Chapter 15: I hate feeling unsure

Amara:

The day has been dragging for me. All I can do is think about Kell and our late-night kisses. It’s lunchtime, and I still haven’t figured out what to say to Kell. Juliet is waiting for me when I walk into the lunchroom. I try to stay off the topic of Kell and me, but Juliet doesn’t get the memo. Haley must have told her about us.

As we usually do, we get our trays and take a seat at our pot in the corner of the cafeteria near the window. Juliet slams her tray down excitedly. “Okay, spill. I’ve been dying to know all morning. What’s going on with you and Kell Cross?”

I roll my eyes and take a piece of carrot from my plate. “Nothing is going on.”

She narrows her eyes and pinches my arm.

“Ow! Jules. What the hell!” I say, flinching back in pain. She leans close and purses her lips. “Don’t mess with me, Am. I saw you arrive at school with him. Plus, Haley said she and Carrick had to drop off some clothes for him at your house this morning. So what gives? Did you sleep with him?”

I rub my arm and give her a morose glare. “No…it wasn’t like that. I mean…we did sleep together…”

She claps her hands and squeals excitedly. I grab her hands and pull them down, embarrassed that she’s drawn the interest of the crowd. “Nom Jules. We didn’t have sex. I was sick, and he came over to take care of me. That’s it. He just ended up falling asleep in my bed.”

I definitely don’t mention that we were nearly naked in my bed. That would have just sparked too much controversy. Her face falls, and she frowns. “So, nothing happened?”

I nod my head with a slight smile. “Nope.” She purses her lips and looks down at her tray, downtrodden. “That sucks. I thought I was going to hear that you two fell in love or something.” I chuckle lightly at her comment and continue to eat my salad. If she only knew how badly I would like that to happen.

Haley walks in at t that moment; her smile is wide, and her eyes are twinkling. She sits across from us and sighs contended. “I have some great news.”

She claps her hands together and places them over her chest with a dreamy smile, which makes Jules and I chuckle. “Carrick Cross asked me to be his girlfriend.”

My heart drops. It’s not because I’m not happy for her. But because it seems so easy for her and Carrick. I swallow my envy and give her a big smile. Juliet squeals with excitement. It’s almost deafening. “Holy cow, that is so exciting! You have a boyfriend. I wish I had one. Now I’m the odd man out.”

I clear my throat and point the finger at my chest. “What am I? Chopped liver?”

Haley frowns. “Well, you have Kell. He’s your boyfriend, isn’t he?” I shake my head. “No. Kell is not my boyfriend. And before you start your squeal parade, he and I never had sex. I was legitimately sick last night, and he was taking care of me.”

Haley’s face falls. “What? No...he has to ask you. Maybe he’s waiting until later.”

I shrug my shoulders, unwilling to dash her hopes. “Can we talk about something else, please?”

Juliet interjects. “Yeah, let’s talk about how we’re going to get me a boyfriend.”

Haley gives me one last pitying glance then turns back to Juliet. “Well, all the other Cross boys are taken.” She looks at me. “…Or might be. Mikhail is with Nevaeh Rivera. Carrick’s with me and Kell with…”

She looks at me again and winks in encouragement. I ignore it. “…so that leaves Rowan. Maybe you can snatch Rowan.”

Juliet hisses through her teeth. “Yeah, that’s never going to happen. Rowan Cross is the biggest man-whore in existence. He dated every girl in the senior class last year. Didn’t he date Nevaeh’s girl, Jezelle? Plus, even if he wasn’t in college, he would never go for me.”

Haley smacks her hand. “Don’t you dare say something like that! You’re gorgeous and fun. Plus, I think he’s coming back home this weekend. I can see if I find something out for you.”

Juliet shakes her head. “No. Nah uh. I don’t think I can handle him. Besides, who said I liked him?”

Haley and I quirk an incredulous brow. “Are you serious, Jules? Last year you used to write both your names in your notebook and draw a heart in the middle.”

Juliet scoffs and gasps in shock. “Well, it was…a crush. Yeah, a crush… and I’m over it.” Haley and I laugh boisterously at her protestations. She is not amused, however, so we let it drop.

After hearing Haley’s news, I can’t concentrate for the rest of the day. Kell texts me asking me if I’m okay, but it’s nothing sexy or romantic. Maybe he doesn’t want me that way. But then, why would he have kissed and touched me? I mean, we almost had sex last night. What does that make us? Should I ask him? Will I sound too desperate? I’m a wreck by the end of the day. Thankfully, the chills haven’t returned.

Making my way to the bleachers, I watch as Kell runs drills with the team. He’s amazing. I can’t help but imagine how his body felt under my hands and how sexy he looked in only his underwear. He looked like a Greek god, with his sculpted body. My body heats up at the memory of kissing and sitting on his lap.

