Chapter 227

“I was thinking maybe Sarah and Amelia could go stay with her brother, then maybe you and Ben could stay at the house and we do all this right Bee?” he asked me after their family session before I could see Ben, "Or maybe we could try starting over?" “You can’t rewrite history daddy. I'm happy to be going to Uncle Grants... you leaving Sarah won't make me stay in the house anymore, I don't want to me there anymore, too many bad memories daddy.” . . . “I didn’t tell them everything… Are you mad I told them what you know about our mom?” Ben asked me, we only had twenty minutes before visiting time would be over. Both of us on my small bed huddled together. “No… it was never meant to be a secret, I just never told because no one has asked me but you Ben,” I answered honestly. He is sad and angry the voice in my head said like I didn’t know how to read my little brother. “You said you’d never leave me Bee… you don’t lie… but you were going to leave me,” his words hurt, but he wouldn’t understand just how much I wanted to get away. Memories and voices making me crazy.  You aren’t going crazy… they’re giving you medication but you’re still hearing me aren’t you? The voice said taunting me. No. I’m just trying to say you aren’t crazy Oakley, its normal for people like you to hear voices like mine… Ben might hear them too when he gets older… “Things will be better with Uncle Grant and Aunt Julia, I don’t get to stay all the time but, I do some of the time,” he pulled away to eye me, he’s biting his lip unsure but questioning me, “Spit it out Benny,” I said joking. “You do – do want me with you r-right?” “Always Benny.” . . . Pat Lawson POV (November 24th 2014) I had finally worked up the nerve to enter Oakley’s room, wanting to clean the blood from – from when… I hadn’t wanted anyone to enter in here. The carpet – sage – was enhanced by the crimson pool that I should have known would set in after so long. With Ben and Amelia at school, Oakley still in the hospital but receiving therapy I was left alone in the house with Sarah, her mother and father who always stayed with our family from November 16th to after thanksgiving before traveling back to their home in South Carolina. The ammonia in the cleaners watering my eyes, I walk to the window looking over the backyard, opened the cool air brushing past me and was in the same position Oakley encountered. Below me, “Maybe you and Amelia should go stay with your brother and his family while this cools down,” Dave  – Sarah’s father – says, “Let the man concentrate on his daughter for a while.” Someone clicks their tongue, it’s light but still hearable from my spot in Oakley’s room, “He adopted Amelia and Sarah is his wife, if you ask me-” “But no one asked you mom…” Sarah says softly, “What’s going on is something – a problem Pat and I made together. I’m not going to abandon him when he needs support most, not like…” she doesn’t finish the sentence but my heart thuds heavily, I have to swallow the emotion I can’t identify. The closest I’ve felt to it is being on an elevator, and for a few moments you experience that tilting and tipping sensation right before it goes back to normal. “No one is comparing you to that woman – lord only knows what her leaving did to them-” Even from up here it’s a tense moment, “That’s just it though, Pat is starting to think that Norine didn’t just leave that maybe something happened to her,” I hear the insecurity in her voice. “So now he’s looking for the mother of his children? And you’re just supposed to do what...?? Twiddle your thumbs?” “No… I’m honestly torn in between, on the one hand I’m hoping she’s like Oakley believes because I’m not sure what it would do it her now if it turned out that her mom really did just leave. And I’m hoping to find her alive because my family is falling apart and I’ve spent years talking ill of a dead woman around her grieving daughter no less…” “Have you seen Oakley?” Dave questions. “No she doesn’t want to see Amelia and I-” “See that’s another thing… kids making the decisions,” I hear the reproach from Sarah’s mother. No one speaks for a while until Sarah does, “I’m not worried about my relationship with Pat, I know he loves me, but I also know that love is costing him a whole lot because Ben doesn’t want to be separated from Oakley and is going to be staying three nights here and four nights at Grant’s place with Oakley…” “But?” Dave asks. I hear a sniffle and I know Sarah’s crying, “She really doesn’t like me or want any type of relationship with me, in her eyes I’ve made too many mistakes. I – I used to think the reason she didn’t want me to adopt her was because she thought her mom would come back and she wanted to seem loyal but it turns out she has always knew or thought her mom wouldn’t come back. Her decision was solely based on not wanting a thing to do with me, not wanting to be my daughter, not taking love offered because it was me offering it,” I hang my head back. I knew she was feeling something about this situation, and I hated finding out like this but still. My phone buzzes, “Hello,” I answer moving away from the window, leaving Oakley’s room, “Mr. Lawson, this is The Hill School calling about your son Benjamin Lawson…”