Should I Stay or Leave?

I closed the door.

Blag!!

It could have hit me if not for the door. I took a deep breath, went downstairs to pick up my son, and leave.

This is one of those days where I asked myself should I stay or should I leave? But until now, I can’t seem to decide. All I do is cry at night with only the walls listening to me.

You might wonder, was I battered? No!

Loved? I don’t know!

Cared for? Maybe!

Then the next question you might ask is why?

My name is Kamiah, and this is my story.

******************************************************************************************

She was 2 days late. The tracker had rung its notification to alert her if she has failed to update it. But she did not.

Three days ago, she started spotting. Usually, that’s how her period starts. Then, after a day or two comes the normal menstrual bleeding. But that’s not what happened. Instead, for three consecutive days, all her experience was light spotting. She feels weird. It never happened before. So, she got herself a pregnancy test.

After five days of light spotting, she did the test first thing in the morning. She was anxious during that few seconds of waiting to see how many lines would show up. Finally, a LINE showed. And she sighed with relief.

For the succeeding days, the spotting is gone, but no period as well. She started asking herself was stressing the culprit of making her period act unusually. She did not think about pregnancy. She did the test already, and it showed that she failed the test of becoming a mom. So, she gave it a few more days or even a month.

A month passed; still, her period did not come to visit her. Her intuition is screaming of “Pregnant, Pregnant” again. But she was not feeling nauseous, she doesn’t vomit, and she doesn’t have food cravings or aversions. Sure, she has mood swings like any other woman and it can happen anytime. But to quiet the voice inside her head, she bought two of those pregnancy tests again. This time, she did the test immediately upon arriving home. She doesn’t want to wait until the next morning. If she is pregnant, it should show right away.

There she is again, looking at that pregnancy test doing its job. She feels like it was slow this time. Then, viola, TWO LINES.

“What? Are you serious? It can’t be? I tested before and it was negative. This must be wrong. Let me do it again after three hours,” she said.

After three hours, she tried again. This time the result was faster and clearer. It was TWO LINES, still. She looked at it, shocked, with tears flowing from her eyes. She is having mixed feelings about it. A part of her was so happy knowing that she can have a child. She is already in her early 30s with two sisters who were having a hard time conceiving. The other part is sad because she is not ready for it. First, her relationship with her boyfriend is shaky most of the time. She knows he is not also ready for it so she doesn’t know how he will react. Second, if Acwell, her boyfriend, is not ready to take responsibility, then she must go back to where she is originally from. She does not want to go home because it means losing her job. If she doesn’t have a job, how can she raise this child? But, if she stays in Dubai and is not married, it means jail time and deportation for her. All of those thoughts made her cry even more.