Chapter 43

I look at my father, then at the guidance counsellor "Urm why am I here?" I ask.

"Please sit, Megan," she says. I sigh slightly and sit down in the chair next to my father and start to take extreme interest in my converse.

"Megan I'm Louise the schools-" I cut her off.

"I know who you are, you made me have an appointment with you when my mom died," I say still taking interest in my shoes. I had noticed they were quite clean to say I have had them for a good year now.

"Oh ok," I can hear the smile in her voice "urm Megan," she says, getting my attention. I look up at her "that's quite a bruise," she says frowning at me.

"Yeah, some kids were messing about with stones in the park yesterday and, well, walk into the middle of a stone war you're bound to get hit," I say.

"It looks nasty,"

"Yeah well it was a nasty stone," I mutter. She sighs slightly and takes a more professional pose.

"You're probably wondering why you and your dad are here. the truth is I have had many reports about you," she states. I raise my eyebrows slightly in a bit of shock, "not bad ones, nothing about your behaviour, your behaviour in class is perfect," she says, noticing my expression. "Some of your teachers are worried," she says. My father sigh and shiftS slightly.

"What she wants to know Megan is, are you self harming?" my father ask with obvious irritation in his voice.

"No," I lie while looking past her.

"Can I see your wrists Megan?" she asks. I shake my head and she turns her attention to my father "Is it ok if I look at your daughter's wrists?" she asks him. I look at him to see him nod. My mouth drops open slightly. I have just saved him and he's not even going to try and save me. Why would he do that?

"Fine," I say and take off my jacket, lean forward and pull up the sleeves of my jumper showing them my arms "happy now," I say and then lay my hands on my lap. I feel my father grab hold of my arm and pull my wrist towards him. He looks up and down the length of my arm and then sighs.

"When did this start?" he asks

"Before mom died," I say quietly. His eyes widen slightly.

"Why?" he asks, frowning. I shrug "Megan," he snaps.

"Does it really matter," I snap back "because hopefully I'll be dead by the end of the year with the way things are going," his eyes widen slightly which shows he knows I'm on about him.

"Megan," Louise says, now taking mine and my father's attention. He lets go of my hand and calms himself down "do you want to die?" she asks. I shrug "Do you feel it would be better if you were?" he asks.

"Yes," I say.

"Ok." she sighs and she writes something down then looks at me "I want you to fill this sheet out for me and I want you to answer it truthfully ok?" I nod and take the piece of paper. It is two pieces of paper stapled together and by the looks of things questions on each side.

"Do you want me to do it now?" I ask.

"Yes, please," she says and then turn her attention to my father. "Is it possible I can talk to you outside?" he nods and stands "this way gives you some time alone," she says with a small smile and walks out with my father. I sigh and look at the questions.

**Please rate how you feel about each of these from 0 - 10 ten been the highest and 0 been the lowest:**

Your Appearance

School

Parents

Friends

Relationships

I answer them [3] [6] [2 seen as I only have one] [5] [3] she wants me to answer them truthfully.

Ok so now looking at them I see school is my highest but after today it should be about 2. I still can't believe what I did. I have never been a bitch.

What makes you self-harm?

[I don't know. It makes me feel better.]

What are the feelings you get while self-harming and after self-harming?

[Reassurance, relief, excitement, happiness, peace, control, I guess you could say the pleasure of being free]

How do you feel when you remember what you have done?

[Guilty that I did it but not ashamed]

Has anything traumatising happened to you?

[My mother died] this is where the lies come into it [I went to a party recently and got attacked and raped] and my father has a split personality but I'm not going to put that.

Do you ever feel angry? If so why?

[Sometimes but only to myself as I blame myself for many things]

How are things at home?

[Fine] I lied and turned the sheet over to the next page to see the rest were about home life.

Are you happy at home?

[Yes]

Do you get on with your parents/guardians?

[Yes]

How would you explain your relationship with your parents/guardians?

[Like any other teenage girl relationship with parents] I sigh slightly looking at what I had put. I'm sort of telling the truth the relationship with my dad is like any other but it just turned different when Benjamin came into the picture.

Then it turned onto the self concept stuff.

****What do you think of yourself? Tick which ones apply to you?

Pretty []

Beautiful []

Smart []

Ugly [x]

Stupid [x]

Fat [x]

Thin []

Worthless [x]

Shy [x]

Disgusting [x]

Trustworthy []

Untrusting [x]

Good []

Kind []

Nasty [x]

I sit waiting patiently for her and my father to walk in. After so many minutes she opens the door and pops her head round.

"Are you all done Megan?" she asks. I nod and watch as she walks in with my father behind her. I watch him sit down studying his every move, seeing if his mood had changed at all while talking to her. He looks at me and then I look away. I hate him but I’m not going to tell him that.

"Can I go back to class now?" I ask.

"In a bit, we're just going to come to some sort of arrangement first," she says smiling at me. I sigh and look down at my lap. Why did we have to come to some sort of arrangement? No matter what she does, it isn't going to help me. It isn't going to save me from him. I can't lie, there is a huge part of me that wants saving from him but a part of me wants to believe it isn't his fault.

"What arrangements?" I ask.

"Well, you are going to have a meeting with me every week, is that ok?" she asks. I sigh and nod. It doesn't matter what I think the school is going to make me have a meeting with her now they know. "I am going to be here for you whenever, all you need to do is knock on my door whenever you are upset or feel like self harming?" she says with that sympathetic tone to her voice and that worried look in her eyes.

"I don't always know when I'm doing it," I say glaring at her "I just do it when I want to feel a different pain, a pain I can control and sometimes I don't even remember doing it. So I don't see how any of this is going to be helpful," I say.

"Sweetheart," my dad says, putting his hand on mine. I clench the hand he isn't holding into a fist "It's just something for you to think about before you cut."

"Oh yeah, well what about when I'm at home? Does she expect me to run to her house and knock on her door and go 'Louise you have to help me before I self harm'?" I ask sarcastically. he sighs.

"No, you talk to your father when you're at home," she says. I turn my attention to him and he has the same look as her. I grit my teeth and repeatedly tell myself to calm down in my head.

"Whatever," I say, taking my hand out of his.

"Where are you going?" Louise asks. I look at the golden blonde woman and meet her grey green eyes picking up my bag

"To class," I say and walk out of her office.

I lean against the door and let out a frustrated sigh. I hate this. I can’t bring myself to tell anyone, it is my own fault. I have let everything that has happened to me happen. No one else, just me. A single tear runs down my cheek as I start to head for my locker. I need something to distract me, something good.