Chapter 28: Renee
“Oh, my baby girl, it was so good to see you.” Mom hugged me, pulling me close, and I let her hold me, inhaling the familiar scent of baking four and mixed spices. My mom kisses the top of my head and keeps me at arm’s length to scope me out. “You’ve lost weight,” she said. “And you look so tired, honey. Why are you so tired?”
I opened my mouth to explain or to say anything and then closed it again because I’d come to the conclusion that I couldn't speak anymore without wanting to cry, too. Mom seemed to sense this because she pulled me back into her, shushing me.
“Let’s sit down,” she said. “And you can tell me all about it.”
The house was empty like it had been for a few days. Jami was in class, and Carly hadn’t come around. I’d basically been on my own, moping around the house, hiding from the humiliation waiting for me inside my college classes. I couldn't do it. I couldn't face them, especially couldn't face the flyers still being passed around campus … mocking me.
“Okay, sweetie,” Mom said, taking my hands in hers as we sat on the living room couch. My mom looked good, like one of those Betty Crocker women who could single-handedly raise her family and conquer the world simultaneously. “Something is going on, so tell me what it is.”
I sighed, pushing out some air between my teeth. I didn’t want to tell her, I really didn’t, because I was humiliated enough without telling my parents that I whored around with two guys I barely knew and lost one of my friends in the process.
But I did tell her. I told my mom everything because that’s what she does best. She listens. And right now, I need someone to listen more than ever.
When I was finished, Mom handed me the box of tissues sitting on the coffee table and reached for me, pulling me into another much-needed bear hug.
“I remember these boys,” she said, and something in her voice had changed. She was tense and disappointed, even though she tried hiding it behind her motherly love. I blow my nose and shake my head.
“It was not their fault, Mom. This time, it was my fault.”
“What compelled you to have intimate relationships with two boys who made your life horrible?” Mom asked. She didn’t raise her voice, yell, or even get angry, which made me keep going.
“I guess … I guess I found out how much I liked them,” I told her. “I mean, in the beginning, I wanted to do it for revenge, you know, to hurt them like they hurt me. But it didn’t work out that way because I enjoyed our time together. With both of them.”
Mom didn’t say anything to this, but she nodded and stroked my hair, murmuring soft words under her breath.
“And this thing with your roommate?” she asked. “Have you and Carly hashed it out?”
“No. She hasn’t been home and won’t answer her phone.” My chin dropped to my chest as another bout of fresh tears pressed against the back of my eyeballs.
“And she was the one that made up those flyers about you?”
“Yeah.” I fall back against the couch, rubbing my face dry with the sleeve of my sweatshirt. “It wasn’t like I didn’t deserve it, Mom. I never thought I could be capable of hurting people like this.”
“Oh, sweetie.” Mom rests her warm hand on top of mine, eyes twinkling. “Life is full of people who make and continue to make mistakes every day. It is part of what makes life interesting.” She winks, and I couldn't help but smile a bit. “Apologize. Apologize to whomever you need to, and then move on. If they forgive you, be glad they did. If they can’t, well, that would be their burden to bear.”
“Thanks, Mama.” I leaned forward and let her hug me again, giving her a quick kiss on the cheek. As the tears begin to dry up, there’s a soft knock on the front door. Jami and Carly wouldn’t knock; who else is interested in seeing me? Mom pulled back, eyebrows raised, and I shrugged.
“Give me just a second,” I said, shaking my head. I cross the room and open the front door, expecting to see Jason, maybe, or his sister Alaina. But it was neither of them.
It was Matthew Fucking Nelson.