Chapter 334: 2-7

I turn to him with watery eyes, “Sad and angry,” but I don’t tell him that it’s about more than just Kayla yet someone how Lux knows. “About everything?” I nodded, “I’m really angry about my dad too, Lux. Oakley isn’t but I’m mad, and I think about when we – we go back home. I think I’ll still be angry. I think he’s selfish.” I whisper the truth. The thoughts I can’t tell uncle Grant because he’s dad’s brother, and Oakley because she doesn’t see it the way I do. I wipe at the tears, but my chest hurts, I can’t swallow because it feels like I’m choking on hurt and sadness. “What are you angry about?” he asks, but is very relaxed, almost like he’s asking if I want to drink something. “He didn’t pick Oakley and me,” I whisper. “I love Sarah and Amelia, but even when I said I would rather be with Oakley he let us go, it was our house. Our home. He brought them and in the end, if anyone should have had to leave it should have been them. He didn’t just not pick Oakley… he didn’t pick me either.” “But you chose to go with Oakley…” I nodded, “yes, but someone needed too. It wasn’t her fault… I may be younger but it’s different. I had Oakley, but Oakley needed him, and he just let her be sad so that he could be happy. Everyone else was happy but her. I – I-” I bit my lip, “I know he loves us, but he didn’t show her. I didn’t know he was having another baby, but I’m mad about that too. I don’t understand where he was going to put that baby,” I think about our four-bedroom house, and back to what Oakley did. Lux squints his eyes at me, “Why would that matter?” I jerked my shoulders up, “I have a room, they have a room and then Oakley and Amelia each had their own. He couldn’t put me with Oakley, so that means he’d have to move Amelia and Oakley together in one room so the new baby would have a room. Oakley hates Amelia more than she hates Sarah. That’s why Oakley gave up, that talking doctor like uncle Grant, she said it wasn’t dad or Sarahs’ fault but it was…” I rush to get all my thoughts out. I stand up, my hands shaking, “And – and I heard uncle Grant saying he felt bad but I don’t think he should because Dad was willing to let Oakley go… he was willing to let her go and think that she wasn’t as important as Sarah and Amelia. She kept saying that she understood, but I don’t. He’s our dad. I know he’s Amelia’s dad too but it’s not the same. I love Oakley so much and I would never make her think she isn’t important but he did!” I shout. By now I couldn’t stop, I just couldn’t, “And Sarah kept saying she loved us all, but if that was true, if she did love us, she would have left and she didn’t. How can she say she loved us but she didn’t want to just let our dad be with Oakley, and help her?” my chest went up and down quickly, I watched Lux, waiting. “I don’t have the answers to all your questions but I will say that, you can’t keep all your feelings inside like you’ve done. If you can’t talk to Grant, Julia or Oakley, then find someone. Even Chelsea… she isn’t much of a talker but she is a great listener, or me,” his large shoulders lifted, dropping, “As for your dad… I think he made a lot decisions that he is regretting now. He was in a very tough position and I think since Oakley made it easier for him, he took that because he didn’t want to hurt any-” “But he hurt me!” I shouted, crying, my chest hurting. “He hurt me,” I whispered again, “And Oakley was already hurting,” I shake my head not understanding. “Trust me Ben, your dad is hurting as well. I think he was always hurting, but I’m not him so I can’t give you the answers you want or even need, all I can do is tell you that I do think you’re dad was in a tough spot and his decision was the wrong one. But you need to put that aside. Not your hurt or pain you are entitled to your feelings, but fixating on it will only make you angry inside,” I nodded, wiping my face when a sudden coldness took over my body. I shook, and held my body rigid, my stomach turned and it felt like tiny prickles were poking me all over my neck and back. “Little man?” I shake my head, “I – I” I can’t even explain what’s happening. “It’s like – I feel different?” I say but it comes out as a question. He nods, “How do you feel?” “Cold and it feels like my heart is beating fast but my heart isn’t?” I explain as though there is a right or wrong answer to this. Lux nods once again, this time his lips are turned down into a frown, “it is Kayla feeling that way-” “Is she okay?” I ask but as I’m doing so that feeling of coldness and panic calms and a wave of sadness crashes over me, “I think maybe someone scared her,” I say to myself and let my hand drop to my side. She’s okay here… no one is going to hurt her so maybe someone really did just scare her.