The ride home is quiet. I honestly don’t know what to say. Instead, I run my eyes lovingly over his features. His profile is breathtaking. His hair waves becomingly over his ears, and his long lashes create shadows over his razor-sharp jaw. Biting my lip, I take into memory his straight patrician nose, long lashes, and plump lips. My lips tingle at the thought of kissing him.

As if feeling my gaze, he looks at me and gives me a knowing smile. I can’t help but grit my teeth at his assuredness, even though it’s well deserved. I guess it’s because I hate feeling so insecure around him. The only guy other than Kell who made me feel close to that was Jason. Somehow though, it’s twice as disconcerting with Kell. It’s also very deflating when he acts as if nothing happened between us. That’s when I make the decision to ask him about us. Even if it hurts, I need to know where we stand.

Right now, we’re in my bedroom looking through news articles and videos to see if we find the girl in the vision. We find Leslie’s story right away, but we don’t find anything about Sophie. It’s funny to see him sitting in one of my antique wooden chairs. He’s so strong and commanding, which makes the chair look even more fragile.

As I sit next to him, I point out a couple of things. “It says that her death was ritualistic. In both my dreams, someone has a knife and carves something on the girls’ bodies. I also hear chanting.”

He scrolls through a few articles and points them out. “How about these girls? Did you dream of them too?”

I shake my head. “No…I mean, I had flashes of something before Leslie, but it was never quite clear. When I saw Leslie, I could see things like her hair and hear her talking. It was still hazy, though. Sophie’s is the clearest one.”

He leans his elbow on the white computer table and leans his chin on his fist as he clicks a few buttons and mutter contemplatively, “Maybe it’s about distance. The other murders happened across the state. Each one coming closer to Arcata. Leslie was only several miles away. Maybe the murderer is coming here. Maybe Sophie is from here.”

His words make sense. I sigh in frustration and rise up from my chair. My jean skirt flutters around me as if feeling my agitation. Is it possible that the closer the girls are, the clearer the visions? It scares me to think that things might get worse. Feeling frustrated, I sift my hands over my blue tank top and play with the large bead necklace on my neck. “But there’s nothing on Sophie. Nothing about her death or a missing person’s report.”

He looks back at the screen with a frown.

His jaw ticks, making him look even sexier. I can’t help but think about him kissing me. He looks back at me with a serious frown. “What if it hasn’t happened yet? What if Sophie is still alive and walking around?” I open my mouth, but no words come out. Could that be it?

Kell rises from the chair and throws his hands up as if making a big discovery. “That’s it! Maybe the visions you see are of the future. You said that you had dreams about Leslie weeks ago. She went missing last week, and her body was found two nights ago.”

He sits back down on the chair and begins typing again. “We have to assume that Sophie is in Arcata. All of the girls were teens. So it would make sense to look through our school databases to see who Sophie is.” He finishes typing and turns the laptop in my direction. “This is a list of all of the girls named Sophie in our school.”

I glance at the pictures in hopes that something would click, but it doesn’t. “I don’t know, Kell. There are at least thirty girls there, and I didn’t see her face. I just saw her hair. It was red, but not a natural red. More like a cherry red that you can only get from a bottle of dye. None of those girls have red hair.”

He turns the laptop back to him. “I guess we’ll just keep searching. You said she was with her boyfriend. Did she say his name? Did you see his face?”

I shake my head. “No, he just said hers. His face was blurry.” Frustrated, I run my hands through my hair and pace around the room. “This is so frustrating. It’s like looking for a needle in a haystack.”

Kell rises from the chair and pulls me into his arms. “It’s okay. We’ll find her.”

Looking into his crystal blue eyes, I settle my palms on his chest and whisper. “Kell?”

He quirks his lip in question. “Yeah, beauty queen?”

Feeling nervous, I clear my throat and play with the collar of his simple black t-shirt. “What are we, Kell?”

“What do you mean?” He asks.

I place my forehead on his chest, trying to hide my embarrassment. “I mean... am I… your girlfriend?”

His body stiffens, but he doesn’t release me. I gaze up at him from under the fringe of my lashes and almost die of mortification when he licks his lips, takes a deep breath, and says, “Do we have to put a label to this?”

His words hit me like a nuclear bomb. I guess I never expected him to be so honest. I swallow deeply and tighten my mouth, trying to blink back tears.

I’m about to say more when my door bursts open.

We both turn as my mother saunters into the room. “Amara darling…” She stops what she’s about to say when her eyes land on Kell. It’s almost funny how her surgically enhanced eyes widen, and her mouth gapes open. She looks at me then at Kell. “Well, who is this handsome young man?”

