Tiffany:
I needed air. That basement was claustrophobic. I had waited until he was finished, until I had heard every word, then I sprinted out the door. I saw a few people lingering around the stairs having a cigarette. I wished I smoked. I needed something to calm my nerves.
“Tiff?” I turned to see Harry, his expression a mixture of shattered that I had walked out and relieved that I was only a few feet away.
“I needed some fresh air,” I said. It wasn’t a lie.
He nodded and adjusted his tie before sticking his hands in his pockets. He wanted to say something. I know he did. But he had already said so much.
“So, she forgave you?” I asked, still focused on the assault part of his story and not the addiction.
“Yeah. I still don’t see how.” He exhaled hard. “My cousin wanted to beat the shit out of me. That was quite clear.”
I nodded, more as a reflex rather than understanding. And then it clicked. “Your cousin? David?” My heart started to beat faster, and I felt light headed. This wasn’t happening. Yes, I had heard him tell the story, but it all didn’t click until now. Please tell me it wasn’t who I thought it was…
“Yes. It happened while he was in London, recording his first record. I was supposed to protect her. Instead I…”
He was talking about Kristen. David Archer’s fiancé. Brit’s big sister, and therefore my big-big sister. It all hit too close to home. “I have to go.” He dropped his head and gave a slight nod. “Can you drive me to the Delta Sig house?”
“Uh… yeah. Sure.” He pulled out his car keys. “If that’s what you want.” He walked over to his jeep and opened the door to let me in before getting into the driver’s side. He couldn’t even look at me. That’s okay, I couldn’t look at him either. I hated how things were between us now. A few hours ago I was doing my hair and dreaming of Harry. Now I didn’t even know who the real Harry was.
It was a short distance to the sorority house. Neither of us said a word along the way. I stared out the window trying to process everything. It was so much to take in I didn’t know where to start. When he pulled in front of the house I turned to him. “Why this way? You had months to tell me this. We were alone so many times.” My bottom lip began to tremble and I felt tears sting at the corners of my eyes. “Why in a roomful of strangers would you dump that on me?” My voice trembled as the anger began to rise inside me.
Harry stared at me, his eyes heavy from this truth he had finally revealed. It was sitting there between us. I could feel it. “I wanted you to know exactly what it’s like to be a part of my life.” He paused and I tried to imagine how difficult this day had been for him. “You’ve made me feel normal, Tiff. Keeping this from you was eating me up. The longer I kept up the charade the more I hated myself.” He wiped a finger across his bottom lip and I noticed the slight tremor in his hand. Part of me wanted to hold him. To tell him I understood and help him release that great big breath he had been holding in all this time. But I didn’t understand. It was all very foreign. “Those people are a reflection of me. The support from the group and the meetings carried me through some of my darkest times, and in a weird way I needed to know they were present while I told you.” He leaned in, his blue eyes shimmering with sadness. “You’ve quickly become the person in my life whose opinion on this subject mattered to me the most.” Unable to respond I wiped away my tears and got out of the car. He didn’t follow me, and I wondered as he pulled away if I’d ever see him again.
So many questions tumbled through my mind as I climbed the steps to the Delta Sig house. It was Wednesday. Our dinner was this past Sunday. That meant Brit had three days to tell me everything, and she didn’t. She was my big sister, my best friend on campus, and she pretended she knew nothing. Why? Nothing made sense tonight. I needed to Brit to help me understand.
Natalie let me in, gushing about how pretty I looked. “Where’s Brit?” I was still shaking, but this time not from what he had revealed, but from what she had kept from me. The anger was rippling in my veins, causing my heart to pump my blood faster. Not knowing what I’d say or do when I saw her only made me shake more.
“In the living room.” Natalie stepped away from the door so I could enter, and that’s when I heard the sound of Brit’s guitar filling the house. Storming into the room, I noticed she was not alone. There was one sister on the floor getting her hair French braided. Another doing her nails, and a fourth texting. I went straight past all of them to the amp beside the couch and unplugged Brit’s electric. Brit looked up like I had cracked a whip at her. The sisters scattered around the room instantly got quiet and looked at me. I could feel Natalie beside me. She reached out to me, but I stepped away from her, toward Brit, before she could touch me.
“Why?” It was the only word I could muster. Brit’s face mirrored my shock. I guess I had backed her into a corner. “You knew the truth, and you didn’t tell me.”
She didn’t even hesitate or question what I was referring to. “He asked me not to.” Her words were spoken soft, as though she was trying to shield me from any more pain.
“So?”
Brit sighed heavily. “Tiff, would you have listened to me? Honestly?” She got up and stepped closer to me. Her face softened into concern. “You’re crazy about him. You’ve been crazy about him for months.”
“Not any more. I don’t know what to feel.” I crossed my arms stubbornly.
