Chapter 29: The Choice

The silence in my apartment was deafening.

I stood in the middle of my living room, with my jacket still on, feeling the ghost of Cassian’s fingers in mine. The loss should have been the only thing in my mind, but it wasn’t.

I pulled my phone out and scrolled through my contact list, I stopped at my sister’s contact. My thumb hovered over the call button.

I hadn’t told her about any of it; the alley, the secret nights, the way I couldn’t breathe when he walked into the room, how I’d spent four weeks pretending I wasn’t catching feelings for a rookie who’d cracked me open and refused to leave.

I hit the call button.

Sloane picked up almost immediately. “Torin? What’s up? It’s past midnight.”

“Yeah, I know.”

She paused for a while. Then, I heard her sit up; I heard the rustle of sheets. “What’s the problem?”

I opened my mouth to talk, only to close it as I leaned against the wall. The words were there, lodged in my throat; refusing to come out.

Her voice rose a bit. “Torin, what’s wrong? You’re scaring me.”

“I need to tell you something.” My voice came out rough. “And i just want you to listen.”

Another pause, then: “Alright.”

I told her everything.

The words came out in broken pieces, the whole story about Coach assigning me as Cassian’s mentor, the road trips, the hotel, the alley, the nights in my apartment. The way he always looked at me like I was worth seeing and the way I’d spent almost all my life building up my walls and he broke them like they were nothing.

She listened without interrupting.

I told her about the blog post and the conference meeting with Brynn and the other teammates, I told her about the losses, the silence and how we had to sit across from each other and pretend there was nothing going on between us. I told her about tonight in the locker room, and how he said he couldn’t pretend anymore, how he held my hand like he was scared that I’d disappear if he let go.

When I was done, my throat felt raw and my hands were trembling.

Sloane was quiet for a long moment.

“You love him.”

The words stunned me.

I leaned against the wall, closing my eyes.

My voice cracked as I responded. “Yeah, I think I do.”

“Then fight for him.” Her voice was fierce. “Not just secretly, fight for him openly.”

I opened my mouth to argue and tell her all the reasons I couldn’t; the team, the cameras, the sponsors. The way Brynn had talked about us in a distasteful manner, the way the media circled around us, waiting for a slip up.

Before I could say a word, she spoke.

“All your life has been spent protecting other people, let someone protect you for once.” She said softly.

My throat clogged up.

“What if I ruin everything?”

“Hmm.” She paused. “What if you don’t? What if you finally get to be happy?”

I had no answer.

I stood there in the dark, with my phone pressed to my ear as I thought about his face in the locker room. The relief on his face when I said I wasn’t going anywhere, like he believed me completely even when I didn’t have it all figured out.

“Torin.” Sloane’s voice broke through my thoughts. “I’ve never heard you talk about anyone in this special way. You’re scared because for the first time, you have something worth being scared about.”

I pressed my fist to my chest, hitting it gently.

“What if l do something stupid and I lose him?”

“Then you’ll lose him.” She said, not even sugarcoating the words. “But at least you’ll know you tried, and you won’t spend the rest of your life wondering what would have happened if you had been brave enough to let him in.”

I thought about how his lips felt on mine back in the alley, the way he’d been risking everything for someone who couldn’t even hold his hand in public. I thought about how he stayed, even when I pushed him away repeatedly.

“I’ve been hiding.” I said.

“Yeah, you have.” She agreed.

“I don’t know how to stop.”

“You have to start from somewhere.” She said in a steady voice. “One step at a time, one day, one choice. You wake up one day and decide he’s worth the risk, and then you do the same thing the next day, and the day after that.”

My hands shook.

“What if I’m not enough for him?”

“Then you let him be enough for the both of you.” She paused. “That’s what love is, Torin. It’s not about being strong on your own, it’s about letting someone carry you when you can’t walk.”

Her words washed over me.

I thought about his smile, his bravery, his relentless attitude of reaching out to me while I tried to push him away.

“I’m so fucking terrified.” I said.

“It’s normal to feel that way.” She said calmly. “But you’re the bravest person I know. Bravery is not about not being scared, it’s about being scared and doing things anyway. You’ve been brave your whole life, now you need to be even braver; for yourself and for him.”

She let the silence stretch.

“What are you going to do now?” She finally asked.

I looked out the window, the city was dark. Somewhere in his apartment, Cassian was in his bed, probably staring at his ceiling thinking about me too, wondering if I was going to run again.

“I don’t know yet.” I said.

I thought about the cameras, about Brynn’s face, about the blog post and about the losses.

“ I need to go.” I said.

“Torin.”

“Yeah?”

“Whatever your decision is, I just want you to know that I’m proud of you.”

My eyes watered.

“Thanks, Sis.”

“Always.”

The line went dead.

I stood still in the dark, the weight of everything I had been holding back pressing against my chest.

I didn’t have all the answers.

But I knew what I had to do.