Chapter 38: It is not your fault
“I love you”
There I said it.
Klaus didn't move or blink. He didn't even look surprised. I knew he knew I did but I had a feeling he was never so sure of it.
My hands tightened around the blanket and I withdrew my gaze from him.
I cleared my throat.
“Why are you looking at me like I've grown a horn” I muttered facing the fire “you said it first”
He remained quiet and I could feel the intensity of his stares.
“I know I probably sound stupid but–” I let out a shaky breath “but I felt like you should know and I know I should have a said It a little bit differently–"
“Stop talking” he cut in without looking away or shifting his expression.
I couldn't tell if he meant ‘stop talking’ as in I get you but I need you to shut the fuck up because I don't think I love you too or he meant ‘stop talking’ as in I love you too and I need you to shut up so I can kiss you.
Really hoping it's the second one.
I buried my face in my knees hoping I could hide away from the embarrassment.
Men these days I swear they're so unpredictable.
He said he loved me first and I came to tell him I love him and he's quiet?!
He finally reacted and placed a hand on my head gently stroking my hair.
“You say it like you're doing me a favour by telling me” his voice was calm but not cold.
I gently raised my head and looked at him.
“I didn't mean for it to sound like that” I said lowering my voice.
“I know” he said and cupped my cheeks “and I love you too tessa”
My heart escaped from my chest, did a triple flip somersault, went to Canada and came back.
“But it shouldn't be me” he said
My heart dropped to my stomach and my chest suddenly became heavy.
“What do you mean” the words came out less confident than I planned it to.
His expressions were finally readable. His face looked heavy and his eyes. His eyes carried something broken, restrained.
He didn't look like the Nicolas Hayes I knew.
He looked …. Vulnerable.
“I mean you shouldn't feel that way especially not towards me”
I froze and let out a laugh fueled my humour.
“That's not how feelings work klaus”
“Tessa…I–”
“No” i cut in voice steady and sharp “not this again klaus”
He lowered his gaze.
“I did not ride over here by this time of the night, wait outside for over 30 minutes, say something I've never said to anyone else so you can what? End this before it starts”
I felt something burning inside me and it threatened to explode.
I leaned in and raised His head. My hands remained cupped around his very masculine, very sexy face.
“I didn't just wake up and decide to love you klaus, I have watched you, crushed on you for the longest time, even tried to talk to you and…” my voice cracked “and for the longest time I concluded that there was no way you'd look at me the way I did you but here you are now, looking at me and you're saying this is wrong?”
Bullshit.
He gently pulled my hand down.
“I have loved you for the longest time tessa, I really have but just as you said I didn't just wake up and decide to say no to my own feelings, I just have to” he paused “for you”
I froze. Loved me for the longest time?
Me?
Nicolas Hayes?
That's impossible, right?
“What the fuck do you mean for me?”
“I mean I ruin things I touch” he shot back.
Something about that sentence broke something in and a certain calm found its way between us.
“Thats not true” I whispered
“It is”
His cold expression returned. I broke.
“You don't get it tessa”
Anger sparked
“Then make me get it!!” I raised my voice.
He looked at me, hurt.
“Klaus I won't get it if you don't even try to explain to me” my tone reduced “I have opened up to you fully, I told you about my sister, my eating disorder,everything” I paused “Why can't you do the same?”
“Because it's different”
“Then explain it to me,” I shot back, standing up too. “Because right now you’re just—what? Acting like I’m stupid for feeling something you said first?”
“That's not what I'm doing”
“Then what are you doing?!”
He fell silent. He stood up and walked over to his table.
I was ready to raise my voice three times higher if he said I won't get it or shut me out again but he didn't
“My dad used to hit my mom.” The words felt heavy. So heavy it felt like a bomb dropped on me.“Not used to… I guess,” he corrected. “He still does. Just… less obvious now.”
I remained quiet.
“As a kid I convinced myself dad Wasn't really hurting her, he just got mad and was correcting her, ethan aided that thought”
My chest tightened.
“I tried to fix it though” he let out a soft laugh. “One night I ran into mom's room during one very intense argument and I found a phone” he paused."Mom was having an affair and the man called in that moment”
His voice broke
“I picked up and asked for help and he did. He came minutes later with the police and everything”
“The thing is I thought I fixed it but I only ruined it,made things worse. Because dad went to prison, Mom stayed and ethan blamed me”
My breath hitched.
“Why would he blame you?” I asked softly.
“Because I made it real.”
His voice hardened.
“Before that, it was just our problem. Inside the house.” He gestured vaguely. “After that? It was everywhere. Court. People talking. Reputation. All of it.”
He scoffed.
“I didn’t save anything. I just… exposed it.”
“That’s not your fault—” I said moving closer
“It is.” His voice was sharp and final.
Before he could say another word, I wrapped my hands around him and rested my head on his back.
He gasped at the sudden action and I could feel his heartening steadily.
“It is not your fault”