“That’s understandable, but… if I had told you Sunday night, would you have truly listened?”
“I—I don’t know.”
“I was going to tell you. I wanted to tell you. But Harry came to see me after you left the restaurant. Apparently, he had this night planned for a while.”
“He did?”
Brit nodded in reply. I lowered myself onto the couch, unsure what to feel. Natalie shooed the other sisters away so the three of us could have more privacy. I was grateful for that. I didn’t need to embarrass myself any more than I already had.
“I sat there completely enamored by him while you and Erik knew the truth. I’m sorry, Brit, but I feel betrayed.”
She sat down beside me but didn’t respond.
“I’m sorry, Tiff. If we had known your mystery guy was Harry, we would have told you weeks ago,” Natalie said.
I looked up at Natalie incredulously. “Wait, you knew, too? Does everyone in this house know?” I was frantic. I truly was the royal fool.
“No, just us. You have to understand. We were there for Kristen when it happened,” Natalie said emphatically.
“This is insane. Why can’t I meet a normal guy? A guy that, I don’t know, likes me for me? A guy who actually wants to kiss me… and is proud of my past accomplishments… and doesn’t pity me for losing my dreams… who doesn’t lie… or tried to fuck one of my sorority sisters!” I was screaming now, ready to tear my hair out.
It was Brit who brought me back to reality. “What part are you the most upset about? The fact that I let him reveal the truth or what the truth is?”
I hung my head, rubbing my temples. “I don’t even know. It’s all a lot to take in.”
“May I ask what he said?”
“There was a lot. Let’s see… drug addict, got Kristen to do drugs with him, assaulted Kristen…” I looked at her. Saying the words out loud made it all seem crazy. “Is that what really happened?”
“The only people who know what really happened are Kristen and Harry.” Brit reached forward and took my hand in hers. “Why don’t you call her? She’s your big-big.”
“I don’t know her that well. Besides, what if she’s mad?”
“Mad at what?”
“Mad at me for rehashing stuff.”
“Kristen Forte will soon be Kristen Archer, which means Harry will be a part of her family. They’ve made their peace—something I was not quite able to wrap my brain around, but they did.” She shrugged.
“Do you think he still loves her?” The words were foreign in my throat because it meant that I cared.
“I think when you love someone, a part of you always loves them. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t love again in new and bigger ways. Having said that, I think Harry comes with enormous baggage, and you are too bright a light to have him extinguish your flame.”
I was quiet for a moment, trying to process the last few days. Hell, the last two months. “He tried to keep his distance. He warned me from the start that he had things to tell me, and he promised he would tell me when the time was right. He hasn’t hidden anything. If anything, he’s been honest. I threw myself at him, and he refused me.” I took a breath. “I don’t know what to think. It’s like I’ve been with Dr. Jekyll only to discover that Hyde exists.”
“I know what sober Harry is like. He’s very…” Brit twisted her mouth until she found the right word. “Charming.” She smiled at me sympathetically. “But the drugs do turn him into a sort of Hyde character. Is it worth the risk?”
“But… what if romance was off the table?” I said, quoting Harry. “What if what he really wants—no, what he really needs is a friend?”
“A friend or a sponsor?” Natalie asked skeptically.
“I’m sure he has a sponsor.”
Brit reached into her back pocket and pulled out her phone. She tapped a few times before handing the phone to me. When I looked at the screen, Kristen’s number was staring back at me. “You can use my room for privacy. See what she has to say.”
I looked at the phone. I wanted to call her. I wanted to hear her side of the story. But tonight, I wasn’t ready for it. I wanted to go home, take a shower, and go to bed. Tonight was filled with disappointment, by everyone I knew.
“I’ll call you tomorrow.” The sadness was heavy in my throat. Brit nodded in understanding as she put her phone away. Natalie offered me a sympathetic smile as I got up, walked out, and shuffled back outside. Brit ran after me. “At least let me drive you.” I nodded.
My dorm was a few minutes away. I’d be in pajamas soon, ready to put these awful realities to bed. Brit parked and pointed to the front door of my building. “Do you want me to stay?” My gaze followed her finger surprised to discover Harry sitting on the steps, waiting for me.
“No. I’ll be all right. Thanks for the ride.” I got out of the car and walked over to him, the soft sound of Brit’s car fading behind me as she drove away.
“Hey,” he said softly, loosening his tie, looking desperate for air. I wondered how long he had been waiting here.
“Hello.” I walked past him and swiped my card key to get in. Harry stood up, looking at me hopefully, unsure if he should follow behind me. “It’s fucking freezing. If we have to do this, we might as well do it where it’s warm.” He nodded, and together we walked in silence to my dorm room. When I reached my door, I swiped the lock then held the door open for Harry. His face was masked in shock, probably because I was openly inviting him into my bedroom. After all that I had discovered tonight, I probably was an idiot, but my mind was too raw to analyze what was right and wrong. Still, Harry chose to remain in the hallway.
