Chapter 45: Giving Up

We continued to go to classes as if we didn’t know Tom was Khenzu. I remember when I first met Tom, how I thought he was so hot he could have been a vampire. Now I know he is a god and that is why he is so gorgeous. Why did we have to have classes together? Fate is not making it easy on me.

I headed to my English class. We were working on poetry. I had written a few of them for this class, today we were to submit haikus. This is what I wrote:

A hungry feline

Pounces on unsuspecting prey

Crickets disappear

Silent hunter stalks

Chirping crickets in the night

Sated, purring kitty

I had read the samples in the book, and all I could think about was cats eating crickets, and so the two haikus I wrote were about the same. I was not looking forward to having to read them in front of the class. I felt they were ridiculous poems.

After class, I met up with Shawn. We went to our secret spot in the tunnels below the school. I can’t believe we have been together for five months and still haven’t been on a date. It’s been one problem after another and we have not been getting a lot of alone time. Plus with EJ growing so fast, I’m afraid I’ll miss some big moment in his young life. We sneak down here for a few minutes of privacy. Sometimes to talk and sometimes just to make out. We really need a date night.

I tried to avoid Tom when we weren’t in class. I was glad that he ultimately turned down the position in Student Intervention Inc. It’s been hard to keep up with it, with everything else going on. I have had to ask other members to take the phone home when I was supposed to take it. I am failing in my duties as chairperson. I am also failing German and Calculus; mostly because things have come up and I have missed a lot of classes. I have been so distracted lately by the things that have happened, I’m not having any fun, really.

And then hearing from the moon goddesses that EJ was the only one who could kill Khenzu. I was going out of my mind with worry. What if he got hurt or killed in the process? What if he survived but failed to kill him? I was having a hard time all around. I wasn’t sure who to talk to. Shawn knew I was worried, he could feel it. Most of our conversations lately have been about my worrying and what it was doing to me.

I think for the first time in a hundred years, I was depressed. Fate had made my life, lately, more difficult than I could have imagined for myself. I was getting tired of others attacking us. Now we had to hope Khenzu wouldn’t attack even though the moon goddesses said it couldn’t be stopped. It’s all just too much.

I decided to write my next poem for English.

Remember days of morning glory

Remember heroes and their stories

Recall that once the gods lay mute

Fallen deep in ill repute

We found no matter how far flung

Way back when our souls were young

I cannot step, there’s broken glass

I cannot sleep, dreams won’t pass

I cannot love for fear of hate

I cannot stay for fear I’d wait

I will not hope, for it will die

I cannot fail so I won’t try

I’m afraid to be alone

There’s a lot I’ve never known

I will not give for fear you’ll take

I do not rest, I may not wake

I fear the darkness velvet deep

I fear in tears you’ll see me weep

No longer remembered – those days of glory

No longer sung – the minstrel’s story

Banished gods – no longer mute

It’s man who’s fallen – ill repute

Preachers preached and heretics hung

As you see we are no longer young

What has changed in measures dire

Who now braves the dragon’s ire

Only one to kill that savage beast

No one partakes of this lavish feast

Struck down the spirit of this fate

Complacence hovers as we wait

I cannot tell what I have said

Take me now or leave me dead

I’ve tried to rouse them from their torpor

Failure now bequeaths my torture

They will not sit with me to sup

So now I too have given up.

And I had given up. I lost my confidence. I used to feel like I could take on anything and come out on top. Now, now I knew I couldn’t always come out on top. I had been kidnapped twice in the span of five months. Someone had been able to subdue me, something I had never considered anyone could do. I was more vulnerable than I thought. I don’t even know why I keep going to training sessions. They aren’t going to make me stronger. If anything, they make me feel like I have been lying to myself for a hundred years. I have been running off instincts mostly. Ben was supposed to look out for me, but did he really? Look at me now, my life is a mess. I’m a vampire married to a lycan, the enemy of vampires. I live with him and another wolf, plus our hybrid son. Next door is three vampires, a witch, and a fairy. I mean seriously. When I was a kid, I used to dream about growing up and being something someday. But because of what I am, I never get to grow up entirely. What’s the point anymore? I think my mother, Lily, was right. At some point, it just is not worth the effort. I started to wonder if this was how it happened for Lily. Did she only stick it out for me and once I was eighteen she gave up entirely? Was I becoming my mother? Did she not see the point at the end? Was this why she wanted me to kill her? I get it now. I used to hate my mother, but now I get it. She was depressed and handled it the best she could but in the end it was too much for her.

My phone started to ring then.

“Hello,” I said.

“Hey Strix, It’s Nathan.”

“Nathan Morgan?”

“The one and only.”

“Oh my gosh! How are you? It’s been awhile.”

“I’m good. I wanted to call and let you guys know I will be back in the area in a few days.”

“Really! Wait, did something happen?”

“No, I just needed to get away from my brother for a while.”

“Okay. Why did you call me and not the house?”

“I thought I was calling the house.”

“Nope, my cell. I will let everyone know you are coming.”

“Thanks, see you soon.”