Chapter 20: The Feelings

Chapter Twenty : The Feelings Fade Away

Her POV

I sat on the edge of my bed, my hands still shaking from what had happened earlier. I could still feel the memory of his hands on my back, rubbing the tension and fear away. For the first time, I felt… cared for. Someone had touched me gently, looked after me, and made me feel safe.

It was strange. I had always been a substitute, a tool, someone who existed only because someone else was missing. My life, my body, even my heart—it was never really mine. And yet, just for a moment, I felt like I mattered. Like I was more than a shadow in this house.

The feeling made my chest hurt. I didn’t know if it was love or just kindness. I didn’t want to think about it too much. I only knew it felt warm, and dangerous.

I needed air. My room felt small and heavy. I needed to breathe, to clear my mind. I wrapped a thin shawl around my shoulders and walked quietly into the hallway. The house was almost quiet, except for the sounds of some warriors moving around and the distant shuffle of servants.

I made my way slowly to the living room. The moonlight came in through the windows, soft and pale. The room looked calm, almost peaceful. I wanted to breathe in that calm. I wanted to feel a moment of peace.

But then I saw them.

Calyra. Beautiful, confident, smiling like she owned the world. And Ronan. Laughing, relaxed, happy. He was smiling at her, leaning close, his usual sharpness gone, replaced by something soft and warm. They looked at each other like they belonged together.

My legs froze. My chest tightened. My hands clutched my shawl so hard it hurt. I felt like someone had slammed a door in my chest. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t breathe.

They were happy. Together. Like I didn’t even exist.

My stomach twisted. My heart felt heavy. I had imagined many scary things—what Calyra might do, what might happen if Ronan found out—but this… this was worse. This hurt. More than I thought it could.

I turned quickly and ran back to my room. I slammed the door behind me and sank to the floor. I curled into myself, hugging my knees. Tears came fast and hot. I let them fall. I let myself cry for the fear, for the hurt, for the helplessness.

“I need to leave,” I whispered to the empty room. “I have to… but where can I go? Where can I hide?”

The thought of my baby made the fear worse. I had no home outside this pack. No one would protect me. And even Ronan, the one person who had looked out for me, could not help me if I ran. And if I stayed… I would only be a shadow in their happiness.

I pressed my hands to my stomach, feeling the life growing inside me. My tears fell onto my own hands. I whispered softly, almost to the baby, “I can’t leave you… I can’t leave you alone… but I can’t stay either…”

I rocked back and forth on the floor. My body shook with sobs. My mind was full of confusion and fear. I wanted to scream at the unfairness of it all. Why did I have to be a substitute? Why did I have to carry this child in a place where I would never be safe?

And yet… I remembered the warmth of his hands, the gentle way he cared for me. Even if it was only for a moment, I had felt safe. I had felt human.

I cried harder, letting it all out. The room smelled of night air and faint herbs. My body ached. My heart ached. My mind spun. I didn’t know what to do next. I didn’t know how I would survive.

“I… I have no choice,” I whispered into the darkness. “I have to survive… for the baby… for me… I have to find a way…”

I stayed like that for a long time, letting the tears fall and the fear wash over me. Outside, the laughter and happiness of Ronan and Calyra seemed far away. A life I could never reach.

But even in my fear, a small spark of determination grew. I could not leave. Not yet. I would find a way to survive. I would find a way to protect my baby. Somehow… somehow, I would find a way to live, even here, in a place that had never really been mine.

Tonight… tonight I could only cry. But tomorrow… tomorrow I would start thinking. I would start planning. I would find a way to take control of my life, no matter how small that control was.