Chapter 8: Chapter Eight

Later on that day, I had English last. The lesson went well and smooth. We were now discussing the meanings behind why people like to write poems. I yawned throughout most of it, sorry but I really just wasn't interested. I mean, if you're not interested in something you're obviously not going to listen or learn from it, are you?

Mr Dubens spent most of the lesson explaining the meanings behind why people write poems. He seemed so deep in thought about it, every time he spoke to explained to the class he went into such deep detail. I mean, no wonder he was an English teacher. I don't know about you but in my opinion, I reckon he'd make a fine author. I couldn't quite pinpoint what it was about him, it was the way complicated yet really delicate words just rolled off his tongue so naturally.

The way he spoke...

His voice was beautiful...

"Err, Mr Dubens?" I spoke hesitantly, walking slowly towards his desk as everyone else piled out in big groups.

Mr Dubens looked up from his laptop, his eyes slowly meeting mine. "Yes, Alice?"

"I was wondering if I could talk to you..." I mumbled. He smiled a boyish smile, "What about?"

"Umm...the s-s-cars." I stuttered. I was kind of desperate to talk this out with him. I felt uncomfortable about the fact that he had seen them, and I had to explain. His expression instantly changed in a concerned one, "I'm always here if you need to talk."

I nodded understandingly, "Yes....but...er..."

"What?"

"Did you...er...did you tell anyone?" I asked hesitantly. He looked at me with a blank expression, so I added, "About my scars."

He shook his head immediately, "No, Alice. I didn't. I told you I wouldn't interfere. I keep my promises."

I let out a sigh of relief and pull my hood up over my head, "Thank you, Sir."

Before I knew it, the week was soon over, Friday was here. Friday, I didn't have English. I spent most of the day on my own. I tried my best to avoid Natasha and Dylan, even though I felt so guilty for cutting them both off like I did. I did a really terrible thing, using Dylan like I did. Who does that? You have to be a really, really messed up person to do that! I was one of those people. I mean, what the fuck? He was one of my best friends, who I had known ever since primary. It's just pure sick to do that. It was as if I had assaulted him or raped him.

By the end of school, I made arrangements to meet up with a old mate. Translation: drug dealer! Yes, I admit I'm ashamed about it but it's the only thing that takes away my problems, just for a few hours. They just disappear. I can forget my family and everything else that is a pile of shit in my life.

I speed walk out of the school gates and hide round the corner of the back-alley way. I only have to wait five minutes until he arrives.

He's dressed in a dark black track suite with blue matching trainers. His hood is up, covering his face well. Except, once he steps a few more foot towards me I can see his face quite clearly.

"You alright?" He asks in a deep voice. His eyes are a dark blue, his face pale and deathly white lips. It's so clear he's on some crack himself, but obviously I already know that. We've been dealing I shake my head, "Shit." He smirks and hands me a small package. I feel it in my hand as I stare down at it. The White powdery mix sits within the plastic material. God, it's tempting. "That should tide you over." He spoke in a low voice. I dig my hand into my inner blazer pocket and pull out a twenty-pound note.

"Cheers." He says and then quickly makes a run for it down the other end of the alley way. Turning away, I slip the package into my inner blazer pocket. God, I'm going to get so out of my head tonight.

Later that night...

"Miss Harrison, please just sit the fuck down!" I groan as I lay on the sofa, my eyes glued to the telly. I wish she didn't keep coming round and cleaning up all the time, I mean, don't get me wrong it's helpful but sometimes the fuss does my head in.

"Your kitchen is filthy, Alice! And...and why are these grocery bags still sitting on this top counter!?!" She natters on as i am consumed by the rattling noises she is making as she tidies up. "Fuck sake." I murmur to myself.

"Why don't you sort these vegetables out? They'll go stail if you leave them lying in the bag like that!" She naggers once again. I roll my eyes and grab the remote. I turn the volume up to one hundred percent until it's blaring the whole fucking house down. The sound of the TV blocks out Miss Harrison's voice and sadly, it doesn't take long for her to notice what I'm doing.

"Alice? Alice!!!" She screams my name loudly over the TV but fails miserably. I smile in triumph and keep my eyes fixed on the TV screen. Suddenly, before I know it Miss Harrison stomps into the front room to the sofa where I am laying. She reaches out to grab the remote out of my hand but I flinch back and jump off of the sofa. "No way!" I laugh, clutching the remote to my chest.

