Chapter 40: Chapter Fourty

I look through the gap of a classroom door and see Ian practically fucking a young blonde in high heels. Her legs her spread out wide, her body sprawled across a classroom table, her hair matted as he runs his fingers through it. Her head is hanging back as she moans aloud, over and over and over again. Anger begins to waver through me. Oh, my fucking god... I want to say something, anything, scream at him even. Wait, why do I even care. Oh, but I do. I love him...

She's there in front of me, her bright red lipstick smeared across her face where he's been snogging her fucking face off. He is hanging over her, his lips parted as he continues to thrust. He seems eager, closely eager. He looks like he's having the time of his life. It suddenly occurs to me that maybe I wasn't his special little girl that I thought I was. I thought I was the one he thought about at night, the one he cared so much about, the one he wanted to help, to touch, to feel. All these little things he said to me, the little secret and dirty whispers. It was all a lie. All this time he's actually be fucking some random blonde. A teacher I presume. She is no student. She's young though. Probably early twenties and undeniably beautiful. Although jealousy takes over my body and I can't help but envy the pleasure she is getting from him right now. It kills me.

Suddenly I realise I've let out a small sob during my train of agonising thought, causing my small cry to echo through the gap of the door. Ian's head snaps up and our eyes meet. I step back quickly, my legs shaking. Fuck. Shit. No.

I quickly bolt away from the door, my legs moving faster than they've ever done my whole life. My heart is racing, and everything is spinning as I run down the corridor. I can hardly breathe. For a moment I'm not sure whether it's a panic attack or just the exhaustion of running.

"A-Alice! Wait! Please!" I can't faintly here Ian calling my name from behind me, but I try to block it out, disappearing down another corridor on the left and bolting round the corner towards the girl’s toilets. I think I may throw up...

When I reach the girl's toilets, I fling a cubicle door open and hang my head over the rim of the toilet, but nothing comes. Just shock shivering through my body instead. The visions of what I've just seen playing over and over. I'd rather vomit than sit and endure the terrible memories. Suddenly I feel the need to cut myself. Anything. Something. I just want a different kind of pain, one that is more physical than emotional. I don't do emotion. I don't even understand my own feelings. Why do I even care? The plan was to stay at his home for a few days until I could pass my exams and hopefully get into a college or university and pick my life back up. After this, everything feels broken and shattered all over again. I didn't realise this would bother me so much. Where has the care, the love all formed from. This is all just emotional crap, and it needs to go...

I hear footsteps from behind me and then, "Alice...?" It's him.

I freeze. Oh god. My heart begins to thud so loud in my chest that I begin to wonder if he can hear it.

"I-I'm sorry. Fuck. I'm sorry you just saw all that. I-it's not how it looked-"

"Not how it looked!?" I interrupt him, catching him off guard. His sentence fills me full of rage and I can't help but snap at him. "Are you fucking joking me!? You were fucking a teacher! A TEACHER in the school on a classroom table!" I stand up from my crouched position, telling straight up at him. "Do you even understand what it had fucking been like today, to be in your classroom without you being there! Everyone wondered where you were!! We needed you! You abandoned us and what for, to have a fuck!" Suddenly I realise I'm sounding like some middle age woman, trying to set a record straight and sounding all mature about the elements of right and wrong doings in life. Oh gosh...where has this new version of me come from.

I think Ian notices it to when the corner of his lip turns up slightly. "My...you really have grown a little." he begins to look at me with what looks like admiration, but he aggravates me all the more. "What?" I say.

"You've been growing up.... I’m so pleased..." he says, his eyes wandering around my face. He reaches out and teacher my cheek, but I jerk away. "Are you kidding me? I've seen you fucking some young teacher and you’re changing the subject to how I've changed!? Get lost!!" I walk into him, aiming to shove past him, but instead I feel his hands grip my waist and he pushes me into the cubicle, pressing my back into the inside wall. His lips rest at my ear, his breath hot on my neck.

"I was fucking her because I can't have you." I hear him whisper into my ear.

"W-what...?" I say, my legs trembling beneath me.

I feel his tongue run along the side of my neck and his bulge pressing up against me. "I was pretending that she was you..." he adds.

Oh. My...