Chapter 32

For the next few days, it’s quite hard to get out of my funk of depression. It seems as if I’ve allowed myself to fall into the rabbit hole of my past, and as much as I try to climb out, my past keeps dragging me down. The only way I can possibly get past it is to have a day with my mom. Whenever I see her, it’s a reminder of her progress and how far we’ve all come from what used to be.

While I’m soaking in the bathtub on a lazy Saturday morning, piling bubbles onto my little belly, I call my mom.

“Hello, deary.”

“Hey, Mom. Would you like to have lunch or something today?”

“Of course. Is everything okay? You sound so down.”

“I’m just in a funk. Some painful memories have been rearing their ugly heads. I’ve been a little sulky these past few days.”

“Oh no, that’s not good for you or the baby. How about we do lunch and go shopping for something cute?”

“I haven’t started buying anything for the baby yet.”

“Who said anything about the baby? I’m talking about something pretty for you, sweetie. You need a pick me up.”

Smiling, I sigh.

“Sure, Mom. I’d love to.”

“Good. I’ll come get you in an hour. Wear some comfortable shoes.”

When she hangs up, I feel slightly better. If this were still the past, she would've never offered to spend time with me. She definitely wouldn’t have been able to drive. It shows me proof that things are not the same as they used to be. It’s hard to accept healthy change when you’re used to such toxicity. It’s something I need to work on. I don’t want to carry my baggage into motherhood, putting it on my kid’s shoulders to carry it the way I did. My baby doesn’t deserve a depressed mother who can’t let go of the past.

When I finish bathing, I find something pretty to put on. I curl my hair and even put makeup on. I’m surprised when I find myself vibing to the music playing on my phone and in a good mood. When I woke up, I wasn’t in the mood for anything. I could have stayed in bed all day with no food or water. I know that wouldn’t have been good for my baby. I know Jasper wouldn’t have let me not eat or drink. He would’ve shoved the food down my throat and poured water in after.

I went to therapy for a bit and learned some coping techniques, but when I’m feeling down and out, exercising and journaling aren’t things I care to do. I’m glad my mom suggested getting out of the house. Some fresh air and some different scenery other than the bedroom are things I need to restart. Plus, I know that my mom isn’t going to baby me like Jasper would. She’ll tell it like it is, and it helps that she’s a mother so she can relate. She’s the only woman I know who has had a baby. I mean, I have my mother-in-law, but she’s always on the go.

Once I’m finished getting ready, I head downstairs to take the vitamins I was planning on neglecting today. I even make myself a grilled cheese sandwich to satisfy my hunger until my mother and I get to where we’re going. I still feel a little blah, but less blah than earlier. I don’t know why it took so long to reach out to my mom. I’m so used to doing things without her that I forget she’s accessible to me now. I’m sure she wonders why I don’t call as often, and I know it probably hurts her feelings a bit. It’s not what I’m trying to do. I just need to remind myself that she’s my mom and she’s here for me.

At 11, I know my mom has pulled into the driveway because she immediately honks the horn three times, as if I couldn’t possibly hear it once or even twice. I dip into Jasper’s office to let him know I’m going out with my mom. He’s so into whatever is on the computer screen that he hears me just well enough to give me a nod. I kiss his neck.

“Don’t stress too much.”

“Hmm. I’ll try. Have fun.”

I also step into the living room, kissing Harper’s forehead as he chats on the phone with someone about work. As I’m heading towards the door, my mom honks again, and I let out a small laugh as I grab my things.

My mom hasn’t seen me in a bit due to her working a lot as a sponsor, so I’m excited for her to see my belly progression. You can’t see it well until I smooth my shirt down over it, but then there’s a little bump. I’m a few weeks away from finding out the gender, so I’m quite thrilled about that.

When I open the door, my mom is checking herself out in the rearview mirror until she sees me.

“There’s my sweet girl.”

“Hey, Mom. I have a surprise for you.”

She raises her eyebrows, and with both hands, I smooth my shirt down, cupping my belly. Immediately she starts squealing.

“Oh my God, you’re so beautiful, honey!” Tears well in her eyes, and I try not to laugh at how dramatic she is. Sober or not, that’s never going to change.

After hugging me and touching my stomach, we head into the city, and mom’s first stop is the lingerie shop. Most girls would be weirded out about this, but I’m curious as to what my mom is going to pick out. I know she and her boyfriend, William, are getting serious, so I’m sure she wants to get something sassy for him—not that I want to think about that too hard.

In the store, my mom disappears while I pick out some cute silk pajamas for myself. I get a new robe, two pajama sets, some slippers, and some body sprays. My mom was so right. Buying nice things for just myself is nice and does improve my mood drastically because now I’m excited to pamper myself.

I even find some fun things in the pregnancy sections. There are cute breastfeeding bras that don’t look like the ones my grandma would wear, as well as post-pregnancy undies that don’t look like giant diapers. I’m most definitely going to have to come back.

When I have a pile of goods in my arms, I walk around searching for my mom. It isn’t until I walk past the darker section of the store that I find her looking at leather outfits.

“Mom, what the hell are you doing?”

“Would this look cute on me?” She holds up a leather lingerie set with the boobs cut out and chains around the neck. Someone throw acid in my eyes now.

“Can we please pretend that you didn’t just suggest that you’d wear this?”

“Suggest? I’m buying it. William is going to die.”

“He’s not the only one.” I roll my eyes.

“Oh, don’t be a prude. Did I stab myself in the ears when I heard you were with not one man but two? No, I didn’t.”

She has a point.

“I didn’t go around asking you about lingerie either, so there’s that.” I laugh.

“Poo poo, it’s all the same.”

I stand by while she picks up a bunch of items before we actually head to the register. Surprisingly my mom pays for my things as well, saying that she’s treating me for the day. When I try to give her some money, she slaps my hand away.

“Sweetie, you’re my only daughter and I owe you so much that buying you a few pairs of pajamas will never be close to enough. Let me do this for you. I know things are hard right now and there’s not much anyone can do. Your hormones are wild and sometimes not in a good way. Let me be your support system for the day. Grandma did it for me, and now, I’m doing it for you.”

Not only do I tear up, but so does the woman checking us out.

For the rest of the day, my mom makes it all about me. We get my favorite food, visit my favorite stores, and to wrap it all up, we get massages at a swanky spa. It’s everything I didn’t know I needed. I’ve been so wrapped up in this baby and my marriage and Harper that I had forgotten about myself a little. My mom knew what I needed even when I didn’t. She always seems to know, and I love her dearly for it. It makes me feel bad that I choose to internally hold her past against her. I’m not perfect, and neither is anyone else. What happened in the past is in the past, and she’s a different woman now, fighting for the life she wants. I could honestly learn a lot from her.

Laying on the massage table, I’m reflecting on how great she is when she reaches over to tap my arm.

“Hey, I have a coupon for two free Brazilian waxes. Want to do it?”

Okay, I take that back. She’s obviously psycho and needs to be committed.