I kiss the back of his hand. "I'm so sorry, I never meant it. I was blinded from grief Josh. I felt as though I killed my father. I wasn't thinking straight, you know I would have come back for you eventually. I have mourned the loss of you just as much as my father." Nerves rise in my stomach. I need to tell him that we are not cousins. Is he strong enough yet? How do you tell someone this kind of information? My heart drops.
He looks down. "I thought you meant it."
I shake my head. "I didn't." Maybe I will wait till he is stronger?
His eyes look to the roof and I can see his brain ticking. "Tash, I thought we were broken up."
Why is he saying this? "Don't you want me here, Josh?" I ask.
"How can you even think that? I love you more than life itself." And then he frowns. "Stop fucking with my head. I swear to god, Natasha." He starts to get worked up.
"Sshh, Josh I'm here. I'm not going anywhere, calm down. It's ok, it's ok." I rise and gently kiss his face. "I'm not leaving again, I'm sorry baby." He's definitely not strong enough.
The nurse re-enters and takes his vitals. "I'm going to give you another relaxant, Joshua. Your heart rate has gone back up, just something to make you sleep, ok?" He takes a deep breath and nods and she injects another drug into his drip. I hold his hand and rub his forehead as he peacefully drifts off.
What must it feel like to be in a peaceful sleep? I haven't had one for so long. I keep watch on the silent and still man beside me. On the outside I mirror his calmness; however, the inner turmoil inside my stomach has reached a whole new level. I'm worried … actually that's an understatement. I'm panicked. The harsh reality is that Joshua may very well be a cocaine addict. I know that, the doctor knows that. Everybody knows that. He has the motive … friends and escape and he has the means … unlimited funds. I have done extensive study on addictions as part of my psychology degree and I know it's a very steep hill to climb to get out of an addiction black hole. Both for the addict and for the ones that love them. I close my eyes. How did it get to this? Was it really an accident or did he try to subconsciously kill himself without realising? What are the bruises all over him? He has a definite shoe mark on his body and I know that they don't wear shoes in the fight ring. Who in the hell has he been fighting and where was Ben his bodyguard when it happened? I suppose that means nothing. Joshua got into a fight that night at the Ivy and Ben was there then. So it is possible. I have caused all of this havoc in his life. I wonder what his life was like before I came back into it. What if he has been taking cocaine all along and I didn't realise-have I been that blinded by his love? Am I that stupid? After melting my brain with way too much thought I decide to ask both him and Cameron tomorrow separately and see how well their answers match up, and maybe even Adrian for that matter. I have a talent to tell when someone is lying and, boy, am I going to put it to use tomorrow. I eventually drift into an unsettled sleep after tossing and turning for hours. Maybe I should have got some of that relaxant put into my veins; I sure could bloody well use it.
I wake to the gentle dusting of lips on my temple and I cuddle into his chest.
"I love you," he whispers. He pulls me into an embrace and wraps his arms around me. Mmm, I've missed this, missed him. I nuzzle into him and drift back off as I listen to his breath regulate. We are both exhausted. Too tired to acknowledge that he has crawled into my fold-up bed beside me, too relieved in the comfort of each other to care. The world could stop right now and I wouldn't give a damn. I'm here with him and that's all I need. How could I have ever thought I could deny myself this? It's impossible and totally unrealistic-we couldn't be apart. Not ever, I need him like oxygen, more than my next breath.
"Look how gorgeous they are," I hear Adrian's voice speak. I frown as I stretch to find Joshua wrapped around me like a blanket. He had even moved his IV so that he could lie with me in my bed. Adrian is standing with a cup of coffee and Cameron is lying on Joshua's bed, reading the paper.
Oh crap. "How long have you been here?" I grumble as I stretch.
Cameron smiles a face-splitting smile as he flicks his paper down to look over the top of it. "Long enough to know you two are pathetic!" He widens his eyes at me to accentuate his point and goes back to his paper.
Joshua inhales a deep breath as he wakes. "This bed is bloody uncomfortable." He groans as he kisses the side of my face from behind.
I smile and roll back to face him. "Good morning, Mr Stanton."
He smiles and rubs his hand over my behind. "Good morning Miss Marx," he whispers.
Adrian rolls his eyes. "Hmm, you seem to be feeling a lot better today."
Joshua bites his bottom lip to stifle his smile. "And I'm starving. Is there any food in this joint?"
Cameron smiles and winks at Adrian; he obviously sees that as a good sign.
"Josh, why in the hell were you taking cocaine alone like that? That's ridiculous," Cameron asks. I lie still as I listen to their conversation.
Adrian pipes up. "You gave all that shit up years ago. Why in the hell would you do that again?" Joshua's eyes flick to me and I know he doesn't want to have this conversation with me in the room. Too bad, he's having it. I'm just going to come out with it.
"Are you a cocaine addict, Joshua?"
"No. How could you think such a thing?" he stammers.
"Probably because we are in hospital after you overdosed," I reply. "Are you going to take an overdose every time we have a fight?"
He frowns at me and sits up in a rush. "Bit more than a fight, Natasha. We broke up."
I sigh. "Josh, you know I didn't mean that." Cameron and Joshua quickly glance at each other … silently communicating. Hmm. "Why did you do it?" I ask. "Was it accidental?" He frowns, not understanding the question. "I mean did you purposely take an overdose?"
"No, of course not. I lost track of how much I had had. I just had a really shitty weekend and was trying to perk myself up a bit."
"What happened on the weekend?" I ask.
His face drops and his eyes meet mine and he swallows a large lump in his throat. "Can you get me some breakfast, boys?"
Cameron jumps up and rubs Joshua's shoulder. "Sure mate," he gives him three hard slaps on the back as he and Adrian leave the room. Joshua's eyes search mine and I smile in return.
"Alone at last," I whisper.
He pulls me into an embrace. "I've missed you presh. Don't leave me again, ok."