Harry:
“I have been clean for twenty months, or if one wants to be technical, six hundred and five days. But who’s counting?” The room laughed lightly, and I nodded with a small smile of appreciation. This wasn’t my first time speaking, but it was my most important speech so far. Because this was me coming clean to the only person that mattered. I couldn’t look at her, couldn’t face her disappointment. So, instead, I looked at my reflection, for I saw my face in every other person in that room. We had all been there, fighting every day to be a better version of ourselves. To kick away the crutches that we had clung to in the past. To walk alone, feel the pain—feel everything, and still carry on. I took a breath, still not able to look at Tiff just yet, stuck a trembling hand in my pocket and rocked a bit on my heel.
“My drug of choice was prescription painkillers. Somehow, knowing that a pharmacist was creating these magic pills in the back of a CVS made it feel perfectly legal to me. The fact that I was in impeccable health and didn’t suffer from any infliction that would warrant a prescription wasn’t something that crossed my mind. I could point fingers. Place blame. But the fact remains, no one put that first pill in my mouth but me. And that first pill was the single greatest high I have ever had.” I noticed some people nodding in their seats. The thing about drugs is unless you’ve done it, you don’t understand. Knowing they knew what I was referring to was… well, it was comforting. If I thought admitting to being a user was tough, my next confession was going to crucify me. I reached for the knot at my neck and gave a tug, my tie suddenly feeling too tight.
“My parents got me straight, removed me from my environment, and after I went through the program, they trusted me enough to let me move out here. I lived with my cousin, and he was like a brother to me. We were unbelievably close. But there was one thing he had that tore me up inside. He had this perfect girl, and I was in love with her.” I forced myself to make eye contact with Tiffany. Her pain was loud and clear as her gaze met mine. I knew it hurt. I knew the pieces of the other night were slowly starting to come together, but she had to hear the whole story. I needed her to listen to a few more minutes, then it would all be over. If she didn’t hate me now, perhaps she wouldn’t hate me later. Or so I hoped.
“Well, my cousin had to go to London for a while, and I swooped in and tried to be her knight. At first it was innocent, but then I used her pain and loneliness as an excuse. I took her down a dangerous path because I was too much of a coward to go there alone. Or even better—avoid it entirely. I knew she was my cousin’s girl, and so I’d never make a move on her. But the other guy… the guy who liked to pop a pill every now and then… he decided to come back and visit. In a moment where she needed a friend the most, I offered her a way to forget. I convinced her the pills were innocent and because I was her friend she trusted me.” I cleared my throat and took a drink of water.
“Luckily, the stuff I had wasn’t as good as what had gotten me hooked. She seemed to be able to control her use. But I knew how good it could be. And so that crappy taste had me craving more; chasing that elusive high. I fell apart and almost took her down with me.” I forced myself to look at Tiff again. Her body was rigid in her chair, she barely blinked. The poor girl was in shock. Clearly none of this was what she had expected when I told her I had a special night planned. I thought getting it all out at once was the best way to handle this. Now, seeing the way she looked at me, her eyes trying to make sense of my words I had regrets. But I was in too deep and had to keep going.
“She had good friends. Correction.” I locked eyes with Tiffany again. She needed to know how much I actually respected Brit and Erik. “Amazing friends. They surrounded her like a castle wall, protecting her from the dragon outside. But, one night, I took too much, washed it down with some Jack, and that’s when she knocked on my door. She was coming to see if I was all right. Seeing if I needed her. I did need her, and I thought she needed me, too.”
I swallowed hard, knowing the rest of my story wouldn’t be easy. “I blacked out most of it. That’s not an excuse; it’s the truth. I wish I could remember the hurtful things I said to her. How I pushed her against a door…” My voice cracked. “How she cried.” I could feel my shame rippling through me. I had to speak through gritted teeth. “How she had to kick me in the groin to be released from my clutches.”
I paused, needing to grip the podium. I hung my head and caught my breath. The room was silent and felt very warm. I looked up, out over that ocean of faces until I met Tiff’s blue eyes. They were wide with shock. “I can’t say what would have happened if she hadn’t broken free from me. The man that stands here today is not the man that was in that room. That wasn’t even a man. That was a creature.” I took another deep breath, forcing myself to get through it. “You start lying to yourself before you ever master lying to others. I was in love with her. I wanted her. And I told myself she wanted me.” I cleared my throat. The room was so quiet. It was tangible.
“Like I said, she had amazing friends. And those friends took me to a hospital that night. They should have beaten me and left me in my apartment to bleed out. But they didn’t. They pointed me in the direction of help. And I took the help. After the initial withdrawal period, she came to see me. I thought withdrawal was bad.” I laughed at the irony and shook my head. “No. Looking into her eyes fucking broke me. She forgave me. I still haven’t forgiven myself.” I held up my sobriety chip. “I’ve been clean for six hundred and five days. That means nothing. I take it one day at a time.” I nodded. “Thank you for listening to my story.”
The room broke into gracious applause, and several people got up to shake my hand as I made my way to the back of the room. I had to see her face. I had to look her in the eyes and know. When everyone cleared the path, I looked at the row she was sitting in.
Her seat was empty.