Chapter 10: The Second Hotel

Boston was colder than Toronto.

I felt it the moment we stepped off the plane, the wind cut through my jacket; it was the kind of cold that seeped through bones and stayed. By the time we got to the hotel, my knee was throbbing, but I ignored it like I always did.

The hotel room was almost the same as the one in Toronto; with two beds and a window overlooking the skyline; and the same thick silence.

This time, Cassian didn’t hastily unpack.

He just walked in, dropped his bag on the floor and sat on the bed; still in his jacket and jeans; staring at the wall like it had answers to his questions.

I watched him; noticing the way his shoulders curved forward, the way his hand hung limply on his knees and the way his jaw worked like he was chewing on words he couldn’t swallow.

“Are you okay?”

He laughed, but it sounded hollow.

“Wow, I’m honored.”

“Don’t be an ass, I’m just concerned.”

He looked at me with tired eyes; it wasn’t tiredness from the games, it was a different kind of tired, something that had been there for a long time.

“I’m not okay.” He replied, gesturing at nothing. “But I don’t know how to talk about it.”

I thought about the wall he’d built around himself, the performance he put up like an armor, it seemed familiar; I’d put on that kind of armor for years too.

“I don’t know how to deal with feelings,” I said. “I only know how to give solutions to problems.” If you want to talk, I’m here to listen. And if you don’t want to talk, I’m here regardless.”

He stared at me for a moment before looking away.

“My dad called after the Toronto game.” He said quietly.

My jaw tightened.

“He told me I wasn’t the good player he’d thought I’d be; he told me I was an embarrassment to him.” His voice cracked slightly.

“He’s wrong.” I said.

“Yeah, well.” Cassian laughed humorlessly. “He’s my dad, somehow, his opinion matters to me. He’s supposed to be proud, but he’s never proud; even when I win, there’s always criticism of some sort waiting for me.”

I didn’t have the right words to say, I didn’t have a solution for a father who couldn’t see the amazing talent his son had.

I walked to the mini fridge, pulled out two bottles of water and handed one to him.

Our fingers brushed slightly, but I felt the sparks all over my body.

“I don’t know your dad.” I said. “But I know you’re one of the best players on this team; I also know you scored a hat trick in the previous game, and finally, I know you’re going to be better than anyone expects.”

I paused.

“And I know my words don't sound the same as when it would have come from your father, but it’s something.”

He looked at the bottle in his hand, rubbing his thumb over it; he didn’t open it.

“Thank you, Tor.” He said quietly, with gratitude coloring his tone.

“You’re welcome.”

——-

I sat on my bed, studying Cassian.

He didn’t move, he just sat still with the water bottle still in his hand; staring into space.

The silence between us still stretched, but it wasn’t an uncomfortable silence.

I couldn’t help but stare at him; the way his throat bobbed when he swallowed, the way his fingers traced the label on the bottle, the way his jeans stretched across his thighs when he adjusted.

I looked away and looked back to find his eyes on me.

“Tor, can I ask you something?”

I nodded.

He set the water bottle down, and leaned forward; he was so close that I could see the flecks of gold in his eyes.

“Do you ever think about it?”

“Think about what?”

“Think about us.” He gestured between us. “About this, whatever it is.”

My heart skipped a beat.

“I try not to think of it.”

“Why is that?”

“Because thinking about you; about us is dangerous, when I think about you, I imagine my hands and mouth roaming your body, I imagine myself giving you pleasure you’ve never felt in your life.”

Cassian gasped audibly.

“I also don’t think about it because it’s complicated.”

His lips twitched. “Complicated. Well, I guess that’s one way to put it.”

“What’s the other way?”

He held my gaze. “Terrifying, electric; the only thing that feels real.”

I didn’t move or breathe.

“Cassian.”

“Tor.”

He stared at my lips for a long moment, before his eyes darted up to meet mine.

“I think about it all the time.” He said. “When you’re on the ice, when you’re in the room, when you’re just sitting there reading that stupid book you always read while pretending to not feel anything.”

“I’m not pretending.”

“Is that so?” He leaned in. “Then what are you doing?”

My hand balled up into fists.

“I’m trying to be responsible.”

“Well, fuck being responsible.”

The words hit me.

He was so close now, I could count his eyelashes, I could see the pulse beating in his throat and I could smell him, that heady cologne that made my mouth water.

“One night.” He whispered. “That’s all I ask for. One night where we drop the pretense and discover what we really feel about each other.”

My throat clogged up.

“I don’t think you know what you’re asking for.”

“I know exactly what I’m asking for.” His eyes twinkled with mischief. “I’ve been asking for it since the workout in the weight room, since the first time we met; and since you looked at me like a person; not some problem that needs solving.”

“You’re not thinking clearly tonight.” I said. “You’re emotional from what you father did.”

He flinched slightly.

“You think I’m not aware of that?” His voice was raw. “You think I don’t know I’m falling apart at the moment? That’s why I want this, I want to feel good; when I’m with you, I feel good.”

I reached out.

My hands cupped the back of his neck, and pulled him closer; I pressed my forehead against his.

“Not tonight, Cassian.” I said gently.

“Why not?”

“Because you deserve better than a consolation prize, because when this happens, I need you to be sure that it’s what you want, not that you’re using it to run away from your pain.”

He pulled back to stare at me with his bright eyes.

“You really believe that?”

“I believe you’re worth waiting for.”

He pressed his forehead against mine again.

“Tor?”

“Yes, Cassian?”

“Someday, you’re going to be the death of me.”

“I feel the same way.”

————-

We stayed like that for a long time, with our foreheads pressed against each other’s as our breaths mingled.

Eventually he pulled back to lay on his bed, staring at the ceiling.

I did the same.

The silence between us now was charged and full of everything we didn’t say.

“Tor, I’m glad you’re my mentor.”

I laughed. “That’s new.”

“Don’t let it get to your head.” He said with a smile in his voice.

“It’s too late for that.”

His laughter filled the room, warming my insides.

I closed my eyes and listened to it.

It was the best sound I’d heard in years.