Chapter 49

DESOLATE.

Clarissa.

That night, I hiked to a brook in the woods, I sat there and I wept — I cursed at my reflection and I tore at my hair in despair. I had never much hated myself than I did then. There was so much anger, so much sadness, so much chaos building in my chest. I was like a mother who had rid their child of their love. Only that this time, I was mother and child in one body. I was pining for something, yet it was I who took it away. I knew where it was hidden, and the path to find it, but I stayed at a place and ground my teeth.

The splashes of the brook, rippled in an aesthetic sadness that made me want to go under it and hold my breath. I wanted to match my sadness to it and check which would overthrow the other. To know if passersby would be drawn to this lake, not by my corpse, but by the art I would have created. Would it still have been called drowning if there was no struggle between the water and I? If I just let it take me as it’s own.

I agree that I was incredibly stupid, for contemplating suicide, like it was some sonata, with Cisca, Nolle, and all the people I had gathered to give a place to belong — “A place for us.” They would have felt desolate, and deceived. And I would have been a liar if I gave them hope and robbed them of it again.

I was washed down by a heavy tiredness that made my bones creak like rusted hinges of a metal door. I sat down, tears still in my eyes. And I was carried off into a deep incomprehensible slumber. I my dreams I was stuck in a web of unending chaos. But as I tried to free myself from whatever creature was holding me hostage, it turned out that I was the creature — I was my own villain, and the only way to save myself was by removing myself. To cease to exist completely. How selfish I was, even in my dreams.

In my dreams, I began to dream, and in those dreams, I opened up more dream realms. I was running farther away from myself. If I was not going to allow myself love, then I was not going to allow myself anything else. I thought of Jason, but he was now very far away. Far, in a world of his own grief — mourning a love that was never given a chance to bloom. I was a monster.

Amber Hart:

A sense of unease settled upon me as I felt the distress radiating from Clarissa through our pack bonds. Although I was human, I had slight psychic abilities that helped me read people’s emotions, and also detect danger. Mirian and Elliot called minutes later and confirmed my fears, and I knew we had to act swiftly to ensure her safety. The bond we shared compelled us to protect one another, to never leave a pack member behind.

With urgency in our hearts, Mirian, Elliot, Jericho, and I set out to search for Clarissa. The woods seemed to hold their breath as we weaved through the trees, our senses attuned to any sign of her presence. Time became irrelevant as we walked the familiar paths, We needed to fix d the one who gave us a home, and bring her home.

Clarissa was the closest toe in the pack, and I loved her because she loved wholly for what I was. I had been dumbstruck when she allowed become what no human had ever ventured to become. I needed to know she was safe.

As we combed the woods, I could read the presence of Clarissa by a peaceful brook, and a flicker of hope ignited within me when we discovered Clarissa, her human form slumbering by the brook. Gently, we woke her from her restless sleep, our presence a comforting presence in the midst of her despair. With the pack surrounding her, we formed a protective circle, their love and support a shield against the darkness that threatened to consume her. I could sense it, the pain in her that surpassed the physical, it was the kind of pain that only love could conjure.

:

Clarissa:

I had thought I was dead, when I was called out of my slumber and found the members of my pack all around me in a protective circle. I did have a reason to love after all, and they were here for me.

When the morning arrived, the weight of the night still heavy on my heart. Amber Hart approached me, her gaze filled with compassion and understanding. She spoke softly, her words weaving their way into the cracks of my broken soul. I had always known that there was something special about Amber since the first day I met her. It was like her eyes were magnifying glasses through which she saw the soul. It was impossible to hide things from Amber, I felt named before her, as she stared me up and down during breakfast.

Nolle had been scared sick, and I was grateful that nobody told her that I had had suicidal intentions. She would have been justified in hating me for the rest of her life.

Back to Amber, she sat across from me, with her dark eyes focused on my pulsing hear.

“Clarissa, you deserve to be loved,” she said, her voice brimming with sincerity. “

That night, Amber would escort me to bed and we would talk about Jason, she made say all the things that made me like him, and by the time I was done, I was as pink as a peach — I already loved Jason, I loved him so much that I was surprised by myself, I had no idea when I fell so deeply in love with him. At a point I began to wonder if Amber’s powers had the capability to heighten my true feelings if she had made me a sucker for him, just so she could save my life. Deep down, I knew the truth — that I was not possessed, or being manipulated, or under some spell cast in a love potion by an aged witch, I was simply in love — the sort of love that ached your heart when you we to bed at night, the sort of love that you were sure that it was an ailment you needed to be rid of. The sort of love that could eventually ruin you.