Chapter 220

“Can you tell us what you mean?” “She said what kind of mother would leave a little girl for some guy. I was seven years old. Then dad threw away pictures of mom. Around the same time, her mom was at our house, and asked Sarah when she would start to make this her home, show dad that she really wanted to be there…” I paused remembering the night they were under my bedroom window speaking outside, “Sarah told dad that she would feel better, more at home if dad changed this. The way it was… It was decorated by my mom and it wasn’t her style.” I avoid my dads’ questioning eyes, “They were on the porch underneath my bedroom window, I was listening,” I closed my eyes remembering, “Sarah said ‘How are Oakley and Ben supposed to embrace me as a friend or mother figure Pat when you have so many reminders of the woman that left you, left them?’ That this was a new start for everyone.” “She said that she knows it’ll take time, but she wanted to have a good relationship with us, like he had with Amelia…” Her saying that and the way she tried made it hard to hate her, so I did try to give her chances but it was always one step forward, two steps back until I couldn’t even force myself to try and accept her. Now I was just… “So you were upset she was taking your moms place and your mom could come back-” I shook my head not meeting anyone’s eyes. This wasn’t a question she asked me about before. “You don’t think it’s a possibility that your mom could come back?” I could feel Dad and uncle Grant looking at me. “Mom isn’t coming back, no amount of love can bring her back, but Sarah came in and changed everything, made herself comfortable in my home. She talks badly about my mom, like she’s better than her, but she’ll never be as strong, brave or smart as my mom. She’ll never love daddy or Ben more than my mom, and I don’t want her. I don’t want her as a mom, as someone to look up to, or as a friend. She’s welcomed to her opinion of Momma, but I never hear daddy talking bad about Amelia’s birth dad, and he left her before she was even born. He didn’t even want to try to be her dad." "I can’t love someone that talks badly about my mom, she and mom weren’t friends, she doesn’t know who mom was,” I said my eyes watering, hurting that no one knew just who my mom was. Just what happened that night, talking about her like she was lower than dirt when that’s not who she was at all… I looked up at Dr. Wagner, “No one is perfect, but she bad mouths mom. I can’t respect her, I can’t look up to someone that listens to rumors and I won’t give her a chance when not only does she do all that, her entire family talks about my mom like they knew her… I don’t matter to myself, but Sarah and Amelia don’t matter to me either…” I try to explain but it’s not coming out right. The taunts hurt me, but the only way I can make them not hurt as bad as they do is to make sure I don’t care for them. It would be worse then. If it was dad calling mom all those bad names… I don’t say more, just knit and twist my hands on my lap nervously, knowing we’re going to discuss my safety plan. “Dr. Wagner cleared her throat, giving me a moment, “Do you doubt her love for your dad or Ben?” I shook my head, the tears falling. “You-” “I don’t-” “Go ahead Oakley,” she encouraged me. When I don’t start speaking right away Dr. Wagner helps me along, “Is this about your Safety Plan? The small goal and options I asked you to think of?” I nodded thankful. “Okay… so why don’t you tell us what we can do to help you? What you want to do for yourself? Techniques you’ve thought of that will help you when you’re feeling overwhelmed or down?” “I don’t want to live with her anymore, I – I want to live with uncle Grant,” I whispered; only concentrating on Dr. Wagner. I didn’t want dad to be sad but I just… I needed to be away from her. “Bee…” dad murmured sadly, swallowing, his blue eyes red, watery and his Adams apple bobbed but he didn’t say more than that. I turned to uncle Grant, “Can I?” I asked not getting my hopes up, but he’s been begging me to tell him what’s wrong unlike everyone else. He flicked his eyes towards dad, “That can be an option…” he said after a few tense moments and I felt lighter, I released a breath I didn’t even realize I was holding in my chest. “You have a home Oakley-” did I really? It didn’t seem that way. I knew that I had more than most people have, and that I shouldn’t be selfish but to feel as unwanted as I did, in my own home… didn’t seem like much of an option. Of a good way to live. I could’ve gone to the boarding school – Foxcroft School – it was only a few miles away from dad and Ben, but after this… I doubt they’d okay it, when they hadn’t before. So I just sighed, “I love you daddy, but I dislike Sarah more than I love you,” his heart raced and for that tiny moment I could hear it, I’m startled. I’m not supposed to be able to do that… how can I do that? Dad nodding brings me back, “You have to stay here a few more days Oakley but maybe after you’ve done more talking, we can try bringing in Sarah and talk as a family, maybe you’ll have a change-” I looked at Dr. Wagner, who actually nodded in encouragement, ‘Oakley, you can’t say what you think people want to hear, you’ve done that for six years, it didn’t make you happy, did it?’ the conversation from yesterday clear in my mind, “Daddy, the chance of me having a change of heart is as likely as you giving birth…” Ugly green meets, shiny blue, “Oak… you know… I think the real person you’re angry with is me,” dad heaves, shuddering as he exhales. I shake my head at him, “uh uh, you’ve never said bad things about mom, you just tell everyone that she left you… I’ve never heard you say that it was for another person. I understand you let Sarah change things because you love her, you adopted Amelia because you love her as well-” “I love you as well Oak,” he said his voice thick of emotion, blue eyes begging unbelieving green. “Oak you can’t just give in without letting us all try-” “Dad, we’ve been trying for six years, I’m all tried out. I don’t have the energy to try anymore, to try and not let her words hurt me. It’s not my home anymore-” I didn’t want to finish answering, I didn’t want to have this battle. “Bumblebee, can I ask you something?” dad said after a beat, I dipped my head slowly. “Why aren’t you mad at your mom for leaving?” my heart skipped and the stupid machine I was hooked up to beeped quickly, making me pant twice before I settled. He hadn’t asked me something like that for a long time now, and I – for a moment couldn’t think of any answer that would do all the secrets I was holding – moms and mine – justice so I went with what I knew. What I started to faced seven years ago when I could piece everything together, enough to remember just what happened that night, “Because she loved me, you and Ben, but no amount of love I have for her will bring her back.”