Chapter 30: The Morning After

I woke up before dawn.

Woke? I hadn’t slept a wink.

The clock on my nightstand said 5:15AM. My mind had been racing since my call with Sloane, spinning through everything I had to say, everything I had to do; everything I was too scared to admit for weeks.

I laid in the dark, staring at the ceiling.

I couldn’t hide anymore and I knew that.

I couldn’t hide from him, from myself or from what I felt when he looked at me with literal stars in his eyes.

I reached for my phone, typing a message before I could overthink it.

Me: Hey, are you awake?

His response came in after a few seconds.

Cassian: Yeah, I’m up. What’s up?

Me: Can you come over? We need to talk.

Cassian: Alright, I’m on my way.

Few minutes later, a knock came at my door.

I got up, went to the living room and opened the door.

He stood in the hallway with his hair sticking up messily, he had dark circles under his eyes and his jaw was set as he stared at me with sad eyes like he was bracing for an ending.

“Are you breaking up with me?”

I grabbed him and pulled him inside, kicking the door shut.

My hands found his face as I pulled him in for a kiss.

He made a sound of surprise and relief against my lips before his arms wrapped around me, pulling me even closer and I kissed him like he was the air I needed to breathe, like I’d been drowning for weeks and he was the only one that could pull me up.

His hands fisted in my shirt as his back hit the wall. I pressed into him, enjoying the feel of him against me, his body heat, the way he arched into me, matching my energy with his.

When we pulled apart, we were both breathing heavily.

He stared at me with wide eyes and puffy lips as his chest heaved.

“Well.” He sounded breathless. “That’s a nice way to say good morning.”

I cupped his face again, holding him steadily.

“You once asked me what happens next with us, and I’ve been thinking about it.”

His expression flickered and I saw something like fear flash through his eyes for a moment.

“Okay. And?”

I traced my thumb along his jaw, feeling the warmth on his smooth skin.

“I’m done hiding, not publicly yet. But with you.” I let the words hang. “I want to do this with you, not in secret or stolen moments, but for real.”

His eyes brightened as he got teary eyed, his hands coming up to cover mine on his face.

“Tor.”

“It won’t be easy.” I said. “I don’t know how to do this, I’ve never done. All my life has been spent keeping people away from me. I don’t know how to let someone in without ruining everything. But I can’t keep pretending I don’t want you, I’m done pretending I don’t need you.”

A tear escaped his eye, I caught it before it could slip down.

“What I’m trying to say is; I choose you every day, I choose you loudly.”

He stared at me, the fear in his eyes was gone, replaced by hope.

He grabbed my shirt and pulled me down for a kiss. It was hard and desperate, with his hands tangling in my hair as he pulled me even closer. I felt the weight of everything he couldn’t say in words in the press of his lips.

When he pulled back, he was trembling.

“I choose you too, Tor. Over and over.”

I pulled him into my chest, holding him there; his arms wrapped around my waist and he buried his face in my shirt. We stood like that till the morning light started seeping through the blinds, casting shadows about us.

“I thought you wanted to end things with me.” He said in a small voice.

I pulled back to stare at him in surprise.

“Why would you think that?” I asked incredulously.

“When you texted.” I swallowed. “I thought you couldn’t take it anymore, that it was too much for you to handle and that you couldn’t deal with it anymore.”

I put a finger under his chin, tilting his face up.

“I’m here to stay.”

“You’ve said that countless times.”

“I mean it.”

He searched my eyes, looking for the truth and I let him search.

“What changed?”

I thought about the locker room, how he looked broken when he said he couldn’t pretend anymore, I saw the toll it took on him; the way he held on to me like I would disappear if he let go, and the call with my sister when she told me to fight for him.

“Nothing.” I started. “Everything. I don’t even know, I just—“ I stopped, took a deep breath then started again. “I realized that hiding was worse than losing. That pretending I didn’t want you was killing me slowly.”

He let out a breath.

“Now what?”

I pressed my lips to his lips, then to his forehead, then to his temple.

“We’ll figure things out slowly.”

His lips twitched.

I pulled him away from the entryway into the living room, we both sank into the couch, with our limbs tangled together.

“Torin?”

“Yes?”

“When you said you were done hiding, but not publicly, what did you mean?”

I turned to look at him but his eyes were closed; he looked relaxed.

“It means I need time to figure out how to do this without destroying everything we’ve both worked for, we have to look for a way to tell the team, and then our fans.” I paused. “I want to be able to tell everyone that you’re mine.”

He finally opened his eyes to look at me.

“I’m yours, Tor.”

“I know.”

He moved to press a kiss to my jaw.

“I’ve been yours since our first kiss, even before then actually.”

I pulled him in.

“Same here.”

“So we’re really doing this?” He asked.

“Yes, we are.” I said, pressing a kiss to his hair.

He settled against me, closing his eyes once more.

I didn’t know how we would do this without destroying everything.

But I was done running.

And I meant it for real this time.