Chapter 23 Hidden thoughts....in form of poems

Chapter 23 Hidden thoughts....in form of poems


Seraphina

Hiding in the comfort of my room, I made sure the door was closed and I opened the notebook. Pretty Soon, I realized that the book was filled with all sorts of scribbling and poems. They were all handwritten, most likely by none other than Ryan himself. Several of them caught my interest, notably the poems titled Dear S. It went something like this:

Dear S,

Should I call you a stranger?

Or maybe a friend, or an acquaintance.

A housemate. A playmate. A play date.

I find it hard to act and behave.

When I don't know the meaning of what I see.

You are you, and I am me.

And these are the only things that we'll ever get to be.

Dear S.

It was just a day. Maybe a Thursday. Maybe a Friday.

It was just a girl. Brunette, sweet, and small

It was just talking. She said she wants to believe in love.

It was just a kiss. Except it was never anything at all.

Dear S,

I wrote all these words for you.

Just these words, nothing less, nothing more.

Just these words on these papers,

Never said out loud, never to reach your ears.

I wrote them down because I need you to understand something.

Everyone else can read it and they won't know a single thing.

Because I only meant these words for you.

Just these words. Just here. Just you.

Dear S,

I saw you today, wearing a summer dress,

Wearing that smile that could go for miles,

And wearing that laugh that I put on you.

Watching you make me break out in a sweat

So much so that I had to leave and hide.

You don't know this, but you made me feel nostalgic

For something that hasn't even happened yet.

Dear S,

You can't possibly understand how I feel about you

Because I don't even see how these words could translate it

I don't know what to name it or how to address it

So I'm not even going to try to describe it

There is a gap between my brain and my heart

And no adjectives in the world could ever fit

Dear S,

To say that I think about you all the time,

Would be the understatement of the century.

I spent so much hours in the night,

Replaying each and every memory.

And I spent so much hours in the day,

Thinking and wishing for a different identity.

If only I could be anyone else but me,

Then maybe we can have different story.

Dear S,

When I hear you call my name,

Maybe it was just a simple moment for you,

But it changed every single one that followed for me.

When I see your smile and your laugh,

Maybe it was something natural for you,

But it was extraordinary to me.

Dear S,

This world is full of garbage.

You are an angel, stuck amongst us trash.

But I would never let their dirty fingers touch you.

And I would never let my own do the same.

Dear S,

Don't ask me how I know, I just do.

I can't explain it, but it's true.

Please don't worry about what I'll do,

I know what to and what not to pursue.

Dear S,

There's a still small voice inside of me that's saying,

Maybe you feel the same way too.

It's a risk too great, and not worth taking.

But I still spent every day wishing it were true.



Dear S,

When I sit next to you and hear you speak,

I felt like losing my religion.

My feet went limp,

My eyes lost its vision,

And my hands became these alien things,

And I don't know what to do with them.

Where do I put them down the right way?

It's like it's the first time I've ever had hands before,

And maybe they go in my pockets,

And maybe they don't.



Dear S,

I listened to the music that you listened to

It made me marvel and it made me move.

And I wonder if you moved the same way I do.



Dear S,

Simple question. Answer honestly,

Do you ever think of me, the way I think of you?



Dear S,

It's not because you are a nice and genuine person.

It's not because you have great taste in movies.

It's not because of the way you smile when you look at the rain.

It's not because of the way you sing to the songs in my car.

It's not because of the way you fight me for the last slice of pizza.

It's not because you're so smart, you beat me at scrabble, every damn time.

And it's definitely not because the room feels somewhat empty when you're not around.

I promise you, it's not.



Dear S,

We talked for hours earlier,

I'm not even sure what about.

But I learned something new today,

I never knew talking was so much fun.



Dear S,

I tried to let go of you. I tried to forget.

But how could I let go of something I never even have?



Dear S,

I want to call a foul on my feelings,

Disqualify it, because it's cheating.

Because it's not meant to be there, but it is.

But is it really though?

Tell me, what's right and whats wrong?

Because you can say it's right when you're standing there,

But it's left when you're standing on the other side.



Dear S,

Would it be a sin,

If you and I went out for a swim?

Would it be a sin,

If your touch sends shivers up and down my skin?

Would it be a sin,

If I put my hand on your chin?

Would it be a sin,

If we stop before we can begin?

Tell me. would it?



Dear S,

You must be surprised by what I just did.

I never planned for it to happen this way,

Or for it to happen at all.

I was blinded by rage and jealousy, I admit,

So the words escaped my lips,

And exploded onto you by default.

I couldn't take them back or call it mistake

When you and I both know, I have fallen far.

Further than I can take.



Dear S,

My heart beats a different way when I'm with you.

It's faster and deeper, more than I ever knew.

When you go away, maybe it'll go away it too.

But until that day comes, I don't know how to continue.



Dear S,

Can you tell me what's wrong with me?

I've tried to find the answers, but my brain had stopped working.

I've tried to find a solution, but my heart wasn't cooperating.

I've made excuses and I've taken physical measures,

But no matter what I did, this feeling still endures.

Can you tell me how to take it out of me?

Can you help me get rid of this illness?

I would gladly hand it over to you if I had a choice.

But this burden is mine to bear, mine to witness.



Dear S,

Maybe one day I'll tell you all my secrets.

Maybe one day you'll leave knowing something new.

Maybe one day I'll show you my fears and regrets.

Maybe one day this will all be true.

Maybe one day , but not today.

Not to you.

Without realizing it, tears were drenching down my cheeks. I had to put the book away and stop reading for a moment because it was getting too much. I didn't know how these words moved me so, but it did. I didn't even know what they meant or if they were meant for me.