I roll my eyes. I should have known she’d think Kell is hot. My mom is one of the shallowest people in the world. I point my thumb at Kell. “Jordana, this is Kell Cross…my…” I clear my throat and say weakly. “…friend. Kell, this is Jordana…my…my mother.”

Kell looks surprised. “Mother?”

Jordana smiles arrogantly and extends her hand. “It’s a pleasure, Kell. Your surname is Cross? Any relation to Martha and James Cross?”

Kell shakes her hand and responds. “No, Mrs. Vega.”

At his response, Jordana quirks a speculative brow. “Please call me Jordana. Who are your parents, dear?”

Kell glances at me from the corner of his eye, then back at my mother. “My parents are dead. I live with my foster father, Alex Cross.”

Jordana’s lips curl with disgust at his words. I almost die of embarrassment when she wipes her hand on her dress and takes a step back. It’s almost sad how big a bitch my mother can be.

She loses interest in Kell that quickly. Instead, she gazes at me and pretends to ignore his presence. “I spoke to Delia and Carlo. Apparently, you were ill and couldn’t try on dresses?” She says with an accusatory tone. God forbid I’m telling the truth or that she checks up on me to make sure that I’m okay.

Instead of responding with a rude reply, I clench my teeth and grin. “Yeah, Delia, Carlo, and I thought that it would be better if we rescheduled the fitting for this weekend.”

This seems to nullify her because she moves on from the topic, “Have you found a date for the pageant dance?”

I try not to squirm and look at Kell as I answer. “No, I’m still weighing my options.”

She narrows her eyes and curls her lip again. “Well, don’t wait too long. You have until this weekend to find a suitable partner, or I’m going to ask Austin St. Clair. Do you understand?”

I nod my head and respond through gritted teeth. “Perfectly.”

She gives Kell one last look and coos as she whispers under her breath. “What a pity.” and steps out of the room. I had never been so humiliated.

I look at Kell, who’s staring at me with pity in his eyes. Then chuckle when he says, “Jordana’s a bitch!”

I roll my eyes. “You don’t know the half of it.”

Kell glances back at the door, “What is this about a pageant dance?” I shrug my shoulders. “It’s nothing really. There’s always a dance before the pageant, and I’m required to bring a date. I don’t know how I’m going to swing it this year.”

He tilts his head and gives me an incredulous look. “What about me?”

I shake my head and move back to the computer. “Trust me, you don’t want to do that. They’re really rich snobby people—”

He interrupts. “…and I wouldn’t fit in because I’m just a poor foster kid.”

I turn to him, horrified. “That’s not it, Kell.”

He grows stiff at my words and grits out. “Then what is it, Beauty queen? Am I not good enough for you?”

I scoff at his remark and step closer, never taking my eyes off his. “Wait, didn’t you just say you and I were nothing. What does it matter then? Obviously, you don’t want to date me.”

He looks down in anger. “You’re right.” He says as he moves to collect his things. “I have to go.”

I throw my hands up in defeat. “Where are you going, Kell?”

Kell places his backpack over one shoulder and looks back at me. “I forgot that the family is getting together for dinner. Carrick is bringing Haley over to introduce her to the family.”

I flinch back as if he’d slapped me. His words cut me to the quick.

He must notice my reaction because he loses his anger and moves to me. Taking a step back, I hold my hands up and swallow down a sob. “Oh, wow. He must really care about her.”

Kell licks his lips and nods slightly.

I look over to a nearby window, then swallow again and manage to croak out. “Good for them. Haley is a great girl.”

He stands there as if to say more, but I interrupt. I don’t want him to apologize for not wanting me the way Carrick wants Haley. Instead of responding, I take a deep breath and give him my most cheerful smile. Who cares if my heart is withering and my soul is crying. “You better go then. You don’t want everyone to be mad at you. I’ll see you at tutoring.”

He nods his head carefully. “Yeah. Um…let me know if you get cold.”

I shrug my shoulders. “Don’t worry about me, Kell. I’ll figure it out.”

Before he walks out, he looks back at me one last time and steps out of the room. The door quietly closes shut as if mocking my pain, but I don’t cry. It’s foolish to cry over something that barely happened. And if there is something that I learned from my uncaring family, it’s that there is no use crying over people who don’t deserve it.

Instead, I focus my mind on finding Sophie. Unfortunately, this doesn’t work as well as it should. I just can’t help thinking about Haley being welcomed into the Cross fold. Because every time I do, I get a sour taste in my mouth. Which makes me feel guilty because Haley is one of my closest friends. I guess I’m the one who’s not good enough.