I looked alike. ‘Thanks… I got a beautiful family,’ he’d respond happily, but he didn’t have that until they came around. Standing, I went inside walking past Grant and Julia heading to my room and pulling out one of the empty notebooks I had for schoolwork. On the very first page I didn’t have much to say, but I would start with what I was feeling right then and there.