Chapter 25 I Don't Want To Say Something I shouldn't
Corran
“Do you want to stay in here or go to the living room?” I ask.
I don’t even know how to start this conversation in a way that would make it seem like it is April’s fault. It all started once she came to my office for lunch, but how people reacted was not her fault.
“We can go to the living room and drink our coffee while we talk,” April answers with a smile.
I am not good at saying what I am feeling, but I will. I feel horrible for snapping at her. I didn’t mean to. It is a defence mechanism. Anyone who tries to get too close, my walls go up, and my asshole side comes out, even if the other person doesn’t deserve it. I can be selfish sometimes, even if not on purpose.
I nod, and we head to the livingroom, grabbing our coffee. I am nervous as we sit down. My knee begins to bounce up and down. April reaches over and places her hand on my knee, the same way she did in the bedroom only moments ago.
I draw in a breath and turn to her. April stares at me through her pretty eyes and long lashes. My breath catches in my throat for a second.
“Take your time. Talk when you are ready. We have all day.” She smiles and squeezes my knee.
“Thank you.”
April is close, so close. If I moved only a couple of inches, I could reach her lips to mine. No! I can’t deal with these thoughts again. I shake my head and sit back on the sofa, putting a little distance between us and take a sip of my coffee.
April sighs and does the same. I have a feeling she sensed I moved for a reason. Silence falls between us as I try to prepare myself to talk to her. With a deep breath, I decided just to go for it before the silence between us gets awkward.
“Yesterday, after you came to the office for lunch, things got weird, maybe weird isn’t the right word. People kept asking me who you were. Asking if I was finally dating again or had a girlfriend. It all got a little too much for me to handle.” I sigh and run my fingers through my hair.
“I am so sorry, Corran. I shouldn’t have come.” April whimpers.
Shit! I should have worded that better!
“You have nothing to be sorry for, April. You done nothing wrong. People just don’t know how to stay out of other people’s business. It set me off because it is the first time people have actually asked me that question since you are the first woman to visit me at work since Edin. It got a little overwhelming, but it has nothing to do with you. I promise, so please don’t feel bad. Anyway, from there, my day just sort of spiralled.”
“The next time, I will call first, or you can come meet me somewhere. I don’t want people getting at you or getting the wrong idea because of me. I am sorry I caused you some stress.”
I turn to face her. “I liked having you there. You never cause me stress. Those nosy assholes at work did.” I chuckle.
April laughs. “Yes, people are so nosy. So that is why you ended up wasted?”
I nod. “Yes, it all got me thinking about the last time I was with a woman and about Edin. The thing is, I got so annoyed at everyone, but Edin told me before she passed that I was to find someone else, or even date. She was firm about it. It is like everyone wants me to move on, but me. I could never move on if I did start dating again.” I ramble.
“I am sure she wanted to you find happiness and love again, Corran. There is nothing wrong with that, well, when you are ready.”
“I know, but I don’t know when or if I will be. Did Corbin tell you the same?”
April nods, but there is a sadness to her. “He did, in my dreams. I didn’t get to say goodbye to him.”
I couldn’t even imagine how hard that would have been. I was lucky enough to say goodbye to Edin. The last words we said to one another was I love you. It would have killed me if I didn’t get to say goodbye.
“I am so sorry, April. That must have been difficult.”
“It was. I wish I could have said goodbye to him, you know?”
“Yes, it may have made things a little easier.”
I should have thought before speaking. I know he got killed, obviously, she didn’t get to say goodbye because she didn’t know she would lose him.
“It would have, but we can’t change the past, sadly, no matter how much we would like to.”
I can see the tears brim in her eyes. Without even thinking about it, I lean in and hug her. I expect her to fight against it, but she doesn’t. April buries her face in my neck and hugs back. I close my eyes, enjoying the closeness between us. Her scent tickles my nose. It must be her shampoo. I can’t put my finger on what scent it is, but it is sweet and fruity, maybe watermelon or strawberry, something like that.
The hug lasts a moment before April pulls away first. When she does, we are almost face-to-face. Her lips being so close are tempting me, but I will fight against it. We are supposed to be talking. I am not supposed to be thinking about kissing her again. As much as I hate to admit, our first and only kiss is still fresh in my mind. I swear my lips tingle when I think about it.
“Sorry, we were supposed to be talking about you.”
“I don’t mind. You say you are there for me if I need to talk. It goes both ways, April.” I smile and reach in and stroke the hair from her face, but quickly draw my hand away when I realise what I am doing, “Sorry.” I add in a whisper.
April smiles. “It is okay. So, what else is on your mind?”
Oh, I wonder what she would say if I told her all the thoughts running through my mind right now are about her. It is thoughts I haven’t had about a woman since Edin. Ones that I never thought I would be thinking again.
“Um, not, I don’t think so.” I don’t sound very convincing.
April raises her brow at me. “Are you sure?”
“I am.” I lie.
I have said enough. If I keep talking, words may slip from my lips that I don’t want to. We should stop here and change the topic of conversation altogether; it is for the best.
April doesn’t look convinced, but nods her head. “You could always just tell everyone you are dating again, even if you aren’t. It will get them off your back.” She suggests.
“Maybe…”
It is no one’s business, but she does have a point; it may make everyone back off. It is something else that I need to think about.