Chapter 48

ANGER OR LOVE.

Jason:

The next morning, before I even knew what was happening, Clarissa had packed her things and left. I woke up devastated, finding her room empty. After addressing my pack, I had my bath at a stream and headed back towards the city, downcast. Why had I let things get as serious this — did she hate so much now that she didn’t even want to see my face or be around me.

On the next day, she came to work normally to take care of my grandma and I was hopeful that she might at least talk to me or at least explain why she had left so early without any notice.

“Good morning Clarissa.” I called to her, and she replied:

“Good morning.” She said curtly and walked out of my face, pretending to be really busy with my Grandma’s hot flask. I had ruined it all, I missed when we would talk for hours as my grandma snored peacefully in her bedroom — satisfied. Or the dinners we had together just before we left for the council meeting. I missed the laughter and the tears, I missed the banter with Cisca. I missed their company so much that it felt like I was the loneliest man on earth. :

The emptiness in my heart only grew with each passing day. Clarissa had left without a word, leaving me feeling lost and confused. I couldn’t understand why she had distanced herself so suddenly. Had I done something wrong? The questions haunted me, but I couldn’t find any answers.

Every day, I went about my duties as the Alpha, trying to maintain a semblance of normalcy. But inside, my heart ached for her presence. I missed her laughter, her warmth, and the way she understood me like no one else ever had. I longed to talk to her, to find out what had gone wrong, but my attempts to reach out were met with silence.

The pain of her absence gnawed at me, consuming my thoughts. I yearned for her forgiveness, for a chance to make things right. But she seemed determined to avoid me at all costs. I wondered if she had come to hate me so much that she couldn’t even stand the sight of me.

Clarissa:

Leaving Jason’s home was one of the hardest things I had ever done. I had allowed myself to fall for him, to believe that there could be something between us. But the truth was that I couldn’t let myself get too close. It was slowly morphing into a monster that I could not control anymore. It all began when at night at Jason’s pack, I sat by a group fire warming up, and casting brief glances at Jason who was addressing his pack and guffawing at some hilarious jokes and drinking beer.

I sat thinking, if it were Jason being carried off by the executioner, would I have done the same thing? And I could picture myself clearly — jumping to his rescue and begging them to take me instead. I would not want to live in a world where Jason wasn’t — and I could have done something to save him, but I didn’t. It was simply unthinkable.

Each day, I went to work for Grandma Carter, pouring my heart into taking care of her. I tried my best to avoid Jason, to shield myself from the pain of being near him. But the ache in my heart was undeniable. I missed him, his smile, and the way he made me feel alive.

However, I knew that giving in to my feelings would only lead to heartbreak. I couldn’t let myself be swayed by the intensity of our connection.

Sometimes I had to stop myself from reaching out to him, and drawing him in for a tight hug. To tell him that I loved him and that everything was going to be alright.

Nolle was on a break, so I pleaded with her to take my place at least for a day in taking care of Grandma Carter.

Nolle:

Since Clarissa’s return from the council meeting, she had not remained the same. She had returned alive and with good news but something was obviously wrong with her. She was absentminded most of the time and apart from performing her motherly duties, she slept a lot, as though she were trying to escape from reality.

One morning as I bathed Cisca for school, she walked into the bathroom

“Nolle, I have a favor to ask of you.”

“What is it Clarissa, I’d do anything.”

“Um, let me take care of Cisca, please I need you to take my place at work today, can you do that for me?”

As I took over Clarissa’s duties during her absence, I couldn’t help but notice the tension between Jason and her. It was evident that something had gone terribly wrong between them. I cared for both of them deeply, and it pained me to see them in such turmoil. I had tried to talk to Clarissa about what it is that was eating her up, but my efforts to get to open up was futile.

Jason. :

Unable to bear the silence any longer, I was devastated when the nest day Nolle came to work in her stead. I decided to go to Clarissa’s home. The fear that something was seriously wrong gripped me, overshadowing my own heartache. I needed to find her, to make sure she was okay.

When I arrived at her doorstep, I could sense her reluctance to let me in. But I couldn’t give up.

“Clarissa, please let me in.”

Desperation filled my voice as I pleaded with her to talk to me, to give me a chance to explain, even though I did not quite understand what my offense was. When she finally looked receptive to my words, I sat on an armchair close to her.

“What’s going Clarissa? I’ve missed you. I was scared shitless when I came to my Grandma’s house thus morning and I couldn’t find you.”

“I’m sorry I scared you Jason, I am fine. I just needed some time away.” She said, could she not see how desperate I was for her to talk to me? Not just to talk to me but to be present here with me.

“Clarissa, I—thought of why I would give up my life for you. I thought about it so much, and it’s simply because I did not want to live without you, I cannot even bear to think about it.”

I drew closer to her and took her hands into mine.

“Clarissa, I love you. I love you so much that it feels like a hole is in my chest when you’re not here.”

I was on the verge of tears, but it seemed that my love was not sufficient to thaw the ice that Clarissa had shielded her heart in.

“Don’t.” She said, retrieving her hands from mine.

“Don’t do this to yourself Jason, don’t love me.”

It felt as though a piece of my soul had been torn away. With a heavy heart, I turned away, leaving her sitting there, my love unrequited.

Clarissa’s rejection cut deep, leaving me shattered. The weight of it followed me back home, where I retreated into my solitude. The emptiness in my heart was unbearable, and I wondered if I would ever be able to move on from the pain of losing her.