Chapter 80

I didn't know trees also sport breasts or balls? Great! So this plant here is apparently a female and this lovely girl who graced my peaceful life with havoc cannot marry another female. She wants a male tree. A MALE TREE! Like, how can you give a gender certificate to something that is beyond the concept? "Albina, sweetheart –" I saw Tuyen, the real angel on the earth, share the same irritation as mine while she tried to form a sensible word to speak. "There is nothing like a male tree or a female tree." She spoke softly but by the way she closed her eyes and took series of deep breaths is another untold story. Exactly, my point. How is a tree male or a female? I noticed Dem and Egor standing quietly by my side because White sisters are not easy to handle. While we three friends and the angel Tuyen share the same sentiments of annoyance and anger, Theois and bastard Kevin has the audacity to laugh at my situation. I had never seen Theois laugh so easily in all these years but from the day Cuckoo opened the door of her hell to me, he is all sunshine. "You both are match made in Heaven, Mr. Mancini." Great, now even the officiator is mocking me. I can detect the amusing smile on his face even from the moon. His smile is that wide. I can bet my whole wealth that the officiator, Mr. Thomas, hadn't seen such a girl in life nor such a wedding in the history. "I beg to differ. It's a match concocted by heaven to end up in hell." I gritted back as Dem expressed the same for his case too. "My Lord, see the plant bears flowers." Okay, so? I'm sorry but am I a dumb person or is it really difficult to understand her? I was called a smart and a conniving person in the history of Mafia. I make perfect strategies, I have great insights, I can make good investment decisions then how come I find myself stupid in this situation? "Flowers and Fruits are babies of a tree and only a female tree can bear their babies." This time it's Zinnia who came up with the clarification. A defeated snort escaped my lips when her reasoning settled in. Flowers and fruits are babies? Then who is it that gave sperms to them? Did a flying tree land itself on this one and reproduced? "Albina, Zinnia - listen –" Tuyen started after five minutes of silence passed. No one spoke after hearing the White reasoning. No one dared to. You cannot argue with that. "Nah. Any kind of scientific concepts and its theories doesn't work here. Let's just look for a tree with no flowers and fruits without wasting time." I cut off Tuyen's effort of making them understand. By now, I got a complete synopsis of what kind of creatures are Whites and what kind of mindset they have. Tuyen just nodded her head and kicked Egor between his legs when he tried to put his hand around her waist. Wow! I feel like I'm seeing a human after decades whenever I see Tuyen. She is a breath of polluted human air while the White sisters are unwanted fresh air. "Right. Mr. Thomas, let's start the wedding ceremony with a conifer tree over there." Kevin suggested pointed to a short tree which has no flower or a fruit, thankfully. "Is that tree suitable, Rae?" Kevin asked for confirmation to which both the White sisters nodded slowly after assessing the poor thing in a detailed manner. Thanks to my lucky stars! By the look of the White sisters, both of them don't know what that tree is so I think it's an advantageous situation for us. After passing through great obstacles, we have finally reached the level where the wedding game begins. Mr. Thomas stood on the right side of the tree while Cuckoo took the left side. We all stood in front of them. With a smile, Cuckoo went close to the conifer and whispered a 'Nice to meet you' to it followed by an effing giggle. Mr. Thomas cleared his throat and started officiating the ceremony we are desperately looking for. "Hello I'm Will Thomas, the officiator of this beautiful event that is taking place on the broad daylight of fourth of December. We are here to be a part of one of the most important and happiest days of a person's life. A wedding is a holy occasion where two souls meet and bind together forever." He started reciting but I waved my hand to him secretly to skip all the lecture part and get to the main point quickly. He understood and nodded curtly but carefully not to be noticed by Cuckoo. "Miss Albina Rae White, do you accept this tall, dark and nourishing, green and fresh, spiny and poky tree as your husband till death does you both apart?" I almost, almost laughed at his hilarious introduction of a tree. Goodness the man has witty side to him. "God! That was funny." Kevin and Egor whispered together to which the rest of us nodded in union. That was indeed funny. "I do. I will be loyal until death embraces it." She vowed seriously with a genuinity in her tone which doubled the fun. Forgetting my upcoming doom, the scene unfolding before me right now is so damn funny that I would be treasuring the video and watch it every time I feel down. "Do you – " Mr. Thomas cleared his throat looking at the tree intensely, "Do you, a tree that belong to coniferous clan, take the beautiful looking Miss Albina Rae White to be your wife and vow to look after her with love and care?" He turned towards the tree and spoke to it and waited for a second as if expecting an answer from it. You man! Do you expect a tree to say 'I Do'? Just get done with it already! While I'm getting tensed with the passing moment, Zinnia, moved to the side and shook it enough for a branch of it to shake violently. "There you go. It says 'I Do'" "I think she will also shake you that harshly if you get even a second late in taking your vows. Be careful, son." Theois whispered worriedly but with a very amusing smile that hinted me that the worry was just fake. He is enjoying this too much. In fact, all are enjoying a lot. Mr. Thomas was appalled for a second but masked his surprise easily and cleared his throat for the nth time for the day. If this goes on, by the end of the wedding, he will be going to be admitted in emergency ward. Cuckoo smiled gratefully at Zinnia for she has done and almost cried for the help. As usual, I did not understand why she is getting emotional for nothing. "Now the groom may kiss –" Mr. Thomas stopped himself from saying and started glancing between the newly wedded couple in vulnerability. "No. Now both the bride and the groom – no – the tree – oh no –" He mumbled glancing between the newlyweds and us helplessly. I pressed my lips hard to stop myself from barking out in laughs. Poor man, cannot understand what title to give to the tree and how to make it kiss the bride. Tuyen took a step forward to solve the situation but Egor pulled her back in his arms begging her to not intervene at all. We all want to see how he will overcome the kissing part of the event. "Since the groom is not in a situation to take any intimate actions towards his beautiful bride, you may kiss your groom and seal the marriage, Miss White." Cuckoo nodded her head with a smile towards Mr. Thomas and stepped forward to kiss her first husband. She wrapped her hands around its thick trunk and kissed it for a good two minutes and stepped back. I almost kissed her for not asking us where the tree's lips are. If she can use her brain to full extent, she can as well ask that. We all clapped our hands feverishly using all the energy we have. Finally, I'm out of the curse of being her first husband. Thank Heavens! "Excellent. Now that the wedding is over, Mr. Mancini, I wish you will call me to officiate your wedding as well. It was both a pleasure and honor to officiate such a wedding as today." Mr. Thomas turned towards me with an excited grin that you would see in a child when he gets his favorite toy. "Yeah sure." I replied dryly with a nod which resulted in a full blown smile from his end. "Yes, Yes, Yes. Mr. Thomas was good at conducting wedding. I liked his style." Cuckoo expressed her unwelcomed views and jumped in excitement. "Alright, now that the wedding is over, it's time to kill my first husband, My Lord." I heard her saying those dangerous, cruel words with an excited innocent smile. How can she talk about killing with such innocent smile?