“Are you coming in?” I sounded exasperated.
“Do you really want me inside?”
“I have no clue what I want.” I switched the lights on and checked to see if Becca was in her bed. It was empty and still made, as it had been last night. “She’s with her girlfriend,” I assumed as I gestured to her side of the room. I took off my coat and hung it up, but Harry remained. I realized he was waiting for an invitation. Like a fucking vampire.
“You can come in.”
He stepped inside but lingered by the door.
“And you can shut the door behind you,” I said, feeling like his mother.
I heard the click of the lock, and my heart sank. A few days ago, having Harry alone with me in my bedroom would have gotten me all excited. But now, I was a puddle of mixed emotions. Harry had a problem. A problem that had led him to do something horrible to someone I cared about. But he had also gotten himself clean and tried his damnedest not to get close to me, and now I knew why. He was trying to protect me. From himself.
I sat down on my bed. Harry remained with his back against the door. He was terrified to come near me, and for some reason that hurt. Maybe I was a fool. Maybe I should be afraid of him. But I wasn’t. I was confused.
“She forgave you?” I asked, already knowing she did. He nodded. “You tried to force yourself on her…”
“No!” He jumped forward, shaking his head. His hands were in front of him almost as if in a state of surrender. “We had made-out a few times before when we were high together, and this time she was sober. She had a clear head and knew we shouldn’t be together. She was able to see through the haze. Unfortunately, I wasn’t there yet.”
I tried to understand, but having never taken anything stronger than an aspirin, I couldn’t. I mean, I was no saint. I had gotten drunk and kissed people I regretted kissing in the morning. But was that even the same?
“Look, Tiffany. I wanted you to know the truth. Everything. And I wanted to present it to you in a place where I felt safe. I knew you would judge me, but I needed to tell you the whole story. So now you know why I didn’t kiss you. Now you know why I only drink soda. Now you know why I have no friends. And that’s okay. It’s on me. I almost ruined Kristen’s life. I swore I’d never allow that to happen again. To anyone.” He took a breath. “Tiffany, I do care about you. These past couple of months I’ve felt like the old me again. You’ve restored a happiness I thought I’d lost. But it’s because I care about you that I put the brakes on the possibility of an us. Now I know, after tonight, thoughts of us have been completely flung off the table.” He gave a small, nervous laugh. “But I cherished the friendship you offered me, and I’m sorry it had to end so soon.”
He turned away quickly, and for a moment, I could have sworn that his eyes were glazed over. He reached for the doorknob, opening it, and leaving before I could fully digest all of his words.
In the movies, this was the part where the girl would call him back and forgive him for everything. They’d fall into each other’s arms and despite all odds, they’d get their happily ever after. But I was in the real world, and so I let him go without a fight.
“Hello?” Kristen’s melodic voice at the other end of the phone seemed far away and distant. True I was in my dorm room and she was in another state but the reception was always crystal clear when I called my mom.
“Hi. Kristen? It’s Tiffany.” Silence. “Brit’s little sister.”
“Oh! Sorry, Tiff. My mind is balking. I’m wedding dress shopping. What’s up?”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were busy. I can call back later.”
“There’s no need. The woman told me to stay in the dress for a while to see if I love it. You can keep me company while I stare awkwardly into the mirror.” She laughed. “Everything okay?”
“Um… Maybe I should just jump in and get it over with.” I was stammering and stumbling over my words.
“I don’t follow. Is Brit okay?” Her voice was suddenly filled with concern.
“Yeah, yeah… Brit is totally fine.” By now I was pacing, or rather, wearing a neat circular pattern into the rug of my dorm room.
I could hear her sigh on the other end. “That’s a relief.”
“Yeah, um… are you sure you don’t want to try on more dresses?” I asked hopefully.
“Tiff, you’re worrying me. What’s going on?”
“Okay.” I took a deep breath. “So, I met this guy who was like amazing, but he made it clear that he only wanted to be friends, so I continued a friendship with him even though I wanted more.”
“Reminds me of Brit and Jaime. I hope you didn’t try to kiss him.” She laughed playfully on the other end. My silence answered her. “Oh. I’m sorry. You did, didn’t you?”
“Well, yeah… Brit’s advice.”
“Ugh. Don’t get relationship advice from Brit. I freaking love her, but she’s had two extreme relationships. You want boy advice, you come to me.”
“Yeah… that’s um, why I called. So the kiss didn’t work out, and this guy told me he only wanted to be friends. He made it super clear. And we moved on, being friends, and I had the best month of my life until I introduced him to Brit and Erik.”
