Chapter 6 Blood on the Wall
Calix Pov
I kicked the door shut behind me so hard the whole frame rattled. The sound echoed through my room but I didn't care. I twisted the lock with shaking hands, leaned my back against the door. My chest was heaving like I'd just run a marathon.
My wolf was going crazy inside my head, thrashing and clawing. Howling so loud I thought my skull might split open.
"Go back!" he snarled. "Claim her! She's ours!"
"Shut up," I growled through my teeth. "Just shut up."
"She's our mate! We found her! We have to go back!"
"I said shut up!"
But he wouldn't listen. He kept pushing, he kept clawing at my insides like he could force his way out. Like he could take control and drag us back to her, the need to go back to her was so strong it hurt. My whole body ached with it.
I roared. Drove my fist into the wall next to the door, the plaster cracked. Pain exploded in my knuckles but it felt good, i punched again. Harder. The skin on my knuckles split, blood smeared across the white paint.
Each hit sent fresh pain up my arm but I didn't stop, i couldn't stop. The physical pain was better than the other kind. It was better than feeling the pull toward her, better than wanting something I couldn't have.
My wolf howled in rage. In frustration. "Why are you doing this? She's ours! The Moon Goddess gave her to us!"
I sank to the floor. My back slid down the door until I was sitting with my knees up. My knuckles were dripping blood onto the carpet. Red drops that spread into dark stains. I was breathing so hard my lungs burned.
"We can't have her," I said out loud. My voice sounded rough and broken. "Don't you understand that?"
"Why not?" my wolf demanded. "She's perfect. I felt it, you felt it too. The bond is strong."
"That's exactly why we can't," I said. I stared at my bloody hands. "Because of what I am. What we are."
"We're her mate!"
"We're cursed!" I shouted. "We kill everything we love! Everyone! Did you forget about Mom?"
My wolf went quiet.
"I was eight years old," I said. The words tasted bitter. "Eight. I loved her so much. I just wanted to hug her but when I shifted for the first time I couldn't control it. I couldn't stop the rage. I tore her apart right in front of Dad."
Silence.
"And Marcus," I continued. My little brother's name hurt to say. "He was six, just a baby. He looked up to me, followed me everywhere. One day I lost control during training, i nearly killed him. Would have if Dad hadn't pulled me off, now he's in the hospital wing. He has been for three years. Still hasn't woken up."
My wolf whimpered.
"Even the dog," I said. "Remember? I was twelve. It was just a puppy, i petted it too hard during a shift and broke its neck without meaning to."
"That's not going to happen with her," my wolf insisted. But he sounded less sure now. "She's our mate. The bond will protect her."
"Will it?" I asked. "Or will it just make it worse when I inevitably hurt her? When the curse takes her like it took everyone else?"
"You don't know that will happen."
"Yes I do," I said flatly. "It always happens. Everyone I love dies or gets hurt because of me. That's my curse, that's what the Moon Goddess decided I deserve."
"So what are we supposed to do?" my wolf asked. His voice was small now and sad. "Just ignore her? Pretend we didn't find her?"
"Yes," I said. "That's exactly what we do."
"That will hurt worse than anything. Fighting the mate bond will destroy us."
"Better us than her," I said. I looked at my bloody knuckles. The skin was already starting to heal. In an hour there wouldn't even be a scar but the damage I'd done to Mom would never heal. Marcus would never wake up, that puppy was still buried in the backyard.
"If I go near her," I said quietly, "my curse will take her too. She'll end up dead or broken like everyone else. Is that what you want?"
My wolf didn't answer.
"The only way to keep her safe is to never let her close," I continued. "Never touch her or talked to her, never give in to what we feel."
"That's not living," my wolf said. "That's torture."
"I know," I said. "But it's what has to happen. Because I'd rather spend the rest of my life in pain than watch her die because of me."
My wolf curled up in the back of my mind. He was still angry and hurting. But he knew I was right, we both knew.
I pressed my forehead against my knees and closed my eyes, but all I could see was her face. Those eyes when she looked up at me, the red mark on her cheek from Simone's slap. The way she stood there and took it without fighting back.
She was strong. I could tell, something about her was different and special. My wolf recognized it even if I didn't fully understand it yet. But it didn't matter how special she was. It didn't matter that she was mine. It didn't matter that every cell in my body was screaming at me to go back to her.
I couldn't.
Tomorrow I'd see her around campus. In classes maybe. In the dining hall. Every time would hurt. Every time I'd want to go to her, to claim her in front of everyone. To tell Simone and the whole school that I found my mate and she was perfect.
But I wouldn't.
I'd walk past her. Ignore her, act like she didn't exist. It would kill me slowly but better me than her.
I stood up, went to the bathroom and washed the blood off my hands. I watched the red water swirl down the drain, in the mirror I looked tired and old. Like I'd aged ten years in one day.
"This is for her own good," I told my reflection. "To keep her safe."