Chapter 177: Not fine at all
A drawn car horn in the streets far below jolted me from my dreams. To my left, the mattress was cold and empty. The hell of being in love and waking up alone was too much for me to bear. I couldn't handle it. Not now that I have lost everything.
But what struck me hardest was the faint, lingering scent on the sheets, something earthy and sharp that always clung to Andrey Volkov, I tried to shake it off, blaming exhaustion for making me imagine things.
When I dragged my feet out of the bed, the sun was blazing through the window. The time on my bedside clock told me I had slept for twelve hours. It still didn't feel like enough.
I dug through my bag, looking for my phone out of habit. Of course the battery was out, and I sighed at the thought of what would be waiting for me once it came back on. Still I plugged it in and hopped into the shower while it was charging.
Under the scalding spray of water, my bones turned to jelly and I melted against the tile. I let the burning water turn my skin red, and I scrubbed until my flesh was raw. Anything not to feel the pain in my chest and to distract me from the poisonous thoughts in my mind.
~ Alone~ Alone~ ALONE..
In the silence, my thoughts screamed at me, shouting like a banshee.. Those negative thoughts bounced inside my skull like a stray bullet ricocheting off every corner of my brain. I needed to turn of those feelings. All of them gnawing away at me. Clawing at me. Tearing me to pieces.
Isn't it funny how the chill of despair numbs everything but grief? I could light this room on fire and despite the glorious burn, I would still be cold to the boner.
Dressing in a thick hoodie and a leftover pair of leggings from my dresser, I tried to fight off the chill that was coming from inside of me. I found some instant coffee in my cupboard, weeks away from expiring and made myself a steaming cup. As I finally settled into my couch with black coffee, I heard my phone buzzing wildly at the end of my charger on the windowsill to my right.
A painful flutter hit my chest when I saw Andrey Volkov’s name all over my screen. Dozens of texts and missed calls obscuring all the other notifications. The phone buzzed again, and I yelped dropping it from my fingers onto my lap.
Andrey was calling me again. Even now, on top of all the hours, he tried to contact me through the night and this morning. But a heavy boulder of pain had settled into my chest. My lip trembled and I felt the pinpricks of more tears behind my eyes.
It rang and rang until finally it again went to voicemail. Seconds later, I got the notification of another voicemail, then another text.
But I ignored everything.
At this moment of time, I felt lonely in love , because I knew the impossibility of it. Overwhelmed because I cannot live up to the task. I was feeling like I could only fail. I needed to hide myself. To hide from Andrey.
But I couldn't help myself. In these moments of weakness, while I felt so dreadfully alone, I still desired his presence and comfort. I knew he could provide. My trembling hand lifted up the phone, and I pressed play on the first voicemail, he left me last night.
\[ Elena I don't know what's going on, but I'm here for you, Alright? \]
He sighed into the speaker. "Please call me when you get this",
Then another ;
\[ Please Elena, call me. I'm so fucking worried about you. Where are you? \]
\[ Elena it's too late and you haven't come home. What's going on? \] Most of his messages were along the same lines. And they were many of them.
As the messages went on, I heard the strain in his voice . The fatigue as he begged in each voicemail after for me to answer him, to call him and let him know I'm alive. And it felt like a knife twisting between my ribs, but I couldn't stop. I listened to every single message, falling into the soothing tone of that deep voicing hiding the Russian accent.
But mixed into that voice was a low rumble, like a growl beneath his words. A strange tension that tugged at something deep in my stomach.
\[ Elena, I'm worried about you. I miss you. I just hope you okay \]
His voice in the last message broke my heart. It sounded as if he hadn't slept all night.
A defeated sigh left my mouth, and i sagged into my tiny couch. I turned my head and caught sight of the box of papa's belongings to my left. More sorrow flooded through me, and I choked on the air in my lungs.
Andrey and i had a contract that I'm sure I was breaking by deliberately ignoring him. There could be consequences to not responding and keeping him away. What they were, I didn't know and right now, I couldn't think about it. That was a headache for a later date.
All I could think about was that I needed Andrey in my life. Needed him to wrap his arms around me, to hold me and whisper sweetly in my ear that everything would be okay and we would find a way to be together. But I couldn't have that.
What hurt the most was loving him and keeping him locked out. Especially when this is the time, I needed him mostly. I wished to have Andrey at my side for this nightmare, but I needed to face the reality that whatever was between us was just a contract.
Just because I had feeling for Andrey, didn't mean that he did. That he could ever return them. It was just a contract, after all. It would make sense that he would call me all night, trying to find his expensive runway live in fuck toy.
Those thoughts didn't stop me from listening to his most recent message repeatedly.
\[ Elena, I'm worried about you. I miss you. I just hope you're okay", \]
I wasn't okay. I was far from it. My body was an amalgamation of suffering and agony.