Chapter 36

A heart or an Ad?

Clarissa.

It took Jason three days to finally get back to me, during and after which he grew distant. I was worried that I had finally driven him off with my cold, unreceptive attitude, and at the same time I was happy that I didn’t have to say no to him myself—it would have been wicked not only to him but mostly to myself. I wanted him desperately. But my inner self was screaming, No, Like a driver with faulty brakes, speeding towards a boulder. No. No. No. Goddess save me.

I had worked all day without coming across Jason; I no longer had any issues with Grandma Carter; she could now move a little distance and was now kind and soft-spoken towards me; she even asked after Cisca from time to time; Jason had spoken to her as discussed, and I was greatly relieved from the strenuous act of dodging bitter invectives.

I missed Jason’s company so much, but I was not about to go and beg for it; I would never have done that. I was a rejected mate, but I still had a little bit of pride brewing in me. In the afternoon, I took my customary break to go and pick Cisca up from school (Nolle was very busy these days). I was about to leave when I heard Jason’s voice calling out to me:

“Clarissa! Wait up!” he called, and my heart did a little flip of recognition.

“Hey Jason, I am on my way to go pick Cisca up. What’s up?”

“I want us to discuss the pack thing you told me about; you can hop in my car, and I’ll drive you to Cisca’s car while we discuss. Is it fine by you?” He asked.

Sure, it’s fine; let’s go then.” I was flustered when we walked up to his car, and he held the doors open for me. It was a stupid thing to be flustered about, but it felt okay to be stupid.

“You didn’t have to do that; I can open doors myself, you know.” I said that and slid into his car.

“I have to, and you know it,” he countered, and went round to the driver’s seat and got in.

“I don’t know it.” I said.

“Clarissa? Are you angry with me?” He asked, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel.

“Is there a reason I should be angry with you?” I questioned him, looking away from his face and out the car windows.

“I don’t know; you sound pissed, and you can’t even look me in the eyes. Is there something I did wrong?” He pressed. Was he trying to kill me? My heart drummed loudly against its cage.

“Well, you’ve been avoiding me,” I mumbled, still looking out the windows to hide my bright red flush.

“You’ve been avoiding me too, Clarissa.” He said.

“It’s alright then.” I said it curtly.

“Aww, c’mon, I didn’t mean it that way; I’ve just been really confused about a lot of things lately, Clarissa.”

I hated the way I loved my name on his lips. I hated that I was fighting so much against something I was drawn to—II was a sunflower shying away from the sun. Get your shit together, Clarissa; this isn’t the time to get soft; you have to be stable for yours and your daughter’s sake.

“It’s alright, Jason. It was ridiculous of me to bring this up; we’re not kids after all. Let’s talk of more important things.”

“I think what you feel is important, at least to me.” He said,

“I mean it, Jason. Let’s get this over with.” I had closed up my well of chaotic emotions. I had gotten myself together.

“Fine then.” Jason said, and he slid the key into the ignition. We drove off, and I directed him towards the school, and as we went, we discussed the new pack I had suggested.

Jason.

With the air conditioner on, the air between Clarissa and me was still intense and warm. Of course I had been avoiding her; I was literally going crazy and didn’t know what to feel anymore. There was also the crippling fear of rejection that loomed over me like a ghoul, tormenting my every thought. I had to know there was absolutely no chance of her refusing me. I had to know that she felt the same way I did. All I had gotten were signs of uncertainty. Who knows? Maybe she even had a lover where she came from. I had never ventured to ask about her past or about her child; I wanted that discussion to come when she wanted. I hated being nosy.

As we drove, she told me more about the wolves she had encountered, from the children in Cisca’s school to the wolf who had been in an accident and any others she had had the chance to come across.

Who would have thought that human territory was this teeming with wolves? It’s funny how the world ends up mixing up no matter the severances.

“Firstly, since we’re in the city, I suggest that we make good use of the internet. A lot of the wolves here are already accustomed to the technology. It’s a faster way to gather all of the wolves.” I said this to Clarissa, who was listening intently.

“Isn’t the internet public? We’re supposed to be secret, you know. And I am yet to get the hang of the whole internet thing.” She said her face was filled with worry.

“I am going to help you. And as for the secrecy, that won’t be a problem. The internet is like a market place, and it is surprisingly easier to hide things in a crowded open space like that.” I stated.

“Would you mind explaining how this would work?” asked a confused Clarissa.

“We’ll start with an open ad, then morph discreetly into a secured website, where we will filter the chaff from the wheat.”

“Sounds plausible enough, so when do we start?”

“When do we start? We can start right now if you would love to.” I replied that we had reached the gate of Cisca’s school, and parents were trooping out dutifully with their energetic children, skipping in pursuit of thin air. I stretched my hands towards Clarissa.

“what?”

“Give me your phone.”

“Right now? We can do this tomorrow; I’m really nervous right now.”

She said, and I was kind of glad; at least I had a reason to talk with her tomorrow.