Chapter 335: 2-8

I sit again, “Do you feel like having a session?” I shake my head, “Ok, how about something new. You’re going to have these feelings more, and the easiest way to handle it, is through meditation. You learn to lower your heart rate, slowly respiratory rate and it can help with any anxiety you are experiencing. Your sisters and yourself have to prepare and this can help you remain calm in times where you are under pressure.” I cocked my head to the side, “Like how you hum and sit on the floor with your hands – or well fingers touching your thumbs?” I asked my voice rising as I tried to imagine a big muscular looking man like Lux humming and forcing his thick fingers together. When he sits on the ground, “It’s something like that but since this is new for you, you just sit quietly and concentrate on something, one point. It can be a sound, or maybe it’s just your body. It will help keep you calm and I really think it would be helpful. I taught Chelsea when I first met her because she was very jumpy and she would get frightened easily.” What was she afraid of? I wondered, but I guess since I saw the scars on her back she had very good reasons to be like he says. Following his lead I sit, “When I do this I concentrate on my breathing, I don’t try to control it, I just become very aware of my body movement. Do you understand?” “No…” of course I didn’t, he was just showing me this now, but I left it at a simple ‘no,’ instead. “I want you to close your eyes, and inhale, focusing just on your body as it does the simple task, and exhale.” I do as he says closing my eyes, inhaling and then exhaling, and I continue until I really only start to pay attention to my breathing, until I’m not thinking about Oakley or Kayla or Dad, or anything and the only question I have is why my body sort of moves when I inhale and exhale. “Okay just think about the way your chest is moving, the way you’re lifting your chest and shoulders up when you inhale, and the calm release when you exhale. You can focus your attention on different body areas, once you’ve gotten to a clear mind space. Feel the way your chest moves, or your belly, or how your ribcage expands…” his voice was getting softer and softer. “Any time your mind starts to wander back on anything else, that’s not your body, just go back to thinking of your breathing,” each time I mind went where it wasn’t supposed too, I was actually racing back to that ‘no thoughts’ place. Except that wasn’t exactly how it was, I was thinking but just not of things that had to do with Dad, Oakley, Kayla, Chelsea, no one. It seemed pretty much like when you were going to sleep, except a bit more peaceful, instead of thinking and just seeing things from all different ways and wondering what Dad was doing? Was he missing us? What would happen when we got home? Would they be angry? Did that new baby replace Oakley and I? Would he treat me, like he treated Oak when we went home because he had the new baby? After the fifth or so time where I couldn’t keep the focus I sighed opening my eyes. “I’m not sure its working…” I mumbled rubbing my head. “It’s not something that you can get done easily Ben, but each time that you try, eventually you’ll be able to tune out everything else for longer periods of time.” He encouraged. I just nodded, “Do you have any questions?” Lux asked, I sighed, “Not really.” It’s not that I didn’t have a bunch of questions. It was more that I don’t think I could take more. I went home walking silently the whole way home, not saying a single word to Lux, or anyone even when I made it home. Aunt Julia is home, Oakley isn’t around so I go right to my room, unable to remain still for even a second, I shower and in the bag that I put the picture for Kayla I put another set of clothes and my ipad. Still a bit dirty I take a shower, I dress my self and head down again, backpack on my back. “Aunt Juju I’m going to the beach,” even though I’m fairly certain I’m not going there, but just incase Kayla doesn’t want to play I’ll go there after. “Okay Benny, be careful okay?” she turns from the television to face me, “We’re having dinner at Chelsea’s so after four just head to her place,” I nod, already out of the house before she can even turn to face the TV again. Starting on the path, tiredly I make my way to see her, getting excited, as I get closer, following the same route I took with Chelsea. Heading to the back, I take my backpack off, taking the picture for Kayla hoping she likes it. I start to walk up to the porch so I can knock the door to see if she wants to come out, but stop shocked when I see her in the wicker egg pod bed on the porch. Stilling, frozen to my spot her head snaps to face me, eyes wide, dark underneath, she sighs, holding onto to a grey and white stuffed wolf, it’s head the same size as hers. Slow I take a step, and from the left side I see someone through the glass, her dad is watching. “Hi… This is for you,” I stick my hand out holding the paper out to her, but not walking any closer, it seems like I’m holding my hand out forever as she slowly comes from the egg bed to take the picture. Opening it, she glances at it then back to me, and I look at her face much better, her eyes are red, the line between her eye and lashes are so red, and underneath the dark circles are darker and seem deeper than yesterday. “It’s a boat,” I say when she glances between the picture and me again, “I explained and thought I’d draw you a picture, I mean it’s not very good and you could probably get a better one,” I said when I saw that in the little egg-bed she had a tablet as well. Nodding she took a step back, “Thank you,” she put the picture in the pod on the cushion. “You look tired,” I blurt out even pointing at her eyes, “Did you not sleep?” she shook her head. “Oh… you’re probably too tired to play-” I stop and take a step back, thinking of something else when she holds tightly onto the toy wolf. “I’ll be back,” I said leaving my bag on the deck and going down to the grass shifting, into my wolf. White, with a few gray spots, and black tips of my ears, I try to wiggle myself out of my human clothes, and hear a tiny giggle, as my paw drags my shirt, I roll onto my back twisting myself but only getting more tangled in clothing. I start whining, when it doesn’t come off and the legs of the soft pants I was wearing twists more wrapping around my body. I growl, trying to claw my way out, with no luck. Earlier the shorts I was wearing just came off easily, not wanting to shift back naked in front of Kayla I try to go away. As I try to do so, my back leg gets stuck in place, held by the clothing and trying to use my mouth to pull it off only makes the knot I’m in tighter. The only thing I can do is roll around like a ball. I stop moving turning my face to Kayla, hoping maybe she’ll help me, although I’m fairly certain she wouldn’t. But maybe if I whine loud enough her dad in the kitchen will come help. That doesn’t happen. I look to where I just saw him and notice he isn’t even there anymore. Careful to keep my calm, yeah don’t frighten our mate, Saxon echoes. Slowly, I see Kayla doing something that resembles walking to me, and two blinks and she’s actually closer, her blue eyes focused on my face and she has a death grip on that toy wolf. She comes down one step at a time, the blacks in her blue eyes large and focused. I breathe slowly, hoping not to make any moves that would frighten her, until she’s right next to me, bending down, and helping me get untangled. Her shaky hand touches my fur, making me release a low purring sound from deep inside my belly. Backing away from me, when I get free, I go to all fours and leap up onto the porch, then jump and make myself comfortable in her egg pod. It takes time, but I put my paws down and my head on them just waiting, keeping my eyes open and focused on Kayla. Until she slowly, seemed to fade right before my eyes, her eyes were squinting in the bright sun, without the sun in her eyes directly and the black circles I figured it wasn’t the sun. Crawling into the egg she propped her tablet against a pillow, and a cartoon show came on. After a second I recognized it was the show Arthur, a PBS show for kids I used to watch when I was six or seven years old. I turned my attention to the tablet deciding that I’d watch it, my eyes getting heavy quickly, the last thing I saw was DW playing a prank on Arthur and his mom telling him to clean his room.