She scowls at me with annoyance written all over her face. I thought my game of torment was working until Miss Harrison walked over to the TV and switched it off the screen. Fuck, how did I forget about that part? My bad.

"Oi, no fair! I was watching that!" I exclaim, throwing the remote down onto the floor like a stroppy six-year-old. Miss Harrison turns back towards me with a tired look in her eyes, "Alice, you need to get yourself together! Christ sake, girl! You're a young lady now and you're acting like a... well a bitch."

"I've always been a bitch. That's who I am, that's how I was brought up and who I've come to be. Lucky for me I except who I am as a person...unlike you!"

Suddenly, Miss Harrison's expression changes. Her eyes flare a stinging stance of anger and her chest begins to heave. Her fists clench and her lips become tight as if she's trying to contain something inside her mouth. "How dare you!" She shouted, "I have known you ever since you were eleven years old! I remember the day I found you in here alone, the front door wide open and you were sprawled on the floor next to your mother and father, crying your eyes out!" She screamed the fucking house down as she went on and I have to admit, I suddenly felt a lot more guilty than I had expected to ever feel.

"...I helped you for crying out loud! I helped you! I have been like I mother to you! And what thanks did I get? Sod all!" She continued, "...It's not as if I expect a poxy Mother's Day card from you but for God sake, just show some gratitude!" I said nothing once I noticed I was just standing silently. I didn't know what to say, or if there even was anything I could say. "You can be such a bitch sometimes! I know why you act how you act but it's not as if I don't give you the chance to open up to me so why don't you!? You selfish bitch! You selfish, selfish girl!"

"I-I'm sorry." I replied shamefully and I focused my eyes on the ground. I couldn't look at her. She was a very kind neighbour. Miss Harrison had been so good to me. She was right, she had been like a mother to me but as she said before, I never did thank her and still in that moment when she was screaming at me for the very first time, I still didn't thank her. I guess I was all for myself or maybe the coke had me hooked on self-pity. Who knows? I didn't really want to know...I was just too much of a mess in myself being to see the facts for their true selves.

"Don't worry. I'm going. I can't do this anymore, Alice. I can't keep looking after you like a ten-year-old. Your sixteen now, almost seventeen...you need to start learning how to survive on your own." I winced and turned my back on her, I couldn't look her in the eyes. It hurt me so much. I had caused half the fucking pain I was in but not once did I ever blame myself.

"...and trust me, Alice. When you are the big wide world, no one is going to be helping you then. Once someone finds out you're living here on your own you're finished. And once you enter that big wide world, you're on your own then."

With that Miss Harrison grabbed her handbag and left, slamming her door on the way out. I gulped; I was literally choking on tears. God, I needed some coke, NOW! I craved for it. My problems were getting worse and worker, it was as if there was a gap in my life. Someone was missing from my life and I was aware I had lost Dylan as a friend and pushed Natasha away, but it didn't seem as if they were who I needed. Something was missing, or rather someone. I didn't know, I was too messed up for this shit.

I made my way up to my room and slammed the door shut. I felt like pulling my fucking hair out from stress or something else! I didn't even know anymore! My entire life was wreck, and I was pushing everyone away! Why wouldn't I let anyone help me? At times I just wanted to be left well alone and no one understood that. Because that was what I was used to.

I walked over to my bed and dove my hand under my pillow. I pulled out the package of coke and tore it open. Quickly, I poured it out onto my bedside table where my lip was. Ragged breathed overcame me and my chest heaved. Get a grip, Alice. You need this.

I opened my drawer and pulled out my credit card and a straw. I used the credit card to line the white powdery mix up in a line so I could line my straw on it and snow it in one go. Once I lined it up and tossed the credit card to the side and placed the straw below my nose, the other end buried in the white powder.

Slowly I began inhaling. I closed my eyes in complete bliss, God it felt good. My nostrils flared as the coke entered my system. My brain awoke then, and my mind felt fuzzy, but it felt normal. After a few seconds, I dropped the straw and breathed out. I couldn't open my eyes properly, my nostrils flared, and my throat died for oxygen.

I felt my head fall into a daze and I suddenly became dizzy.

This was my life.