“They didn’t like him? Sorry, sweetie. She’s probably just looking out for you. I’m the same when it comes to her—”
“They didn’t like him because they already knew him. His name is Harry. Harry Archer.” Silence. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have called.” I sat on my bed feeling my stomach twist into knots. This conversation was incredibly awkward.
“Let me get out of this dress and I’ll call you back.” Kristen hung up promptly, and I wondered if I had reopened an old wound.
Ten minutes later, my phone rang again. “I’m sorry, that thing needed assistance to get out of. I’m walking to the subway now, so I can talk. How much do you know?”
I bit my lip. “He told me everything.”
“Knowing Harry, he would,” Kristen said softly.
“I have his version, but… can I ask you what happened?”
“Well, I’m sure his version is close to mine. David had left to go to London, and I couldn’t handle his absence. There were trust issues, and we broke up. I was shattered, and Harry was there. He tried so hard to put me back together.” Even though she couldn’t see, I nodded. “I couldn’t sleep, and he offered me sleeping pills. Then I guess I forgot how to smile, because he offered me something to take my mind off the pain. Tiff, I know you don’t know me that well, but you gotta know I am like a control freak. I was losing control, and in the chaos, he offered me a way out. He was wrong to offer. I was weak and accepted. Together, we started exploring this dangerous side of ourselves…”
“Was it scary?” It sure sounded scary.
“Not at first. At first it was actually sort of wonderful. That’s what made it so dangerous.”
I took a breath. This next question would be a lot harder to ask. “Did you love him?”
“I did love Harry, but I was never in love with him. I was in love with David. I still am hopelessly in love with David. Harry was like this beautiful distraction. I was blinded by my pain. He was blinded by his feelings for me and the confusion of me being his cousin’s girl. So instead of finding a way out, we got lost together.”
“And one night he attacked you?”
“That’s his words. Not mine. I knew he was spiraling out of control. I had my friends who pulled me back from the edge. Without David, Harry was alone. I went to him to try and get him to stop, but he was really high.” She cleared her throat, and I knew the rest would be difficult to hear. “He started kissing me. It didn’t feel like Harry kissing me. Maybe because for the first time I was sober. Or maybe because he was so far gone. When I told him to stop, he started cursing at me. He said some very hurtful words. But no. I swear to you, he didn’t force himself on me.” That last part didn’t make sense. He made it pretty clear that he attacked her.
“But, he said you had to knee him in the groin to get away.”
“Yeah, I can see how that would sound. The truth is I had found his stash and was going to flush them. I had them in my hand, and Harry leaned in to kiss me but simultaneously reached for the pills. I realized he wanted those pills more than me, and in an effort to try to startle him into reality—that was my response.”
“Oh.” I couldn’t even imagine Harry that desperate for drugs that he’d try to conceal it by kissing Kristen. But then again, that played into the image he was trying to convey to me. He was an addict. I think that was the first time I actually realized the meaning his words held, and that felt like a punch to the gut.
“If he had forced himself on me do you think I would have gone with him to the rehab center?”
“I didn’t know you did. He said Erik did.”
“Erik sat in the back with Harry. Jaime actually drove. Harry had taken something and mixed it with half a bottle of Jack Daniels. He was not in his right mind, Tiff. He probably made up his own theory of how the evening unfolded.”
A bottle of Jack Daniels… I could see Harry walking into the bar for the first time offering me a smile. “Jack and Coke, hold the Jack.” I thought it was so cute. It was actually him struggling with his sobriety.
“I’m sorry we can’t talk face to face about this. You okay, hon?”
“Yeah. It’s just a lot to take in. He said you forgave him.”
“I did. That’s one hundred percent true, and I still care very much about him. He’ll always be a special person in my life.”
“And David forgave him, too?”
“It took David longer, but eventually, yes, he did.”
I guess I had all I needed to know. I couldn’t think of anything else to ask.
“Tiff.” Kristen’s voice grew softer. “How is he, really?”
“He was great. I mean, he seemed a bit lonely, but other than that he was great. Now… now he’s broken.”
“Harry Archer is not a bad person, Tiffany. He’s just haunted by bad habits.”
“Do you think he would use again?”
“He’s been clean for almost two years, and he was clean years before that. I think if he had a good friend, he’s capable of becoming the man I know he is.”
“And… would you mind if he had a good friend?” I asked, feeling like I needed her permission.
“Tiffany, if you think you can handle this, I’d say a good friend is exactly what Harry needs.”
“Thanks, Kristen. I mean it. You really helped me get a grip on this whole thing.”
“You’re my lil-lil, I’m always here for you.”
“Good luck dress shopping!” I added, trying to make our conversation a little more normal.
“Ha! Thanks. I think I’m going to take a break from dresses and look at shoes. I’ll talk to you soon.”
“Okay! Have fun! Bye!”
Kristen said good-bye, and I ended the call. Brit was right to have me call her. Suddenly, everything had a lot more perspective.